The Surgeon

No, alas not Derek with his L'Oréal smooth razed baby face skin.  It was another creature entirely.

Pink, he was dressed in pink and his coat had a pink ribbon on it.

Dr C (or Dr Pink)  is small, slight, very serious, intense, clear, firm, soft spoken, deliberate measured movements and no messing with this guy.  Sympathetic yes, but if I was a car, he wouldn't be kissing or stroking me or admiring the colour, he'd be looking underneath to check the mechanics and if the lights were working properly.  I guess this is a good thing in a surgeon. 

We spent 90 mintues with him and he was very thorough, looking over all the exam results and taking notes, asking lots of questions.  Very reassuring that he was weighing it all up.

He told us lots more information about the results and what they meant, which was useful.  There was nothing new but more detail.

He asked me how I found the lump and he said that I had 'le flair'.  I hadn't a clue what that meant so I asked him to explain.   He meant that I had intuition and instinct and that it was not at all easy to have spotted because if it's position and shape.  He congratulated me on finding and acting on it.  I was proud to have looked after myself.

He examined me and did that thing you see on Doctor 90210 (what you don't watch E!TV?) when they put marker pen on your breasts for surgery.  I thought he was going to whip his scalpel out there and then!  He thought the same as Patrice - a partial masectomy or lumpedectomy, something he called a tumorectomie.  He will take away a good 25% of the breast nevertheless,  no sugar coating the news, it will be significantly smaller.  My face must have fell and he just said 'we have to do it, we have no choice'.  Indeed, that's all of us with no choice mate.

I looked at the marks in the mirror.  I was sad.

He will also make a small incision under my arm to take a biopsy of a sentinel or several sentinel lymph nodes to check the cancer hasn't spread, this is the least invasive of lymph node biopsies and we'll have the results 4 days later.  If it has spread, they will have to take a more aggresive approach and if they don't get clear margins on the tumor, again, they will have to resort to a full masectomy if necessary.  They do want to save the breast if they can though.

I'm getting frightened about the day I see this change in my body.  I will scream I'm sure.  I just don't think I'll be able to look in the mirror like I do now.

Surgery is not yet scheduled.  He wanted Friday 13th - are you kidding me?! I was pushing for 10th so that I can fulfill my teaching obligations the following 2 weeks and then it's the start of the school year and if I have to wait until October then I shall go slightly mad (der).  They have a meeting of all the cancer people - oncologists, anethestists, surgeons etc next Tuesday evening so I'll know after that.

I had a chance to ask questions but he'd pretty much answered everything already.  I did ask if it was going to hurt and he said not so much as the breast is not actually very sensitive.  We'll see.

I was disappointed not to have a date so I can start planning.

I should be in the hospital up to 3 or 4 days, not more, which is good news.  I'd like to plan for people ot take the boys to school that week and take them for lunch and maybe have playdates after school so they don't notice I'm not there.

We went to see Patrice afterwards and he noted my scanner results which showed 'pas d'anomalie significative'.  Oh how I was happy to see that.  I took the kids in the morning to get the results and took a peek at them in the loos.  And then I cried a bit.  Théo was teasing me about crying and keeping the floods from coming.  He knew it was for joy and not for sadness.

I said to Patrice I'd been thinking it was all over my body, everywhere, and he laughed and said yes you go into hospital feeling ok and come out realising you have more illnesses than those you came in for!

I have to do a weird thing before the operation - I have to get an injection of dye then another injection just below my nipple (not looking forward to that) of radioactive stuff which dyes the lymph nodes blue so they can be spotted easily.  Ickkkkkk.

I explained my aversion to needles but there was no sympathy coming my way from Dr Pink.  He said all injections will be on the right and reassuring me that they might not be in my elbow but also in my hand - oh the joy.  I explained that my kids have a cream to numb the area beforehand and could I use that?  He said yes we do protect our kids and looked at me as if to say - but you ain't gonna get away with it lady, you are a grown up.  I might sneak a tube of it anyway.....