Sweet and sour

Z came round this morning with a meal package - galettes, eggs, ham and a bottle of cider.  I thought she was just coming round for a coffee and she refused to move unless I got my ironing and board and we sat there, me drinking green tea, her doing my ironing.  It was great!  Thanks Z.

I had an appointment with an alternative type of counsellor today, I felt some energy going back into my cold hard body.

And then it went away.  The surgeon's secretary called at 17h30 asking me for an appointment with him at the hospital he works in on Thursdays at 19h.  I expected the worst as I knew he had the Commission Oncology 94 on Tuesday evenings where they discuss all the cases.  I knew the oncologist and the surgeon wanted me to keep my breast so I was  hoping and was pretty sure things would just go ahead as planned on Monday.

But no, the Commission have decided that I need my breast amputating.  Yes a masectomy.  The op is cancelled, I have to see a plastic surgeon on Monday so he can maim me for ever.  I want to die, really.  I cannot do this, I cannot.  The news just gets worse and worse.  Apparently the tumor is too large to take any chances and there may be others hidden.  I'm sure now that the cancer will be mastisied and I'll be doing chemo before long.  Why not?  All the other news has been progressively worse and worse.  Just kill me now and have done with it.  What have I done to deserve this?

I cannot live like this without my best feature, I cannot I cannot I cannot.  Really, please don't tell me  others have done it,  it's been ok, they are still alive, think of the kids and my husband I KNOW all this.  I cannot.