5 months on

It's been 5 months today since I was operated on, 6 months since I found out I had cancer.

How are things going is the question my friends ask.  Well, here goes:

Physical
My scars are beginning to flatten out and are softer and apparently less livid.  The area around the scars is still mostly numb and my breasts are both lumpy, which gives me no end of sleepless nights.  My scars are still sore and sensitive - it hurts to wear my 'bra' things too long so I tend not to wear the prothesis unless I'm going out and seeing people or working.  The left hand scars are puckered where the radiotherapy has shrunk the breast and it's sore when I stretch.

My left armpit and around is still very dark over quite a large area going down my side and under my arm, so it looks like that'll be permanent.  The underarm hair has not grown back under that armpit.

I almost have full, non painful movement in my left arm thanks to the careful administrations by the physio.  There is still some 'pulling' in my arm muscles near the elbow but I can do most movements without being frightened it will hurt.

My body is pretty much the same size as it was before although I started some exercise 3 weeks ago gently on the wii fit for 40 mins, so that is strenghtening my legs and hopefully will help my muffin top eventually.  I don't feel confident enough to exercise in public.  I went swimming a couple of weeks ago and that was fairly awful with my body shape, I didn't want to get out of the water.

Sleeping - since I've been taking Tamoxifen -  is very difficult - I get about one night in 4 where I sleep right through and feel rested afterwards.  The rest of the time I wake up constantly as the sleep seems much lighter so dh's snoring is all the more likely to wake me despite the earplugs.  Today is one of those days after a terrible night of waking up every hour.  I feel like I used to when I had been up all night with a crying baby.

Tiredness - I am so much more tired, I definitely feel old.

I also have frequent night sweats which are very unpleasant and I feel very thirsty after them and usually have to change my nightwear in the middle of the night as it's soaked.

I also have much more frequent nightmares, usually about dying or something happening to my family.

Periods - I have had a rejuvination of my periods - they have been every 28 days since I started Tamoxifen and are painful.  Before they were lighter and about every 3 months.

What changes have I made to my life? 
Well, change is difficult isn't it, long-lasting change in any case, so go easy on me when you find out I haven't converted to vegetarianism or lost 3 stone or found God.

- I choose green tea over coffee and tea at home - I haven't given them up but I don't fancy them so much.
- I do a lot more home cooking using a lot more vegetables and I plan a bit more in advance.  My kids are eating a lot more veg.
- We eat fresh tomatoes and onions every day
- we eat very little canned food
- We don't drink so much alcohol (that's dh and I, not the kids), we tend to save it for weekends or going out
- I have started exercising every other day, in a gentle way at home
- We eat more fruit than before
- I have slightly changed my wardrobe (not too much money to do that though)
- I work less
- I think I stick up for myself a bit more
- I know that I am loved and appreciated - the good wishes, care and attention of my friends and community and some of my family has taught me that I was much more loved that I ever thought I was.  This is good!

Mentally, looking back to that fateful day when I was operated on, I don't really feel that I'm actually living my life in a full way now.  Maybe because it's the winter, but I feel that before the sun shone much more and life was much more simple and fun.  There is not a day goes by when I don't think about the change in my body and the fear of the cancer coming back comes into my mind several times a day.  I am more fragile, cry more easily, and I don't really, honestly see how life will ever be good again, carefree if you like, most of the time I feel like I'm going through the motions of living - I want to live, I want to see the sunset but I haven't found the point of it really.  Everyone I know thinks my morale is good, but I don't really see that being miserable in public will help me, I save that for the home and my poor family who mostly don't know what to do with me when I'm down.  I see a psychologist weekly.

I have not yet looked at my 'breasts' in the mirror although they are never far from my mind - I have to touch them and the scars to oil them every day but I don't want to see them.  It often surprises me when I look down and see my flat chest in my unfilled clothes, I still feel like something is missing.

I've taken on a little more work starting in March so I hope I'll be able to cope with that.  I have to sit down more frequently when I teach these days.  I am doing some diy in the house during the school holidays and I'm going to try to do some ironing too.

I'm a different person - not like those thrusting, vibrant, glowing women you see in Good Housekeeping every month, those who do marathons and set up charities and lose loads of weight and say 'cancer was a gift'.  I'm a shadow of myself, struggling to find my new way of living and coping, I think that's it in a word, I'm coping.