Radiotherapy # 21, 12 to go - crying on the table

I was early for the session this morning, hoping that I'd been seen earlier as I had to prepare a lesson for my students.  Absolutely no chance!  I waited an hour to get to walk through the blue door (I think there was a back up as the yellow door machine was not working again).  So I lay there again for the 21st session, tits up in the cold room with 3 people peering over my chest and at my side and leaving me in the room alone to be zapped.  I don't know what happened but the tears just came and came out of my eyes, drippping down my face.  I wasn't sobbing, the tears just kept on coming and I couldn't stop them.  I couldn't move either to brush them away.

One of the manipulators came straight to me afterwards and asked me if my eyes were watering or if I was crying.  And I burst into tears.  I was quickly taken aside, a leaflet about the psychological services thrust into my hand, a handkercheif (well a paper towel) and my oncologist was on the phone as quick as silver.  He wanted me to stay and see him so I had to stay.  I wanted to stop the treatment on 23rd and take 24th off and he had to give his authorisation but in the end it turns out my 25 sessions will be finished on 23rd.  After that, there is the 'booster' phase which delivers targetted and stronger rays on the affected area.  I have the chance of starting this phase after a break of a few weeks.

I said I wanted to carry on and get it over with, although I did want to start on 26th so I can have a break at Xmas.

I waited 90 minutes for the oncologist to arrive who saw me briefly, examined me and said I could carry on with the booster sessions after Xmas.  To be honest I'm disappointed in him.  I haven't seen him for a month and he was very cursory and not very serious.  I think, though, that he wanted to be quick as I said I had to get to work. 

 Rushed home, rushed to work and rushed home for a session with the kine.

I was very tempted to cancel my class but I put my make up on and went out there.  The students were quite funny today.

Today I am grateful for lots of things:-
- the trainee (the not very serious one) who fetched the hand towel to dry my eyes with
- GG who came by and picked me up after the session
- dinner out with my two lovely friends
- a delicious escalope au citron with penne
- my work because if I'd stayed at home I would have gotten really depressed
- my two male colleagues that said 'you just need to remember that you are sexy' and 'oh you look great'  Not feelin' either but it's nice to hear it.
- And I am very grateful for the vigilance and reactivity of the kind radiotherapy staff.  I feel embarrassed about crying but I really could not help it.