And the story continues.....

 

I had my long eagerly-awaited meeting with the surgeon last week.

He explained all the cons of doing the lipomodelling, some of which I knew already, some I had never heard before:-

* The procedure might not work and the injected fat would then leak out of the cuts he had made to inject it (didn't know this)

* The fat might not 'take' as, after radiotherapy, all the tissue in the breast mound is dead (as well as, hopefully, any stray cancer cells) as the fat has no living tissue to latch onto and grow (who knew that fat cells grew like that?)

* The injection of fat might bring calcifications and if they are spotted on the mammogram, they would necessitate a biopsy so I might have to do a lot of biopsies as I would have a lot of cancer scares afterwards:-(

* There are the usual risks of surgery - death, complications, pain etc etc (he didn't actually say 'death' but......the thought is always there for me)

* It might require two procedures as some of the fat may be absorbed by the body (this is good, I expected 3 or 4)

* All the fat injected might be absorbed by the body and we'd be back to square one.

* if this doesn't work, he *may* be able to put in implants but that's a whole different thing and I could tell he's not happy to go down that road at all.

I had the idea of going back to work the next day but my friend said that she knew someone who had taken one week every time she'd had the procedure.  The surgeon said the surgery would be done on an out-patient basis not requiring an overnight stay but if it was done on a Thursday, I should rest Friday, Saturday and Sunday and should be right as rain for work on Monday.  Bearing in mind that this is the surgeon who kicked me out of hospital too early, in my opinion, so maybe a week is more realistic.

The proposal to do the surgery has to pass by the Cancer Commission in my department.  They will sit next week.  The surgeon was also going to a seminar last weekend and he took photos (no, not of my face!) to show a colleague who is a pioneer in this type of surgery to ask his advice.  He thought that the advice he would get is that it's ok as long as I'm under close observation for the rest of my life.

He asked me what I think of my breasts.  I just pulled a face ' where to start?'  I said the only positive thing I could that was my nipples are the same level (not the same colour but the same level).

He was also very interested in my weight (which has gone up 4kg since I saw him last March) and he told me to lose weight as the fat on someone less fat is better quality fat - even my fat is no good! He can join the queue.  Everybody, every doctor, nurse, physio, has told me to lose weight since this whole episode started, it's like my body is not my own any more and I'm now ok to be attacked from all directions.  The effect on me is to make me miserable and depressed as it's nigh on impossible to lose weight with these bastard pills I'm taking, which have given me the post menopausal spare tyre round my non existant waist, which makes me miserable and when I'm miserable, guess what?  I eat.

I have already started doing more exercise this year (putting in two more sessions at home each week), cutting out alcohol at home in the week (not that I drank a lot but it was becoming a glass of wine or two every night again).  Trying to eat healthily, have been eating more healthily since the operation but I do slip. Blah.   I realised that since I was 18 I've been battling with my weight, that's 30 years.  I am thoroughly sick of it.

I am wondering if I should do this procedure or not.  It feels wrong to be planning an operation that's not for a life saving or important reason and if anything goes wrong, well, it'll be my fault, Im sure people will say 'told you so, that's served you right for being concerned by your appearance'.  I tried to discuss it with dh but he just said 'you're going to do it whatever I say so I can't be bothered to say anything'.  I won't be counting on him for support after the op.  Yes, marital relations are not great either.....The January blues are well and truly here and I can see no sign of them stopping.

You know, I just want to be back to being a person who doesn't wear a prothesis every day, someone who doesn't feel absolutely revolted when they accidently see themselves in the mirror, someone who feels deformed and embarrassed, someone who doesn't have to hide and feel self conscious about themselves.  Before, I was fat, yes, but I was ok about my body and didn't feel so bad because I did exercise and could see it was all in proportion, but since this has all happened, I feel a disgust, deformed and powerlessness that I never had before.

Ho hum!

ps I forgot to say that the surgeon also told me that lipomodelling can CAUSE cancer because the fat could deform cells and start it all over again.  That is the one that is stressing me.  I don't know if it's true either.

This address has a clinical survey done about lipomodelling and it seems reassuring to me, unless you're the 1% of course.....http://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ipg417/chapter/2-the-procedure