Day 1 at home

Started badly.  I slept in fits and starts, a little like I did at the hospital, waking every two hours and not getting back to sleep for a while.  My back was agony in the bed and I couldn't find a comfortable position despite my pillows place all around under arms, legs etc.  Needed the loo twice in the night as I'm not eating much but trying to drink water.  Very disturbed night.  At least I had an inkling of what time it was.  I had no clock at the hospital so I remember hazily looking through the slits in the electronic blinds to see if the sun had come up or not.  At least I have a clock here so I can situate myself in time and I'm not so floundering.  Have to find a better position.  Will be trying the sofabed tonight.  Might be able to set up a slight incline that the hospital bed had with the large cushions.  The drugs are making me have very unpleasant trippy dreams, being chased and terrified, very vivid.  I could do without them frankly.

So this morning was tiring and I wanted the kids' bedrooms to have sheets changed and vacuumed and tiday before my little sis S came to stay and help us out.  So I was issuing instructions and doing far too much.  Believe it or not there was nobody in our house that knew how to change a duvet cover without help.  At least in the end the small ones managed it together.  Mabye this experience will make them a bit more autonomous?  We can hope because I was exhausted and hurting afterwards.

Our neigbour came over to look after me and Loic whilst dh went to the airport to pick up little sis.  It was a bit hard work making conversation as I don't know her very well but v kind of her to come round and she did Loic's homework with him no trouble and more thoroughly than I would have done!

Théo went to lunch with his mate and stayed out all afternoon, doing his homework and having fun with V & A, so that was very helpful.

Little sis arrived and that was truly lovely to have her here so we just got down to chatting away 19 to the dozen.  V arrived and stayed a bit to chat which was nice.  After that it was dinner time and we ate the delicious food delivered to us discreetly and quickly from someone I have never even met.  She didn't come in but generously gave us several helpings of pasta and apple crumble (which were delicious) and ran away.  I cried when I realised she had come and gone, it was such a lovely thing to do for someone you don't know, so heartwarming.  Miss Texas and J's meals of yesterday and for lunch were also so much appreciated.  One less decision to make in the day, one less thing for dh to ask me about and think about.  Just fantastic.

Kids delighted to see little sis and especially all the presents she bought round (they are kids after all) and I was pretty delighted by the pressies too it has to be said.

Not eating a whole lot right now as I had a lot of sickness and dizziness today.  Pills, anasthetic, not sleeping, don't know but very nasty and tiring.

Nurse came round to change bandages and she was v gentle but I wanted her to stop when she started talking about the treatment and 'oh so you'll have chemo, and perhaps not radiation, then you'll have this and this....'I just wanted her to shut up and get back to me when she'd thoroughly read my case notes.  But you know, when someone is wrapping gauze round your battered and bruised body, you don't feel up to being kickass somehow.  She did say that I was very bruised everywhere so I guess it's good that the bruises are coming out.  I saw some on my upper arm today and I have no idea what must have caused them.  I have them on my legs too from the anticoagulant injections every evening.

You might be wondering, like the nurse, what is the next step?  Well, for the moment, rest and make sure my right nipple doesn't go black and drop off and not to exert my stiches so they pull.

Then on Friday I see the surgeon and he'll take off the left nipple greft to see if it's taken (or not).  So I could end up with no nipples I'm realising.  I guess he'll tell me if the stitches and wounds are looking ok (which the nurses have all said they are looking good) and the last bit?  I think he might force me to look at my tiny, pathetic excuses for breasts in his big long mirror.  I  know I am not ready and I won't be ready on Friday.  I feel sick every time I chance to look over them (I try to look away) when the nurse is changing the dressings, really like I want to vomit and this has nothing to do with the drugs or otherwise, doesn't help that they are covered in blood and wounds I guess but....I am trying to find a way to tell him that I don't want to look at his handiwork without offending him, because I imagine if it's gone well, he'll be proud he saved any of the breasts.  Any suggestions as to how I could deal with this one please, he's pretty blunt, although kind and won't put up with any emotional stuff I think?  He thought I should be changing my own dressings and mentioned to my dh that he was surprised that I wasn't ready to change them myself.  I think this might have been his way of checking out how I felt about the breasts.  And frankly, I cannot turn round let alone put dressings on my back drain wounds so it was pretty unrealistic.  But help!  It's like when someone gives you a present they have maybe made themself and have put an awful lot of effort into and they are really proud of their and you absolutely hate it, feel really disappointed and hoped for something much bigger, brighter more slick and wish they'd gone to a shop and picked out a new one.

Anyone?

Results of lymph node and cancer biopsy in 3 (long) weeks, well 2 and a half...

Night night off to try to sleep on the sofabed.

btw I did manage, finally, to poo for the 1st time since Wed and it was GREEEN!  I know tmi, sorry.