Radiotherapy appointment 2

I went to the appointment alone on public transport and I think it was a mistake to go alone.

Easier to find the radio/chemo wing this time so no more wandering around searching and I arrived in the right place no problem.

The waiting room was full of unhappy looking folk and the radiotherapy waiting room only had a couple of people - a very emaciated old lady wearing a headscarf (who, despite her ill looking appearance was actually quite sparky) and a lady in her sixties with a wig.  I just don't see myself as an ill person and coming to this place reminds me of my illness and makes me feel much more isolated from the world outside and much more part of this horrible, sad world of ill people.

The turnover of patients was pretty quick and the waiting time didn't seem too long.  I was seen within 20 mins of my appointment time. 

I was called and went into a little changing cubicle, took off my top and was told to keep my cardigan on until the treatment room and asked to wait for the radiologist to fetch me from the cubicle.  Then I was led down a short corridor into the treatment room.  The radiation apparatus is extremely large and very impressive and overwhelming.  Huge.  I was told to lie down and put my arm above my head and to stay absolutely still.

The aim of the appointment was to situate me on the machine so that the rays would be hitting my breast and avoiding my lungs and heart.  Once in position, I was left in the room with the radiologist issuing instructions through an intercom.  They came in to change the level of the table or the angle and to measure with a ruler and various apparatus from time to time.

I have to say up until this moment, the only moment I had felt really really scared, frightened, panicked was the moment just before I went under before the operation.  I've had (and still have) fear and worries - those that give you a dull feeling in your stomach or keep you awake at night or gnaw away at your thoughts and occupy your head.  But actual fright came to me yesterday lying on that huge machine that was whirring and whizzing around me, parts of it moving up, down and things I wasn't able to see.  At one point a huge plate of metal with a camera in it,  the size of a cupboard, moved very close to my face and I very nearly panicked totally and got up.  I feel like crying even as I write this and recall the feelings I had back there.

I know I'll get used to this after 33 sessions but this first 'try out' was really freaky and made me cry.  I so do not want to do this.