Radiotherapy # 33 last one! And now?

Twas a busy day today.  Blood test to start the day to see the state of my hormones before tamoxifen is prescribed.  I told her to use a baby needle but no, she knows best 'that's no use, I'll just try the big one'.  So she roots around, digs in further and futher (ouch) and then (here's the mirace for today) apologises and says she does need to use the baby needle after all.  Quick in, blood out quick as anything, why oh why don't they listen to me?  I'll be more insistent next time.

As I had eaten nothing, went to Vincennes and had the luxury of a coffee créme and a croissant in a nice bar whilst reading my book.  Then made a few small purchases in the sales.  Lovely and relaxing.

Kids for lunch with their friends.  Not relaxing but nice.

Listening brunette back today.  Spent most of the appointment crying.  I explained that recently every time there's been a nice moment including when I sing the children to sleep every night (one of my favourite moments), I enjoy the moment very briefly and then a voice from the back of my head says  'what would happen if you weren't there, what if you'd died, you wouldn't see that, there would be nobody to sing them to sleep' and the moment is full of fright and sadness.  It wasn't like that before,  I want my special moments of joy back, I want them to be filled with joy and not fear.

The listening brunette said wisely that my children would grow up in any case if I wasn't there so it's something to do with me being I'm frightened of missing those moments (and causing my kids pain by dying of course) but yes, life would go on, just without me.  It's the human condition I suppose.

Then onto the radiotherapy.  I was walking in down the corridor and the radiotherapist reminded me (as if she needed to tell me) that it was my last time.  As usual they were kindness itself and the session went quickly.   I nearly jumped off the bed when it was finished.  I wanted to cry with joy during the treatment.  I thanked all the team there for their kindness and professionalism, wondering how they managed to stay so kind and understanding so consitently.  I'd written them a card so the whole team could read it as the new shift came in tomorrow morning and I gave them a big box of biscuits to say thank you.  Seriously, I have never in my life come across such a fantastic team, although my experience of hospitals is limited, I think they are exceptional.

I saw the doctor for my end of treatment appointment.  She examined me, looked a my blood tests, gave me a ton of prescriptions for further follow up examinations, examined the lumpy right breast and concured that it was scar tissue not cancer but asked me if I wanted an echo of the breast to put my mind at rest, so I said yes.  As she considers that I am not at all menopausal, I have to start Tamoxifen this week and I'd printed an article of the side effects, she took me through them and really put my mind at rest.  I was really grateful.  I have to keep on applying the cream as the effects of the sessions may last for another few weeks.

It seems I am severely lacking Vitamin D so I have a prescription for that, and calcium.  Apparently Vit D is the vitamin you get from sunshine.  I asked if she could do a prescription for a trip to Australia, she said she'd come with me if she could!  I like this doctor.  Her willingness to explain and take me seriously but she is still funny and kind and this puts her in front of my usual oncologist.  I may see her for my check ups instead.

Then, clutching all my results and prescriptions, I took the lift back up to the ground floor after my last session.

At home I drank a botle of pink champagne with dh (we'd been saving it for this day.

Today I am grateful for this whole episode is finished and for the love and care of a dedicated team and for the doctor and even GG, who I'll sort of miss (I gave him a card and present too and he said some very nice things to me about how pleased he'd been to meet me and how nice I was, ahh).

Thank fuck that's all over.

I'll explain the future bit another day.  Back to that champagne now....