The results

Was hoping to get them much earlier but my (real) dr thought that 10 days was optimistic.  He was right.  So exactly 2 weeks after the biopsy, he called me on my mobile.  I was looking after the kids by myself that day so I went into the hall and pressed my face against the door so they couldn't hear.

Immediately I was trying to gauge the tone of his voice to know what the news would be.  He was not upbeat, it did not bode well.  I had cancer cells in the biopsy.  I was compus mentus enough to ask for an appointment with him later in the day and then just melted.  I was so disappointed.  I thought he could give me the best gift of my life - news that I was well.  But he couldn't.  It was worse than when you're expecting a certain type of toy for your Birthday when you're young and you think you've given enough hints to yoru parents so they understand exactly what it is you long for.  Then on the day, they give you a different toy - similar but not the exact one you had your heart set on.  All things are relative, when you're young this is a catastrophe. And so I experienced my own little catastrophe in my hallway.

I sobbed loudly and ugly, sunk to the floor.  My kids came racing through, they thought they had hurt myself.  "What's the matter Mummy, what's the matter?"  God, how to explain.  I just said it as it was disappointed by my test results and that I had something growing in my breast that shouldn't be there and that it was called cancer and now we had to make it better, but that I was 'malade' for the moment.

I don't remember much afterwards.  I don't remember calling my dh to give him the news, I don't remember.  I do remember making a list of questions to ask him about the results though from the American Cancer Society website.  It really helped to be armed.

When he came home we went to the doctor's appointment.  I think the dr had come in specifically for me, so I really appreciated that.  He had the test results.  I asked him some of the questions and it seems that there were the two types of cancer - infiltrant and in situ.  The infiltrant was the type I was hoping to avoid - this is the dangerous wandering type.  Both grades are low and the SBR Elston Ellis is on the low side (this was good).  Out of all the samples taken, not all of them were infected so I guessed that was good too. To be honest I did a better analysis of the tests using the internet  when I got home than the doctor.

He was distressed for me, he's known me for 10 yrs, and I know he wanted to do his best.  But I could see he was struggling.  I could hear my kids fighting in the waiting room, I couldn't believe I was here listening to this.  I sobbed.  dh and doctor just looked at me.

The dr got me an appointment with a cancerologue he knew (he was tutouying him, so he knew him well) on Saturday morning, which was great.  The other person who deals with cancer that he knows was, predictably, on holiday.  Marie Curie Institute was constantly engaged with too many calls.  So we went with Patrice, the drs mate as he was attached to a hospital near us.

The dr prescribed some tranquilisers for me for moments of stress and I have to be careful  not to be addicted to them.  I haven't taken any yet but they are there if necessary.  He's also applied for a special Carte Vitale health card which means that all my health related prescriptions and examinations are reimbursed immediately at 100% so I don't need to advance the money nor claim the remainder from my health insurance.  The card will take 3 weeks to come though, so in the meantime I'm subsidising like mad.  My biopsy cost was 250€ alone.  He also prescribed a blood test to ready me for the appointment with the oncologist.  The dr also examined me (yes, getting my breasts out is a 'whatever' now, I have no shame but I still find it humiliating. He thought that it was not so easy and obvious to spot the lump, so I was fortunate to have felt it and acted on it.

We left with a 'bon courage' and a handshake.