Radiotherapy # 29, 4 to go

Still upset about the breast lump/pain thing and dreading Tamoxifen effects (as if I haven't put on enough weight scoffing chocolate and crisps languishing on the sofa feeling knackered and depressed since November - almost entirely my fault but I feel like I've had the stuffing and motivation knocked out of me since the rads started), got up early to be showered and ready for GG at 8h30, rest of the family still sleeping whilst I sobbed in the bathroom.

Was seen quickly, got my timing for the last 4 sessions next week.

Hard to believe that it's nearly all over.

Kine in the morning too, he's still working on getting my shoulders down; I put them up without even knowing it.  I must look into finding and starting a yoga class, I used to love yoga and felt really good and healthy after the sessions.  I'd like to find that feeling again.

Plenty to be grateful for today:

 I'm grateful for a call from my lovely friend in London; it's been a while and she is always very calm and grounds me (apart from suggesting that I sold my handbag collection to solve our financial problems caused by medical bills and my not being able to work - no way ho-se :-), I'm hanging onto my bags!)

and I'm grateful for an unexpected gift in the post from my peachy friend who's been in there right from the start, this book, cute card and these pewter charms with such lovely thoughts behind them (read the card Charms of Wisdom).

I didn't realise that Jennifer Saunders had had breast cancer.  It was a shock to scan the book and see the word 'chemotherapy'.  I'm looking forward to reading it after I've finished all the other books that kind people have gifted to me.

One quotation that jumped out at me is 

"Cancer was like having a job without having to do any work.  Someone else does the planning and you just have to turn up.  Everything is mapped out for you".  I so identified with this and thought, oh yes that's what I've been feeling like.  And the thing is, it's a fuckin' unpaid job too!

What I liked less and didn't want to identify with, however, was her description of taking Tamoxifen

"I had started taking the drug Tamoxifen, which prevents you ever having any oestrogen ever again.  This basically means it plunges you into the menopause in one fell swoop.  It's fairly brutal and you go through all the accompanying side effects: hot flushes, weight gain; a sense of mourning for lost youth, sexiness and somehow the point in anything.  I did become depressed......"

But as my London friend said (and my Mum), side effects don't have to be the same for everyone.  Let's hope so.

What I am looking forward to is reading about Saunders time at school as we were at the same school at the same time - Northwich County Grammar School for Girls with a formidable headmistress, Miss Dines, who had a cane in her office and apparently used it (I was never on the receiving end, glad to say).

And last thing to be grateful for: my well behaved children who sat in the waiting room quietly whilst I was being kine-ed and when I felt shattered this afternoon, I told them I wanted a nap on the sofa, so they covered me with a blanket and found a documentary about sharks on Orange and watched it quietly, whispering to themselves - 'hammerhead, great white, 250kg, protected species' kept wandering in and out of my consciousness.

What is more amazing is that they were banned from the ipad today because they were so naughty yesterday and they didn't even try to play on it whilst I was asleep.  Good lads, I love you so much.