I'm not alone, not at all

My lovely friend F who I met when we were both expecting our first babies together has had her fair share of troubles in the health department and she said she had experienced many of the same feelings as I'd expressed in my blog.

- a feeling fairly close to disgust for those medical people who can't be bothered to show some compassion.  I had some counselling back in the spring and I sobbed through 5 of 6 sessions apart from the one where we discussed my feelings about these people.  Now I know that the solution to my habit of crying too easily is simply to get very, very angry.

- even those doctors who are competent and really trying to help tend to be like mechanics.  They really want to fix the engine, but they don't waste too much energy trying to protect the trim. (can you tell she has worked in the car industry?)

- closed door conversations behind doors so kids can't hear.  Sunglasses needed afterwards.

- the journey as a walk down a corridor, behind which are various monsters, that may or may not be scary.  Some of the doors I've not had to open, some I've opened and the monsters have been less scary than I expected, and some have opened and they've been really quite nasty.  But still i guess I'm walking down the corridor.

- feeling like a horse that's got to a jump that they are just refusing to go over.  I've had one of these already where I thought 'I just can't do that', but as it turned out I had no choice and I did it, and it's ok now.  I've got a new one now - nasty drug is making my hair fall out. 

I'm not sure if it makes it better or worse to know that other people can recognise some of what you feel- I hope it helps.

Yes darling that helps, thank you.

- and my lovely anonymous message-er who has already passed down the same path as I am faced with

I know this is an awful time and this will sound weird to you now (but it won't later, trust me) : You are SO lucky that they've found it early and that it's not a life sentence. You need to give the doctors the opportunity to make you well again, which they will. They'll give you a second life. You've been doing so well. Stay strong because your kids need you, your DH needs you and you need you !

Coming to terms with a mastectomy is *really* hard. I was given no option. I was basically told, "What we normally do in these circumstances is ..." By that time I felt that my life was so totally out of my control and I was so dependent on doctors to make decisions for me, that I accepted it with a stiff upper lip and few tears. I mean, what effing choice do you (did I) HAVE ?!! As if we're even half way qualified to say NO to that ! I wanted rid of the cancer for ever and a mastectomy is by FAR the best way of guaranteeing that. If the doctors themselves aren't sure how effective a lumpectomy + radiotherapy would be, then for ever after you'll be worrying incessantly if they "got it all out". For your own peace of mind, if you have a mastectomy you won't have to worry about that. It will go and you'll never have to worry about getting breast cancer in that breast ever again.

Thank you. I don't feel any better or ready but I know you are talking good sense that only you would have been able to tell me from your experience.