Dropped the chidren at sport and unfortunately got talking to another Mum who knows about my cancer because her daugher told her I was going to hospital for an operation (she'd heard it at school as she kicks around with my son's friends). The Mum confronted dh with this and he told her the truth.
Now this wouldn't normally be the person I'd confide inso I was uncomfortable when I saw her and she started asking me more questions about the treatment. My nature is to be honest but this time I wish I hadn't been. She started going on about how I should have chosen a mastectomy, what happens if they leave some cancer in and it starts growing everywhere and does more damage than before and how I should think of my children and how much I have to live for and how I should have taken another decision.
In the end I stopped her and said 'I wish I hadn't spoken to you, you're making me feel bad' and the reply 'oh no I don't mean to, we are all with you, you are strong, if we can do anything for you blah blah blah'.
This is why my reaction is not to want to tell everyone just those people that, even if they don't agree, they would support and understand my choice. dh told me tonight that, even though it was scary, it was the right choice for me.
I am seriously wavering now the operation is in one week exactly. This encounter did me no good whatsoever.
I had an appointment with the psychologist this evening, had to take the children so the Listening Blonde chatted to them for a bit. She gave Loic some chocolate biscuits. He had a moment when he looked really really sad. I asked him if he was ok thinking he wanted to say something, he said 'I don't like dark chocolate can I give these biscuits to Théo'. His brother though, did take the opportunity to express his concerns about the surgery and that something might go wrong so, although I'd already tried to reassure him, it was good that the LB did too and explained things a bit to him.
We then had a session together alone where we talked about the operation. I'm feeling very scared and it's like all this is happening to someone else and not me, I can't believe it will be me lying on that operating table next week. This doesn't happen to me. LB gave me an idea of what would happen, that I'd have a huge bandage around my breasts at first which would be taken off before I left the hospital. She advised me to use the painkillers regularly rather than waiting for the last minute (which is what I would do as I hardly even take aspirin, never liked medication) as it's harder to get rid of a big pain and the body tends to start to freeze up and it gets to a vicious circle. She also asked me how I was feeling about the change in size of my breasts as they would be much smaller. I had thought a bit but it struck home today that this was something that was actually going to happen. I would never ever be the same again. I had been trying to think positively and have seen smaller bras in shops thinking that it would be nice to have the chance to buy a bra like lots of other people other than having to buy them in Uk each time as the size is so big, but I haven't managed to convince myself. I feel like I am losing myself. I know everyone tries to put a positive spin on it - oh get the catalogue out, you'll feel like a younger woman, your personality is what counts etc but the truth is that my breasts are truly the only good thing, for me, about my body. They put everything into proportion and they are damm sexy and voluptuous. And they will be gone forever.
I feel like this change will be like a 'vide' in my life and my clothes and on my body. I have all my clothes for large breasts and they will just feel empty. What do I do, throw away all my clothes? As LB explained it would change my view of my femininity and sexuality. Already I don't really feel v feminine or sexy so god know what this will do. I notice that I've already started hugging my cardigan around me and crossing my arms across my chest a lot recently, as if trying to protect myself or my breasts I guess.
LB asked me had I thought about the moment I would see the changed breasts. She advised me that the nurse would propose looking at them in the mirror and she said that it would be better to do it then with someone rather than by myself at home. Personally I do not want to see these new things all bloody, scarred and small on my big chest. I can't imagine wanting to look at them ever again and feeling sexy again. I know people say sexy comes from within, but certain things about a woman's body help to give you that confidence and they are taking that away. This bastard disease has taken them away. And even this operation might not be enough.
I cried a lot tonight. dh keeps telling me it's only appearance. Yes well, that's a lot frankly.
I hate that I have cancer. I am so angry to have it. I does matter that my tits are going away and I KNOW there are people who have a much much worse deal than me, but we have to deal with what we are given. I DO feel lucky for the blessings I have but I wish this bastard thing had never come into my life and in the life of my friends and family. It's not fair, it's not fair. I wish it would fuck off.
If someone gave me an airline ticket for somewhere far, I would go and leave everything behind right now. I want to just leave my life with my black cancer cloud over my head behind and go and die somewhere warm where nobody knows me.
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