I spent the night gulping for air, sobbing and afraid. I literally could not breathe. I'm frightened the cancer will not only be there but had spread to my lungs already. We still don't know about this one.
I started meditating again. Meditating, once you've learnt how to, is just like riding a bike - you never forget how to do it. This did calm me a little although I am far from the nirvana out of body experiences I had when I was meditating 15 years ago. It did quiten my fright a little. Thanks TM! To be honest, I quite fancy an out of body experience and the rainbows and bliss that come with it right now. I don't much like the body I've got at this minute.
Mil and kids and dh and I piled in the car. Left mil and kids in the aquarium whilst we went off to do the serious stuff. Would have preferred to be feeling the rays in the tank to feeling the x rays on my breast but there you go.
Mammo done with a brusque woman who kept having to repeat procedures and squeeze harder and harder on my poor breast. Echo done by doctor who was equally long as the first time around clicking, measuring. He was the first person who actually asked me if I had any questions. Not that he had the answers to those particular questions but still, it's nice to get to ask them.
I was just about to put my top back on (note to self, wear loose baggy tops you can get on and off in a flash, you will be showing your tits to everyone all the time, even more than Holly and Kendra in the Playboy Mansion). and doctor casually mentions he'd like me to do a MRI before I have my golden ticket to lie on the magic biopsy machine.
Big fight at the reception to make MRI and biopsy appointments. These women on reception, where do they train them? The Gestapo have nothing on them. A week Friday ok? wtf. NO. Claire makes a little fuss, doctor comes out and orders madam to fit me in this afternoon for the mri and biopsy tomorrow. See lady, you can do it!
Came back to see the kids and mil who had suffered no harm in being left on their own for a couple of hours, quick coffee and back again for the mri.
Was seen really quickly. They are v efficient at this centre. Young kind good looking guy comes up, not much older than my students and tells me to get my kit off but keep my knickers on and put this flimsy navy gown on which doesn't do up at the front. Whaaaaa? And he'll give me a little injection. Waaaaaaa 2? Why? He explains and expertly, painlessly fits me with a thing where you can put needles in to your arm and I have a very very unpleasant experience on the mri table.
I climb on board the table, and have to fit my tits through two holes. Oh the shame of it! I am fitted with earplugs whaaaaaa 3?and for 15 minutes my ears are assulted with very loud sounds, my chest is pressed hard against a flat board so I can't breathe properly, only through my nose. The young boy comes in half way through and injects something into my arm which is immobile above my head, I can't see him as I'm stuck in a tunnel with my face down and then it begins again. Do not move I am told. Some fuckin chance stuck in a tunnel pushed down hard barely able to breathe. I finished up by counting and counting and closing my eyes tightly. It helped to make it pass.
Shaky legs getting down, kind nurse and young boy. Stagger into reception and promptly nearly pass out. Oh the shame of it twice today! Led off to a sideroom by kind nurse and given sugared coffee.
Pay bills, cheerily say 'see you tomorrow' like we were going to have a ball tomorrow. Reach car. Cry.
Refind children and mil. Children have very cleverly manged to get mil to visit FNAC, Apple Store and Toy Shop! Bravo children! They are rewarded with their ingenuity by a big lego kit from a guilty, sad Mum.
Mummy also manages to fit in some outlet shopping 'because I'm worth it' and picks up two Antik Batik pieces for less than 30 Euros. Seriously, they are lovely but the original price of 190€ is pretty steep. Anyway, hi ho it's home we go with my pretty tops and the thought of maybe no breasts to fill them out one day.
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