A year-long worry continued......

So I needed another ultrasound.  The oncologist reccomended a place in Paris, Duroc and addressed the prescription for a particular doctor.  I made an appointment for a few weeks time.

I arrived (took me an hour to get there) and it was very swish with nice receptionists (!) and really lovely offices.  I saw the doctor almost immediately but I wasn't going to get examined today - she explained that it was too soon after my last exam and I needed to wait 3 months.  So I made an appointment for November.  They were very nice, but I'd lost 2 hours of my day and I had 3 months to wait!!

November came.  I turned up, rather stressed after all this time and found out that apparently my appointment had been cancelled by phone as the doctor I had to see was not there that day.  I insisted on seeing someone - I'd cancelled stuff to be there and I was stressed.  So they agreed.

I had a mammo with a rather brisk in a hurry woman who asked me questions but wouldn't let me answer.  Then I saw the ultrasound doctor.  She was nice and put me at ease immediately.  She found the 'new stuff' in my left breast and said she thought it was very probably not anything to worry about at all.  However, she explained that this was new stuff, which hadn't grown, but still had to mark my left breast as ACR4 which means something, probably nothing to worry about but something nontheless.

She asked me if I wanted a biopsy.  I said I'd rather not but she said I should see the oncologist first then see what they reccomend me to do.  I left feeling reassured, but really really frustrated.  So I need a biopsy on the site of the biopsy to make sure there's nothing there?  Fucking mad.  This vicious circle could go on forever.   I have a feeling that I will never get to the end of this and a reconstruction is as far away as it could possibly be.

How has this affected me?  I am down, I am very down and have been since February.  I have moments when it's ok but I feel so tired of all of this and this constant buzz of worry which is just under my subconscious, always on my mind but not at the forefront.  'What ifs' that grow stronger then weaker depending on what else is going on.

There have been two ladies on a Facebook secret group (for English women breast cancer people who live in France), who have died.  This has affected me.  I have left the group quietly as it just wasn't helping me at all.

I'm seeing my oncologist on Saturday, which is why I think I feel the need to post today.  My nice oncologist has left the service unfortunately so it's either the pretty nice but busy woman or the man who I don't like.  We'll see.  We'll see what they say.

I've lived with this worry for a year now, this constant - let's see, waiting......it's not been nice.  I've put on all the weight I lost in anticipation of my reconstruction.  I'm even uglier than ever.  I'm sad and frustrated and want to get on with my life.  This is the face of cancer that people don't understand or see.  People have pretty much stopped asking me how I am, they forget and they have the right to forget, they see me getting on, but I am living with this,  you can't see it on my face, but it's still going on, it's nonstop.  It never stops.

A year-long worry

I haven't posted for ages.  I wanted to post with good news but the crappy (not bad, but just really annoying and worrying news) keeps on coming.

Firstly, can I say that I KNOW I am lucky.  I have survived up to now, I have my life a bit more back on track etc.  I'd like to say and nasty cancer nightmares are behind me, I've got used to my ugly chest and I worry less.  But guess what?  I can't.

The horrible biopsy was rien grave, yes.  I had my what is now annual check-up in July.  I had a mammo and the operator was very neutral, which worried me no end (been there before, that had a bad ending...)  She said, by precaution, I should have an ultrasound - don't like the sound of that 'by precaution either - and I couldn't have an appointment for two flippin weeks.  So I worried hard for two weeks.

I had the ultrasound in the morning and an oncologist appointment in the afternoon (with the nice, caring, listening oncologist).  I waited over 2 hours for my appointment and was only just in time for the hospital.  The appointment was a fucking farce.  I had told the receptionist that I had an appointment in the afternoon and I would need the results, and I did that because I'd phoned a couple of days earlier to check the results would be ready in time on the day. The ultrasound operator wasn't aware that I'd had a biopsy under MRI, she evidently hadn't read my notes at all.  I told her I had an appointment with the oncologist in the afternoon and she huffed and puffed and said 'why didn't you tell me?'  I said I told the receptionist, she yelled over to the receptionist and she said 'no I didn't know' - fucking liar.   When I was checking out, I asked for my previous scans, mri, results that I'd brought with me.  They couldn't find them.  And then the receptionist found them under her desk.  She also tried to charge me for the appointment, which happens every time, and I have to insist that I'm covered 100%, and she always backs down and says 'I can't see that on your Carte Vitale'.

I waited another 2 hours to see the oncologist. She had an emergency.  I understood.  She took one look at my results and said 'why didn't you give your MRI to the ultrasound operator, she says they weren't available'.  She lied.  So the oncologist kind of lost it and said - it was a waste of time you need to have another ultrasound somewhere else, these people are crap.

So I was back to where I'd started from with much time lost.