nosocomephobia

I've been quiet recently, getting on with my life, working hard in fact.  I've stepped up the teaching hours considerably and getting tired.  However, it's good to meet new people, feel useful and meet people who don't know about my history, like a fresh start.  I'm starting to feel myself and my energy levels are much better, although I do feel more tired much more quickly.  I've sort of got used to the drug side effects, they are part of my life now.  Friends ask me how I am and I say 'fine'.  Which is pretty much true.

However, the past casts its shadow.  I still haven't been to hospital for my MRI regarding my headaches but the headaches have stopped now, although the wooshing sound is ever present.  I can't bring myself to put myself through that horrible test again (it was the one that really freaked me out, sometimes it's better not to know what's in store!).  I still haven't made an appointment to see my oncologist, which I should have done in October (and here's the end of October).  I haven't made an appointment for the pre appointment blood test.  I thought I'd be looking forward to seeing her but I haven't made the appointment.  I have pervaricated and I wasn't sure why but I think I know why deep down.  I am frightened.

 


I am frightened of stepping inside a hospital and smelling the smell, feeling the memories, feeling ill, feeling pain, getting bad news.

I'm frightened that they'll find something bad inside and I'll be back to where I was, or worse.

I'm frightened that I'll have to stop Tamoxifen and take another drug which will have even worse side effects because they'll find from my blood test that I now have the menopause.

I'm frightened of getting those tests and the needles.  See I thought the needle phobia would go away after such an intensive spate of needle-related tests last year, I thought I'd feel better about the needles but I've just gone back to how I was feeling about them before.

I'm frightened of having the 'reconstruction' although I want it but I don't want to go through all the tests, needles, pain and anathesia.  And I'm frightened they'll say no you can't have a reconstruction and I'll be stuck like this forever with my ugly, misshapen, child 'breasts'.

And I'm still angry that my breasts have gone, by the way.  That has not gone away.

I feel like I'm approaching a bad place right now and it may go downhill.  I've started neglecting myself again.  I feel in between a rock and a hard place.

I know the answer - make that appointment, go, face up to whatever there is to face up to.  But I'm frightened.  I know I don't really have nosocomephobia, I've just been through a hard time and want to forget it, but I do know that I can't forget it, it's time to remember, take a deep breath and plunge back into the medical world again.

It felt good to write that down.