After a suprise visit from my very own personal dealer, I took a pill last night (for the first time ever) and had the first good night's deep sleep that I've had for weeks. Thank you L, I really needed the break, you were right.
Quiet, sad and confused today whilst trying to live a 'normal' life and do nice things with the kids, but my head is elsewhere, I feel like I'm watching myself living, I'm far away somewhere. Still not decided what to do next. Thoughts of a masectomy disgust me as much as they did on Thursday.
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Friday, 6 September 2013
Surrounded by love
dh wouldn't leave me alone today. Luckily Miss Texas offered to spend the day with me (otherwise he would have missed yet another day or work). A day with my state of mind frankly, not something to look forward to if I was her, but she walked in smiling up to the job.
The Scottish bird also had me marked and threatened to handcuff me to the sofa to stop me wandering, or at least to metro across the city to keep me indoors and safe from harm.
Yes, there were tears and lots and lots of words, stories exchanged and chocolates and croissants and trashy mags - thanks MT. And help - I had invited 6 children to dine at lunchtime so it was quite the operation to get them fed and watered. In fact they were extremely well behaved. L also made a surprise visit, looking all glam.
It was just great to spend a day talking amongst friends where I felt I could say anything and nothing would shock - in English too! MT and L helped me to organise all my papers and health claim papers. It felt good to be organised. I had just been chucking it all in a bag with no order and not finding the papers I needed them. Disorganised, a bit like my mind right now. It is so difficult to adjust to a new plan that I didn't want. I had just become ok with the op on Monday and had high hopes to recover quickly. This new way is a whole different kettle of fish - much bigger and scarier prospect. It feels like everything has just been thrown in the air.
Found out that L is a very speedy kitchen cleaner and MT gives great hugs and chops carrots really quickly.
Gave a few people a fright with my post last night. Sorry, I was rock bottom (at least as rock bottom as I have gone so far, but I have a horrible feeling that there may be more rocks to hit at a later date). At this point I have not managed to reconcile myself with the possible courses of action and I am not convinced that I am mentally and physically capable of following the suggested path. Lots of feedback and 'suivi' from friends today regarding the new situation, it is welcomed and apologies to those texts or mails I haven't replied to as yet. Thank you thank you.
The path has taken a turning I was hoping not to take into a dark wood with lots of monsters along the way. It is scary and I am hesitating to take the first step.
I hope to sleep tonight (I haven't properly slept for a few nights now) and to sleep in tomorrow morning. My mind is everywhere but it has really helped to talk so much today. And I hope to do some nice stuff this weekend. The strain is showing on all of us. We need a break.
Life in the cancer lane starts again on Monday at 18h with the appointment with the plastic surgeon.
The Scottish bird also had me marked and threatened to handcuff me to the sofa to stop me wandering, or at least to metro across the city to keep me indoors and safe from harm.
Yes, there were tears and lots and lots of words, stories exchanged and chocolates and croissants and trashy mags - thanks MT. And help - I had invited 6 children to dine at lunchtime so it was quite the operation to get them fed and watered. In fact they were extremely well behaved. L also made a surprise visit, looking all glam.
It was just great to spend a day talking amongst friends where I felt I could say anything and nothing would shock - in English too! MT and L helped me to organise all my papers and health claim papers. It felt good to be organised. I had just been chucking it all in a bag with no order and not finding the papers I needed them. Disorganised, a bit like my mind right now. It is so difficult to adjust to a new plan that I didn't want. I had just become ok with the op on Monday and had high hopes to recover quickly. This new way is a whole different kettle of fish - much bigger and scarier prospect. It feels like everything has just been thrown in the air.
Found out that L is a very speedy kitchen cleaner and MT gives great hugs and chops carrots really quickly.
Gave a few people a fright with my post last night. Sorry, I was rock bottom (at least as rock bottom as I have gone so far, but I have a horrible feeling that there may be more rocks to hit at a later date). At this point I have not managed to reconcile myself with the possible courses of action and I am not convinced that I am mentally and physically capable of following the suggested path. Lots of feedback and 'suivi' from friends today regarding the new situation, it is welcomed and apologies to those texts or mails I haven't replied to as yet. Thank you thank you.
The path has taken a turning I was hoping not to take into a dark wood with lots of monsters along the way. It is scary and I am hesitating to take the first step.
I hope to sleep tonight (I haven't properly slept for a few nights now) and to sleep in tomorrow morning. My mind is everywhere but it has really helped to talk so much today. And I hope to do some nice stuff this weekend. The strain is showing on all of us. We need a break.
Life in the cancer lane starts again on Monday at 18h with the appointment with the plastic surgeon.
Thursday, 5 September 2013
Sweet and sour
Z came round this morning with a meal package - galettes, eggs, ham and a bottle of cider. I thought she was just coming round for a coffee and she refused to move unless I got my ironing and board and we sat there, me drinking green tea, her doing my ironing. It was great! Thanks Z.
I had an appointment with an alternative type of counsellor today, I felt some energy going back into my cold hard body.
And then it went away. The surgeon's secretary called at 17h30 asking me for an appointment with him at the hospital he works in on Thursdays at 19h. I expected the worst as I knew he had the Commission Oncology 94 on Tuesday evenings where they discuss all the cases. I knew the oncologist and the surgeon wanted me to keep my breast so I was hoping and was pretty sure things would just go ahead as planned on Monday.
But no, the Commission have decided that I need my breast amputating. Yes a masectomy. The op is cancelled, I have to see a plastic surgeon on Monday so he can maim me for ever. I want to die, really. I cannot do this, I cannot. The news just gets worse and worse. Apparently the tumor is too large to take any chances and there may be others hidden. I'm sure now that the cancer will be mastisied and I'll be doing chemo before long. Why not? All the other news has been progressively worse and worse. Just kill me now and have done with it. What have I done to deserve this?
I cannot live like this without my best feature, I cannot I cannot I cannot. Really, please don't tell me others have done it, it's been ok, they are still alive, think of the kids and my husband I KNOW all this. I cannot.
I had an appointment with an alternative type of counsellor today, I felt some energy going back into my cold hard body.
And then it went away. The surgeon's secretary called at 17h30 asking me for an appointment with him at the hospital he works in on Thursdays at 19h. I expected the worst as I knew he had the Commission Oncology 94 on Tuesday evenings where they discuss all the cases. I knew the oncologist and the surgeon wanted me to keep my breast so I was hoping and was pretty sure things would just go ahead as planned on Monday.
But no, the Commission have decided that I need my breast amputating. Yes a masectomy. The op is cancelled, I have to see a plastic surgeon on Monday so he can maim me for ever. I want to die, really. I cannot do this, I cannot. The news just gets worse and worse. Apparently the tumor is too large to take any chances and there may be others hidden. I'm sure now that the cancer will be mastisied and I'll be doing chemo before long. Why not? All the other news has been progressively worse and worse. Just kill me now and have done with it. What have I done to deserve this?
I cannot live like this without my best feature, I cannot I cannot I cannot. Really, please don't tell me others have done it, it's been ok, they are still alive, think of the kids and my husband I KNOW all this. I cannot.
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
Hotel room booked!
Passed by the hospital to see Nathalie today and took the prescriptions for the exams next week plus a hospital admittance form so I checked in for my stay from Monday to Thursday choosing a single room with private shower. Some privacy in my misery!
The admittance procedure was very smooth and short and helpful. Normally children are not allowed to visit me so I might have to come downstairs to see them. I hope they do come because I think I'd be more sad without them and they will be curious as to what's going on with me.
Had to tell a few more friends today now they are back from holidays. Must try to stop the tears pricking when I tell them, I can't be easy to be told news like that. Yet more offers of helping with the kids, which is great and much appreciated.
It's La Rentrée today so we saw the children off to school - it's good for them to get into the swing of things after such a long break. It will do them good. I feel really tired now I'm on my own and am rather tearful, I think my body is relaxing after looking after the children and having to keep it together for so long in front of them. I am more fragile than I thought I suspect.
Really enjoying seeing the sun today, it's so warm here and sunny. I enjoyed buying some healthy food on the market this morning.
The admittance procedure was very smooth and short and helpful. Normally children are not allowed to visit me so I might have to come downstairs to see them. I hope they do come because I think I'd be more sad without them and they will be curious as to what's going on with me.
Had to tell a few more friends today now they are back from holidays. Must try to stop the tears pricking when I tell them, I can't be easy to be told news like that. Yet more offers of helping with the kids, which is great and much appreciated.
It's La Rentrée today so we saw the children off to school - it's good for them to get into the swing of things after such a long break. It will do them good. I feel really tired now I'm on my own and am rather tearful, I think my body is relaxing after looking after the children and having to keep it together for so long in front of them. I am more fragile than I thought I suspect.
Really enjoying seeing the sun today, it's so warm here and sunny. I enjoyed buying some healthy food on the market this morning.
Doctors' receptionists
Warning, there may be some swear words to come.....I needed to make two appointements today - one with the anesthesiologist and the other for the steroataxique wire thingie. It was a day that ended in floods of tears and much stress unfortunately.
When I asked for an appointment on the phone the anesthesiologist's secretary said 'you're being operated when? when? really?' well there are no appointments this week, no room at all.' Full stop. At this point, what are you actually meant to say? Oh thanks ok I'll cancel my operation then? What do they expect? This often happens in France, people come out with an immediate 'no it's not possible' then they stop speaking whilst you catch your breath and have to think of an appropriate response. I swear it's done on purpose to push those get angry buttons.
My response today was 'fuck you bitch and your bastard bad Monday attitude, you have a job to do so do it and don't treat me like I have to beg you, you are not doing me a personal favour, I have breast cancer and I need an appointment to get this frickin tumor out of my breast so I don't die - it is not my pleasure to call your stupid ass, it is something I am obliged to do, so either you make some time in his calendar or I will come round with a machine gun after killing your family and pets and you will find a space for me'
Ha, na, just kidding, I held my ground and repeated my request. She grudgingly fitted me in on Friday at 18h40. I asked her where the offices were and she said 'oh the hospital isn't that large, you'll find us.' So I insisted again and now I know.
Then, onto the second appointment. I called the place where I had my biopsies done and had another argument with the receptionist when I asked for this particular test, she said ' no you don't tell us what test you want, the doctor examines you and he decides'. Anyway, after that little argument it turns out the dr isn't even there on a Monday so that was out. So I called the surgeon's secretary, Nathalie. She gave me the name of a place not too far from our town. I called and the receptionist said 'oh we don't do that test here, this the name of another place in 12th that does it'. Ok, bizzare, so I called that hospital and waited, got transferred to the wrong place, got cut off, called back, waited, transferred to the wrong place and finally spoke to someone who said that they absolutely do not do this test for people outside the hospital and if I wanted the appointment, my surgeon had to call. This is where the conversation became a little like the imaginary one above with my cutting off before the death threats.
And then my legs started to shake and I sobbed. Enough already.
This is where dh becomes darling hero not dear husband. I called him crying, sent him an email with all the details. He called Nathalie again and he started the same circuit as me getting the 'no we don't do those tests here' so he spoke with Nathalie again and she said she'd call them tomorrow as she was too busy today. I told dh to call the oncologist, Patrice, who was not impressed and took a trip down the corridor to have a chat with busy Nathalie.
She called me back within 20 minutes and I have an appointment at 11h on Friday at the place that 'doesn't do these tests' not too far from our home. Result, but with what consequences? I was seriously knocked out of shape and ended up weeping in front of my kids. I know this might sound like an over reaction and I didn't realise how strung out and close to the edge I was until today.
Really I think these women (and they are always women) are either incompetent or complete bitches. Why?
I am longing to meet those dedicated, kind and caring professionals that health care needs, I hope very much I meet them in hospital when I need them most.
When I asked for an appointment on the phone the anesthesiologist's secretary said 'you're being operated when? when? really?' well there are no appointments this week, no room at all.' Full stop. At this point, what are you actually meant to say? Oh thanks ok I'll cancel my operation then? What do they expect? This often happens in France, people come out with an immediate 'no it's not possible' then they stop speaking whilst you catch your breath and have to think of an appropriate response. I swear it's done on purpose to push those get angry buttons.
My response today was 'fuck you bitch and your bastard bad Monday attitude, you have a job to do so do it and don't treat me like I have to beg you, you are not doing me a personal favour, I have breast cancer and I need an appointment to get this frickin tumor out of my breast so I don't die - it is not my pleasure to call your stupid ass, it is something I am obliged to do, so either you make some time in his calendar or I will come round with a machine gun after killing your family and pets and you will find a space for me'
Ha, na, just kidding, I held my ground and repeated my request. She grudgingly fitted me in on Friday at 18h40. I asked her where the offices were and she said 'oh the hospital isn't that large, you'll find us.' So I insisted again and now I know.
Then, onto the second appointment. I called the place where I had my biopsies done and had another argument with the receptionist when I asked for this particular test, she said ' no you don't tell us what test you want, the doctor examines you and he decides'. Anyway, after that little argument it turns out the dr isn't even there on a Monday so that was out. So I called the surgeon's secretary, Nathalie. She gave me the name of a place not too far from our town. I called and the receptionist said 'oh we don't do that test here, this the name of another place in 12th that does it'. Ok, bizzare, so I called that hospital and waited, got transferred to the wrong place, got cut off, called back, waited, transferred to the wrong place and finally spoke to someone who said that they absolutely do not do this test for people outside the hospital and if I wanted the appointment, my surgeon had to call. This is where the conversation became a little like the imaginary one above with my cutting off before the death threats.
And then my legs started to shake and I sobbed. Enough already.
This is where dh becomes darling hero not dear husband. I called him crying, sent him an email with all the details. He called Nathalie again and he started the same circuit as me getting the 'no we don't do those tests here' so he spoke with Nathalie again and she said she'd call them tomorrow as she was too busy today. I told dh to call the oncologist, Patrice, who was not impressed and took a trip down the corridor to have a chat with busy Nathalie.
She called me back within 20 minutes and I have an appointment at 11h on Friday at the place that 'doesn't do these tests' not too far from our home. Result, but with what consequences? I was seriously knocked out of shape and ended up weeping in front of my kids. I know this might sound like an over reaction and I didn't realise how strung out and close to the edge I was until today.
Really I think these women (and they are always women) are either incompetent or complete bitches. Why?
I am longing to meet those dedicated, kind and caring professionals that health care needs, I hope very much I meet them in hospital when I need them most.
Sunday, 1 September 2013
Friends and cancer
When fighting cancer, the support of friends is as important as the love of close family
It’s not stress that pushes a cancer to grow faster: it’s the feeling of helplessness that we sometimes develop when we’re facing stress. This is accompanied by abnormalities in cortisol, which when they persist can prevent the immune system from doing its work, and increase inflammation in the body. The best defense against the feeling of helplessness is to find support from people around you.David Servan Schreiber
I am so utterly grateful for the emails, calls, cards, presents, offers of help, visits, kind words, hugs and everything that has come pouring out of my friends (and some strangers) in floods. You have no idea how much it means that you are bothering to read my blog, that you are keeping in touch with me in different ways. Every day there are emails and texts or cards or blog comments or messages from people thinking about me and it cheers and bolsters me in a way that nothing else could do.
We should all do this for each other whether we are ill or not. Go on, send a message to a friend saying that you are thinking about them right now. Go on, do it, it's good for their health!
Thank you. We will have a party when this is all done.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)