It's been a month since I saw the surgeon and this evening we had an appointment with him. I asked dh to go because I was scared that he'd make me look in his big mirror and I am not yet ready to look at my breasts on my body so dh was well briefed as to how to deal with the situation should it come up. Obviously I have to look down on them when I wash but I don't want to see them on my body yet, it's just too hard already with the change in size, to see these small pathetic things on my front, but to actually look at these ugly things on my body, I don't want to get even more down about it so I don't look. This is my way of dealing with it.
In fact he didn't try (maybe because dh was there, maybe not). He did later suggest that I contacted the listening blonde because she might be able to help me with coming to terms with things.
He just looked at my breasts, felt them and noticed that the left was going red because of the radiotherapy. He also mentioned that the scars on the left would heal more quickly as the therapy actually helps the healing process. He suggested, jokingly, getting some on the right to get rid of the scars.
I explained that the flesh under the scars is very lumpy and hard and he suggested I massaged it with a moisturising cream. 'In fact you could massage them or you could ask your husband to do so'. Now there's a great suggestion for a romantic, sexy game 'would you like to massage my partical mastectomy scars?' Keep it to yourself, everyone will want some of it!
We talked about the future and I said that I was very much looking forward to seeing him again in the operating theatre for the breast augmentation and this is the one thing that is keeping me going to January 2015. To be honest I don't know how I'm going to make it that far with these strange little breasts, especially the summer but I have no choice.
He explained that the proposed operation would be two or three sessions where he would take fat from my abdomen, put it in a centrifuge and reinject it into my breasts to even them out and give them more volume. This would be done under general anesthetic and I would be in and out the same day.
HOWEVER, there was a however! He has to firstly approve the operations, to check the skin is sufficiently elastic then he had to pass it for the approval of the oncology committee who might refuse. Mainly because the fat injections would bring with them naturally occuring calcifications from the abdomen fat to the breasts and this might interfere with the surveillance for the return of the cancer. So, they may prefer to keep the breasts as they are so that I can be sure I don't have any return of the cancer and not complicate things with the addition of more calcifications (non cancerous but they would show up on scans or mris as calcifications). He said they have to think of health over aesthetics. He also said that in his opinion they breasts were pretty good in terms of shape. Well, it's flattering that he thinks so and I can't judge because I haven't seen them, but they are so small compared to my body and my body will never be in proportion. I know he has to not promise something that isn't 99% sure but I thought it was a sure thing.
I was pretty gutted to hear this news although I had read already that this calcification matter was a complication for this type of operation. But you know, as I'm writing this, I feel pretty angry that even my lovely, pretty kind surgeon might have lied (well misled me in any case) because I was pretty much led to believe that this operation that can take place only one year after the day of my last radiotherapy session, was something that I was entitled to and there would be no question that this would take place, no obstacles. See my theory about doctors lying is proved yet again....
Readers, this is the ONLY thing getting me through this (apart from the short term very much welcome cure) in the long term, this is the only ray of sunshine that I can see, my only chance to have a reasonably normal appearance. He said not to worry about it for the moment, just to get better. But I hope you understand that I really need this to keep me going. Lots of people have said 'maybe when you get to Jan 2015 you won't want the operations and I tell that of course I will want them' - they don't understand because they have not lived this horrible experience of losing something so primordial to them.
I'm a bit disenchanted and not ready to give up this fight. I will go somewhere else and pay for the operation myself if needs be, frankly, if I can find someone to do it. That's how I feel right now. Like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet.
dh thinks the surgeon is really really kind and could not be nicer. Next appointment 3 months after the radiation has finished.
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