If you're reading this and are about to embark on your own dance with cancer, I hope that this gives you hope that there is life after cancer, because I've found that there is! The realisation has come slowly and in jumps and starts, gradually, but there are more days when I believe it than there are days when I don't believe it and I'm thrust back into those black thoughts, concerns and days of anguish.
I'm still seeing a psychologist weekly. It's helping me with getting on and dealing with issues that were there before the cancer and have reared their head and are proving a barrier to constructing a new life. The Listening Brunette is still in my corner, telling me truths when I need to hear them and helping me make sense of the fuzz that is my thought process.
That said, I'm in a mode right now where I am scared that the cancer will come back. I was had terrible dizziness yesterday and breathlessness and was scared. I think it will always come back to the cancer now, whereas before I was more likely to brush things off as a cold or tiredness (which in reality was probably what it was). As I say, it goes in fits and starts.
The good news is that I have actually looked at both of my breasts - on Sunday before La Journée Glamour. I was brushing my teeth and noticed that my chest was showing in the mirror. I have the habit, since the operation, of looking away and not seeing that glance in the strategically positioned mirror, it's become an automatic reponse. But on Sunday, I thought well, let's look, today is a fresh start so why not do this as well? I'd already plucked up the courage to look at the right breast alone and that was more ugly and weird than I thought. The left was ok, just ok, not pretty or natural but the scars were mabye less evident than I thought (I have only been feeling them whilst putting on Bio Oil every night, so maybe they feel larger than they are) and the grafted nipple very pale because I guess it hasn't got blood flow? I haven't yet looked at myself naked and looked at my 'breasts' on my body. It will come. I still don't consider them as breasts, just lumps of fat and certainly not sexy, not at all, nowhere near, never again........
My new bra was a turning point psychologically (that's another post) but it does mean I can wear lower cut tops and even (gasp), show a tiny cleavage. It has helped me enormously to move on.
Physically I still have pain on the scars, particularly on the left hand side and some of the scars are numb and raised despite the Bio Oil. No underarm hair on the left radiated armpit. Still stained brown but maybe slightly lighter than before.
I have embarked on a modest exercise plan: an abdominal plan which increases every day for a month and almost every day I do 1200 steps on my stepper with some arm and shoulder exercises. I also get on my bike quite frequently. My body has changed thanks to this, I think. My arms are slightly firmer (still bingo wings and I'm no Michelle Obama!) my legs are a better shape for sure. My tummy has gone down and so has my muffin top (but nowhere near enough). I'm a work in progress.
I'm eating much less and much better than before. Not perfect, but a real change and I drink plenty of green tea and very little tea or coffee (not been a problem at all to change that). I have lost a tiny bit of weight, really tiny considering the lifestyle changes I've made, but maybe muscle does weigh more than fat????!
My periods stopped 3 months ago with the Tamoxifen. I have hot flushes now and again, some during the day now as before it was only nightly. They are, for the moment, copeable. My taste buds have changed - I have gone off crisps! This is a revelation! They were my favourite 'sin' food since I've been really small, but I don't like them so much these days. And I don't like very strongly flavoured food, as in, food that tastes artificial. Maybe this is the pills, maybe this is the new eating plan. I am simply not attracted to the things I was before. I also don't like so many brightly coloured clothes, which is a shame as I loved bright colours before so my wardrobe is full of them.
And clothes, yes, I am chucking out clothes on a daily basis. Too big, far too big for me. Some things make me hugely sad to discard - a pretty expensive jacket that I purchased for my neice's wedding only 2 years ago - miles too big. I may try to get it altered. But I am chucking with abandon. Maybe it's my body that's changed (no tits and a smaller body) or maybe it's my attitude, I'm not sure.
I'm also chucking out things from the house too. I am much more cut throat in my decluttering.
I have joint pains sometimes (Tamoxifen) and sometimes nauseau (Tamoxifen?) and for sure, I am much more tired than I used to be and more likely to give in the towel and go to bed than snooze on the sofa and try to stay awake. I have less physical strength and I tire much more easily. Less is possible but still, something is possible!
I also have, since I started taking Tamoxifen, a nasty aftertaste in my mouth at all times, which is unpleasant and particularly 'yuck' if I'm thirsty. And my nails are very fragile, so I'm continuing to take a supplement and looking after them, which at least seems to make them flake and break less.
I am concerned about the upcoming 8 weeks holiday as I have no teaching and may find myself at a loose end with 2 bored kids so I'm trying to plan for that, rather than fall into a depressive state.
My work is still uncertain, not because I had cancer, but because I was made redundant last August and haven't replaced that work, I haven't felt confident enough to apply for the few part time jobs that are out there, but there are new things in the pipeline and I'm waiting to see what comes to fruition for September.
I feel like my life is divided into 'before cancer and after cancer', but it's not the only division I've experienced, there's 'before and after France, before and after kids' for example, it's good to be able to see that this is not the only division or big change that's happened in my life and that that's what it is, a change, to assimilate and not the end of the world. I'm still a work in progress and sometimes I fall but I get back up and life goes on but I'm grateful that I have a life to go on with.
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