Bra Lady and Devil Cat

My lovely sister is here and I took the opportunity of going to see the Bra Lady while my sister could come with me.  It was great to have some support frankly.  This lady is reccomended in the Oncology 94 list of useful contacts and as she is in the next town, it seemed convenient too.

So we go up the stairs into her house where she operates 'en salon'.  She was in the middle of another apointment so we sat in the salon/kitchen and got entertained by her Siamese (?) cat who was really weird and bizzare.  This photo taken by my sis sums up the Devil Cat as we renamed him, although I'm sure he loves his owner...

Finally through to see the Bra Lady herself who is surrounded by boxes of bras, false breasts, rails of swimsuits and lacy bras with mirrors all over the place.  I have to say this is a hell of an occupation and must be quite a talking point at dinner parties.  Her card says 'La Specialiste Protheses Mammaires' Lingere féminine, adaptée, maillots de bain et accessoires'.  Her motto (or rallying call) is:

"Femme avant la maladie Femme toujours aprés"

Which is a fine sentiment I feel.  So, top off, after warning her that under absolutely no conditions would I look at my body topless in any of her mirrors, we found a mirror-less spot and she got to work.

I told her what I'd had done and that I was going to have an operation in a year to make it all look better but I just wanted an interim solution and a bra that fitted me and didn't hurt my scars.  She said, 'No, you have to live in the moment, don't live your life hiding away for a year, covering yourself up waiting for the day when the surgeon may be able to make it look better (or not), you need to live now and find your joy and happiness and confidence today not in a year's time.  You have to accept your body, your mind has to accept your body and only from this point can you go forward and go back into the world with confidence.'  Oh.  I hadn't really been seeing it like that so far, just a case of 'getting through' this next year and then starting my life again really.

She then had some fairly harsh words 'for my own good dontcha know' about losing weight - something which I absolutely MUST do so that I can feel better and happier and stop hiding behind my weight and some dietary advice (which seemed to consist of eating vegetables until I was full).  She pointed out, quite rightly, that the problems I had with my body didn't just come with the illness, but had been there for a long time beforehand - something which I had began to touch upon with the psychologist last week.

So she straps me into a lacy bra and showed me the (very large) difference between the size of my breasts - it's considerable - I was surprised not have noticed it hugely as I'd been wearing sports' bras since October.  She then shoved - very deftly - a  prosthesis - a flesh coloured, wobbly, soft 'chicken fillet' in the bra and the size of the breasts were suddenly even.

Then she got on her stepladder and looked for another bra - black, non lacy - and put me in it, with the squashy thing and told me to put my top and show my sister.  I did and she was suitably impressed.  It's true, the shape is better, fuller, the 'breasts' are more even and push out my clothes better so it elongates my stomach so I look less fat on my muffin top and walk taller with less rounded shoulders.

Bra Lady thought I was smiling with joy.  I wasn't, I was smiling so I didn't cry with shame and frustration and shock and horror that I had to wear one of those prosthesis.  When I chose the surgery route I chose, I never expected that I'd have to do that, I expected the breasts to be equal.  I didn't expect the ill breast to reduce in size after the radiotherapy.  I didn't think that I'd have to wait so long for an 'even-ing up' operation.  I did not expect to have to put a fucking jelly in my bra for the foreseeable future.

And it was an expensive jelly - a whopping 215€  (although it does have it's own flesh coloured carrying case - why???  plus the black bra, plus a flesh coloured bra which I ordered and the bill was, well, over one third of my monthly unemployment benefit.  This is what it looks like.  Note the little nipple too (I don't have any nipple lift since the nipple graft, it's just flat with no sensation).

Apparently the Social Security can reimburse part of the cost of the prothesis and I reasoned that what I wanted was a bra or two for the next year.  So that's what I've got.  I still don't know if I've been 'had' by someone who cashes in on womens' insecurities but I don't think so.  I'll have two wearable bras and a look that looks, if not feels, normal.

To be honest, once I can cope with the horror and the shame of it all, I might be able to see the new smoother silhouette which does give me shape and does even me out and means that I can wear t shirts and look ok.  I need a swimsuit too so I'll go back when I do as I'm told and lose some weight.

If you want to know, the prothesis is very soft and warms up with the body so it's like flesh in a way.  I guess they couldn't get any more 'natural'.  It sits in a pocket you can't feel in the bra and not against your skin so you don't feel it on your body.

So, that was my day.  It was a strange day.