And the saga continues

I am seriously disillusioned with the healthcare system.  They say it's the best in the world and maybe it is in terms of curing people and treating them but it's TOTALLY crap dealing with actual human beings.

I'd been waiting for a call from the hospital for an appointment for the MRI.  After I'd waited a week, I called the Vero the oncologists secretary.  She said she'd chase the hospital.  Evidently she did (thank you Vero, thank you).  I received the long-awaited call whilst I was in a shop buying clothes.  I stopped everything and my knees and arms went weak.  However, no need to get excited.  I was told that they 'don't give you an appointment just like that, the drs need to see your test results'.  In fact, the conclusions had been already faxed by the trusty Vero but I have the actual test xrays and printouts.

I now have to take that half day off work and go to Henri Mont d'or and drop them off so the doctors can consult and 'maybe' give me an appointment.  For fucks sake.  I could have done that ages ago, certainly last week.  I've lost yet another week at least because of administration.

I was too shocked to be angry at the (not very nice) woman telling me this but when I put the phone down I burst into tears.  I left the shop and met dh then noisily sobbed in the car, mascara running down my face, voicing all my fears out there.

I am so stupid, I keep imagining myself doing chemo - they say imagine things and they will come true.  Well, before this MRI, I did imagine myself with a flat tummy and same sized breast mounds and I imagined myself on the beach in a swimming costume, not afraid, not covering myself up, proud and feeling good.  I was getting used to this image and it was positive and good.  Now it's all negative.  I am scared.

 There's someone I know who's just been diagnosed and a friend of a friend, both going to go through this.  It's not putting me in a good place thinking about them and the hard time they're going to have ahead of them.

I'm not sleeping.  I can't concentrate.  Cancer keeps coming into my head, even when I'm teaching.  This is awful.