Hello

Hello friends.  I say friends because I'm pretty sure this blog is not interesting to anyone other than my friends or family, but if I don't know you, hi!  If I do know you, hi and thanks for visiting.

I've set up this blog because I just found out that I've got breast cancer and I wanted to find a way of expressing my feelings and keeping you in touch with what's going on.

I'm lucky (not because I have cancer, no spin doctor could convince us of this, even Alistair Campbell, really) but because I think I have lots of nice people in my life who give a shit about me and my family and I think they'll be wanting to know how I am and how the treatments are going.  So, instead of repeating stuff again and again and leaving my dh to explain everything again and again, I'm writing it down here.  That way I'll leave the phone conversations for the important news like has it been raining and what did you have for dinner.

To be honest, it's theraputic for me too.  I enjoy writing and it helps to get stuff that's circling around like a bee buzzing in my head.

Warning - I am not going to pull any punches on this blog.  There will be a lot of swearing and negative thoughts.  If you don't like it, don't read it.  It will be honest though and bear with me through the rants and ramblings.  I'm sure they will get worse and then better and then worse......

This is my story so far (and I'm hoping it will be a short story, not becuase I'm going to die soon - which is something that has crossed my mind many times in the last 3 weeks - but because I would really like this to be over ASAP):-

Showering I found a strange lump in my breast.  My breasts are big and sumptous and have always been kinda fibrous.  But this lump was different somehow.  It should not have been there, it was new.

Strangely my sis S had just had a lump scare and I met someone I talk to on the rer in the street the other day and she told me she'd been going through breast cancer treatment so I think those two factors got me to take the lump more seriously.  I am a big one to sweep things under the table - particularly medical or financial stuff.  But I thought I should face this one head on.

So I panicked!  This is France in August.  Everyone is on holiday.  They say that only 50% of the population can afford to go on holiday because of the 'financial crise', but I can tell you the mammogram bods must be earning a packet cos they were all sunning themselves somewhere and definitely not in their offices squeezing breasts and taking photos.

I called 7 places and eventually someone took pity on me and said come right away, I can fit you in in 30 mins.  Being a lazy cow, I was still in my pjs and it took a whirlwind to get me and the kids out in 5 mins and on a well timed bus to the centre.  I didn't even look up the address so my iphone location came in handy, the blue spot got nearer the nearer the red spot and we made it in time.

Any woman will tell you a mammogram is never pleasant and often uncomfortable, so this was done efficiently.  I got a little inkling that all was not well when I heard the dr speaking softly to someone on the phone in the next room and somehow I knew she was speaking about me.

She asked me to come back for an ultrasound asap because my breasts were 'dense'.  I kept saying - but everything's ok isn't it, isn't it?  No answer.

This is when I remembered how the medical profession LIE to you.  They don't want to tell you the bad news so they lie or they expect someone else to do the shitty work and make you cry.  This happened when we had a Downs Syndrome pregnancy.  Nobody would stick their heads above the parapet and tell us the truth.  'Oui madame le nuchal est un petit peu grand mais vous allez voir avec le amnio'.  Putain.

So I just got on with the weekend with mounting anxiety about what might be found on Monday.  Did I tell you that I went to this appointment with my two beautiful shiny golden haired boys?