Trying on bras

I've been sort of keen but very apprehensive about this activity since my operation.

Before I used to buy 3 bras per year - one black, one nude and one white or maybe a colourful one, from either Bravissimo (shops for girls with big tits) or Debenhams where they usually have very nice, homely ladies to fit you and an excellent selection for larger breasted ladies.

Well, things have changed to say the least.

I spent around a month in my post surgery bra - a monstrous black nylon thing that became less and less tight as the swelling and bruising went down and ended up far too big for me and very uncomfortable.

I then graduated to two sports bras in thinnish material with no seams that were comfortable but gave no shape whatsoever, just a squashed and spreading appearance and with which I couldn't wear anything but high necked tops as the straps showed.

I was sort of looking forward to getting into a new bra because with big breasts there is nowhere in Paris I could shop for a bra without spending 70 - 100€ on a posh label.  I pictured myself in those little scraps of lace and patterns with bright colours adorning my new chest, pushing up and together my baby sized breasts to give a small but perfect cleavage.

I couldn't have been any more wrong.

Firstly, the surgeon has forbidden me from buying bras with wiring until further notice because they will damage the scarring and rub on the delicate skin and apparently most of all, they will hurt.

Secondly, the oncologists have told me to wear cotton sports bras for the duration of the radiotherapy and a month or so afterwards so the skin can breathe, repair and it will not be too harsh on the burns.  I was told off by the oncologist last week as I had invested in a Genie bra (one white, one nude and one black) which was reccomended on various Cancer Care British websites, for the duration of the radiotherapy, particularly as it has no seams and gives some support.  The great thing is also that the bras have little pockets and pads you can put in them so I could boost my meagre cleavage to give some shape under my clothes and place the pads to even out the size of the breasts.  Not ideal as there was still a sports bra squash effect, but better than the surgical bra for sure.

http://www.geniebra.com/

http://www.geniebra.com/seamless-bra.php  here's the bra I got.

Unfortunately it's not made of cotton and this was heating my skin and making the burns more uncomfortable says the doctor, so that has been put to the side for the moment.

I re-found my old sports bra in cotton with a thick band underneath and no seams and I've been wearing it since.  It's not tight and doesn't rub nor irritate.  However, the cups are baggy to say the least and just remind me what I've lost.  I have no shape at all under my clothes and I look pathetic (in the real sense of the word) if I look at myself in the mirror.  The radiotherapy has shrunk my left breast (as expected and warned by the surgeon side effect) and I am very lop-sided now.  It is excruitiatingly sad for me to be in this state.

I did venture into the bra trying on territory with my pal Steph, who was lovely and supportive and kind and brought me all sorts of cute things to the changing rooms.  Sadly mostly cute things that didn't fit as, although I have virtually no breasts, I still have a very broad (some may say fat) back and have plenty of fat under my arms which were sort of part of my old breasts but has been left there, so it sticks out.  Sorry if this is tmi.  I manged to try on the bras without having to look at my body by turning my back to put them on and turning to face the mirror when it was fitted, although the ugly scars did protrude out from the side too, spoiling the effect of the dainty-ness.

So my dream of the lacy, pretty pushed up came crashing down.  I did find that the moulded cups went some way to disguising my mutilation and evened up the size difference, but the fatty stick outs did not help.  Also, the pretty lacy things only go up to 36 and 38 was hard to find.

I had another go myself in Galeries Lafayette on a quiet Monday morning; they have a good selection of bras.  I found one lacy bra by Triumph which looked acceptable and managed to tuck in the fatty sides,  but it just made me look boyish and flat.  The pretty lace looked incongrous on my flat chest, like I was cross dressing somehow.  I cried so hard in that changing room.

Things were not good this weekend as I sat opposite an accquaintance, who had good sized breasts and a very low top on, for a long meal.  She was not trying to make me feel bad I think, in fact I imagine that she probably didn't give what I thought a second glance but her breasts glaring out at me in stark contrast with my flat, scarf covered chest (the scarf which I had to take off as it got too hot and I felt very exposed) made me super self conscious and depressed.  I would have been flaunting my best feature like her a few months ago and now I have nothing to offer in that department, or any other in fact.

And now this afternoon I tried to find a cotton sports bra (I don't think they exist, they are all breathable, plastic neon things with halter backs it seems).  I tried on those that had the highest cotton count and they were too small or looked absolutely ridiculous.  Tears were again dripping down my face with black streaky mascara, making my eyes puffy and small in the changing room.  I wanted to smash the mirror.

I was expecting a miracle I think, put a bra on and all will look like the adverts.  My chance to wear a Wonderbra.

Well the miracle didn't come and it's not coming.  I don't know where this leaves me apart from in a mess in my head and very unhopeful and massively self conscious and depressed.  I don't see that I'll ever be able to come to terms with this change.  I had a dream about my old breasts last night.  This is really killing me.