Telling your parents of your cancer diagnosis

 

Here's a moving piece from a Dad who describes how it was to discover that his daugher had breast cancer.

http://www.chicagonow.com/when-you-put-it-that-way/2013/10/norman-when-a-father-discovers-his-daughter-has-cancer-123/

My parents aren't journalists and they don't express themselves so publicly and they are not really known for their emotional outpourings. If my Dad phones then it's usually to tell me bad news and on the scarce occasions that he answers the phone, we chat for a bit and he passes my Mum pretty quickly.  He just doesn't like talking on the phone.

I've been talking to my Mum once a week for a few years now, we usually chat for a good 40 minutes and exchange news.  I really enjoy our conversations.  I often turn to my Mum for advice, especially about the children.  In August one of my sisters had a suspect lump in her breast and my Mum was keeping me up to date with the news and the eventual conclusion that it was, thankfully, benign.  This was one of the factors that pushed me to get my breast examined when I felt a strange mass in it.

I told my Mum once I'd had the mammo and kept her up to date with the other tests.  She was resolutely positive during the waiting period for the results of the biopsy, when I was not particularly confident, to the point of annoying me with her positivity.  I suspect she had her reservations but was keeping them to herself.  She called me more often during this time and I was glad of that support.

When the results came in, I waited a day before telling my family.  I wanted to be clearer and less frightened and upset when I called them so I could speak gently without crying.  I called my sisters first, mainly so that one of them could go round and see my parents after I'd called them.  I know she'd cheer them up and say the right things at a time when they would be, most probably, shocked.  My Mum also had a heart attack a few years ago, so I wanted my sister to be there in case Mum was feeling stressed and upset.

So I called and told Mum the news calmly without any pussyfooting around the subject, just a clear unambiguous statement, which much have caused her so much pain and hurt.  It's really hard to bring bad news to your friends and family, bringing all that misery and sadness and worry when they might feel really helpless being so far away.

Later that day, my Dad called me, just to hear my voice and I was very upbeat and jolly,  I think he felt reassured that I was sounding just like myself.



Since then, Mum (and sometimes) even Dad have been calling every few days checking in how things are going.  Cards have been sent, presents have been sent for me and the children and dh to cheer our spirits.

I try to be honest about how I'm feeling, although I might 'filter' it a bit so that it's not too much to hear from afar but my parents know pretty much everything that's going on although I think it's the first time, apart from when breastfeeding, that I've discussed my nipples with my Mum!

I'm only sad that we can't get to UK for Christmas - we do France and UK alternatively for Christmas, although I much prefer UK!   I will still have radiotherapie sessions to do at Christmas and they can't be interrupted.  Also, we would normally buy our tickets in October as they are so expensive for Christmas and we didn't know what was going on at that point so we couldn't book.  So we'll be at home for Christmas, celebrating as a family with any friends who might be around at the time.  I'd be really happy to see my parents, the last time I went to UK was in April for my Mum's 70th Birthday.  Anyway, we'll go next year sometime.

The most heartbreaking thing was a text received from Mum just before my operation saying that she wished it was her going through it and not me and she would gladly do that for me.  Oh how the tears flowed.  There's othing like the love of a mother.

Green Tea Review 4

Yes, 4 weeks out of hospital and 4 packets of green tea consumed!

Today it's Clipper Green Tea with Peppermint

I think I purchased this last time we were in UK from Tesco's, although there are some big supermarkets in France that sell it.

I really like the box - the illustration is homely, graphic and sort of 1950's, in the style that so fashionable in UK at the moment. - I particularly like the two peppermint leaves garnishing the cup of tea.  No mistake what sort of tea this is.    I like the colour of the box too.  The name 'Clipper' is reminiscent of the tea clipper ships with their billowing white sails that sped back to UK with their precious cargo long ago.  Much more romantic than the a plane hold, but maybe more dangerous?

Clipper say about their tea 'Clipper products are made with pure ingredients and a clear conscience, we use not only the highest quality sources, add nothing artificial and strive to improve the welfare of the workers.  No wonder they taste so good .'  I liked the text on the box (which is made from unvarnished, recyclable cardboard) '25 bags of our green tea' which makes things personal as if it's coming from Clipper for us.

I liked this tea.  It did have a bitter taste if the bag was left to steep too long, so beware.  I found it to be a robust green tea and peppermint mix that was warming and refreshing at the same time.  The addition of peppermint makes the taste more interesting and has the added benefit of peppermint being an excellent addition to a tea.

Peppermint has the paradoxical qualities of being both a relaxant and a stimulant at the same time.  It stimulates the circulation and soothes the nerves.  It has stomachic and carminative properties in that it acts as an anti spasmodic, alleviates flatulence and colic, promotes the flow of bile and soothes the lining of the stomach.  It's aromatic qualities are also well known - that fresh air smell makes you feel like you've brushed your teeth or swallowed a breath-freshner tablet when you've drunk this tea.

Packaging- lovely, clear and stylish
Taste - robust and refreshing
Price - can't remember but middle range, not too expensive

+ Taste and addition of peppermint makes it an all purpose refreshing drink.  I liked the unbleached tea bag containing a good quantity of tea, maybe enough for two cups.  Fair trade product.

- Not organic and the silver wrapper holding the tea bags was not recyclable.  No tag on the tea bag, so it has to be fished out with a spoon.  Maybe this is a + for recycling?

What's next?

Waited 90 minutes for the oncologist appointment today.  The only appointment the children had to come to and he was really late.  Then he asks me how I am?  How would he be waiting for a 10h appointment and getting in at 11h30?  Bofffffffff.

The usual get your top off thing came.  There is a problem with the end of the left breast scar where the stitch has come loose and it looks like my flesh is bursting out.  The oncologist firstly brought dh round to look at it, before I had a chance to say 'no he hasn't seen my tits yet' and then took a picture with his phone and sent it to the surgeon asking if he needed to put a stitch in it.  Apart from that, the fact that the right nipple is nowhere near healed doesn't concern him at all because it won't delay the radiotherapie.

So, radiotherapie it is.   I have signed my treatment agreement which amounts to 33 sessions of radiotherapie in sucession (not weekends apparently).  Allowing for sensitive machines that break easily, this could run into 2 months of daily appointments.  I will also have a weekly appointment with the oncologist on Thursday afternoons to check that all is going well and possible xrays because well I don't know why.

The treatement also includes other treatments such as kine, psychologie and an estheticienne.  I don't know what the latter means but when I had a drink with someone I know at Théo's school who has gone through bc, she said that each time she went for radiotherapie she was also allowed to go for a beauty treatment at the hospital so it wasn't like she was going just for the radiation.  I'll be amazed if the local hospital has this facility but we can hope can't we?

The side effects of the treatment are listed as tiredness,  skin irritation,  trouble swallowing and dry throat,  lowering of white blood cell count (so lower immunity? that'll be good in winter won't it?), lowering of red blood cell count (aenemia?)  Can't fucking wait.

The appointment has been made for Bonfire Night 11h30.  I'll have to pass through a scanner (big injection needed for this one), have points tattooed on my body so the machine can be set in the same place each time and bring all my medical records, identity and health card.  They will take about an hour to get me into the correct position that they will use for each session.

I knew that some hospitals don't tattoo you but use a marker pen so I was disappointed to know I had to be tattooed.  The oncologist made a joke about tattoos being all the rage and I said that I had enough reminders of this cancer let alone being tattooed thank you very much.  See, I was in a really bad mood.

There are some precautions, eg, not to expose the area to sun for a year (I don't plan on doing any topless bathing for the rest of my life so that's ok).

It's all very humdrum for this guy I'm sure.  Nothing to worry about, everyday stuff.  I am nervous about it and was hoping for a short relief between healing from the operation and the onset of more side effects and more treatments.  It all feels relentless and I have sort of lost my will to fight and ask questions - I just couldn't be bothered, I'm like 'whatever'.  I had this long list but I couldn't be bothered to ask them.  I feel worn down both in spirit and physically.  I am no longer that aresey girl with big tits and an attitude to match, feeling good about herself who walked in smiling and joking two months ago, questioning and giving back as good as she got.  At what point did I lose her?

I did ask if this course would stop the cancer from coming back.  He reckons it lowers the chance of it coming back from 30% down to 5%, and if there are any cells they didn't take in the operation, it will kill those.

I know I have to do this but I really really don't want to.  I feel tired of this neverending life of tests and hospitals.  I know, I'm moaning but I genuinely feel just all hospitalled out right now and I don't see how I'm going to get the strength to get on and through this.  I will, I have to but I'm not sure how. 

Oh yes, I also have to have a scintigraphie osseuse to check that there is no cancer in my bones or any metasis.  Yet another radioactive injection to come....This was in answer to one of the questions I did ask, whether there should be any more tests to check that there is no cancer anywhere else and I felt it was like 'oh ok, go and do this, just to check, put your mind at rest love'.  Maybe it will put my mind at rest, let's hope so.

10 myths about bc survivorship

http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/avon_foundation_breast_center/treatments_services/survivor_care/myths.html

Interesting esp about deodorant, organic food and lymphedema and weightlifting (all the exercises to get rid of muffin tops suggest light weightraining will help but I'll be avoiding that for a moment now)

4 weeks post operative

It's now four weeks since my operation.  It feels like it was a million years ago but all so clear in my mind, like I was another person or in another life walking into that hospital on a beautiful sunny day.

What is it like 4 weeks after?  The scars under my breasts have completely healed; they still feel very raised when I touch them but all the stitches are out and they have, apparently, healed well.  They are not painful.

The left nipple graft has very nearly healed up.  The scar below from nipple to under breast is still weeping and bleeding a little.

The right nipple is still a mess of yellow, white and pink which weeps and bleeds every day.  The hole dug out by the surgeon does seem to be filling with flesh in though. 

My left arm is painful all the way down into my fingers and wrists and aches, especially my wrist, most of the time, especially when I try to stretch it out.  I have full movement in the arm, although it's painful in the shoulder when it moves.  The lymph node scar aches and stings still.

Daily care of the scars is a daily visit from the nurse to scratch at the right nipple and an application of Vaseline on the scars every night. I'm still wearing a tubi-fast around my upper body and the surgical bra over it.  This is annoying as I have to choose clothes with a high neck and loose ones so not to show the bandages and to show the outline of the bra, which is pretty bulky.

I've still not looked at my breasts, nor let dh look and still don't want to.  My spare tyre and stomach are still much bigger than my flat chest despite my attempts to eat healthily.  I've started doing 200 steps on my stepper every day but the effect will be subtle and long to come I expect.

I sleep on my own still as I have to sleep lying on my back with my arms out.  I've been trying to sleep on my right side but it's not very comfortable still and the advice is not to sleep on the left side as it may cause lympedema, which can arrive several weeks after the operation and can cause a permanently swollen arm.

http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/physicalsideeffects/lymphedema/whateverywomanwithbreastcancershouldknow/lymphedema-what-every-woman-with-breast-cancer-should-know-toc

Physically I'm much more active and can do most things in the house apart from lifting heavy things like the vaccuum cleaner or stretching up and I've taken public transport no problem.  I am tired very quickly and need to sit down frequently and sleep during the day most days.

Psychologically I am pretty much all over the place.  Everyone who sees me says I look great, they don't notice my body thing and it's as if I'm normal.  What they don't see is my chronic lack of confidence which seems to be increasing, my fear, my sadness, my frustration, my anger, my confusion, forgetfulness.  I don't like being in busy places and I'm scared someone will bump into me and hurt me.  I have mood swings and teariness and no matter how hard I try to overcome this, I'm not very successful.

That's what it's like for me 4 weeks later.

Etincelle

Is an association specifically aimed at younger women who are going through breast cancer.  It's based quite far from us so we all set out on Sat morning for my introductory interview there.  The association is housed in a Psycho-Medico Centre in a lovely old building with a small square with a fountain next to it.

 

http://www.etincelle.asso.fr/

We all bundled into the waiting light, modern waiting area and were offered a warm welcome and a coffee and biscuits (although Loic was quick off the mark and took one before he was offered).  dh took the kids to play outside and explore the area whilst I spoke to the person welcoming me so she could orient me towards the best events and resources for my needs.  I spoke about my history, the family, my fears etc.  It was more like talking to a friend than a professional, but someone who knew what it was all about because she'd passed through the same thing (and more it seems, she's been having treatment for 6 years now), and it felt good and I was free to speak without feeling judged or psychoanalysed.  The main thing that came out of this is the issue that has floored me - my appearance and inability to look at what serves as my new breasts.

One thing that I hadn't expressed to anyone because it sounded really stupid is that I was not expecting for the surgeon to get all the cancer out in the operation (because he'd already said it would be a game of poker as to whether he could or not so I was preparing myself for him not to succeed) and when he said it was successful, I was really surprised in a good way mainly but part of me thought 'oh shit i'm going to have to live with these tits for well over a year now as there will be radiation to follow and a reconstruction in 15 months'.  If it wasn't all gone, I would have been up for a mastectomy in December and probably an immediate reconstruction of both breasts and no radiation.  This had been niggling at me because a) which idiot doesn't want the cancer removed first go and how could I possibly tell anyone about this reservation?  and b) Maybe the breasts couldn't have been reconstructed immediately anyway.  (NB I was nothing but overjoyed about the lymph nodes being negative, this was truly Great News.)

I was immediately disabused of my idea.  Apparently the reconstruction would have probably been hard to touch with a big scar running across the new breast and not anywhere near as natural looking or feeling as the reconstruction technique which will be offered to me in 15 months time.  This sort of relieved me because then I could really see that my result was the best best best thing.  And she gave me a booklet 'understanding radiation' which has helped me a lot.

I was left to quietly look at some relevant articles in the waiting area and the person who welcomed me beckoned me into a treatment room and said the eqivilant of 'well I don't do this for everyone but do you want to see my breast?'  So she showed me her reconstruction and in return I showed her what I was so upset about.  She got why but said she was jealous of my large, long scars which run underneath the breasts instead of across like hers.  When the breast tissue stretches in about a year, the scars should be covered.  I wanted to hug her for her generosity of spirit.  She has made a real difference now I have that issue cleared up for me and have met someone so brave and kind and it was good to 'share' my breasts with another woman and not in the medical arena.

The activities offered are psychologist, tai chi (good grief I would never have done this 'before' but maybe I will now?) reiki, reflexology, yoga, beauty treatments, sophrologie, support groups for patients and separately, families, massage, salsa (again, good grief!) and art therapy.

I'm going to try to fit some of these into my schedule once the radiation schedule is sorted.  What a great association run by dynamic people.  Thank goodness it exists.

Théo asked me why I needed to speak to someone and I said because my body had changed and I was sad about it.  He said, in a surprised voice, looking at me  up and down with a sideways glance, 'ah bon, your body has changed?'  I guess he just sees his Mum and that's all, so that's a good thing isn't it?

Crying today

Why do I keep crying today?  Every little thing sets me off.  What's going on?

The Etincelle person said that once the surgery is over, often emotions start spilling out because when you're in the intense process of appointments, receiving news, having treatement, getting well we sort of 'hunker down' and get on with it but once a particular stage is over, we become aware of what we've just done and we have time to think and process it all in the less busy, quiet times (like now actually).  Maybe it's that.  Pass the tissues!  And my tip for today - never ever dry your eyes with menthol inpregnated paper tissues....ouch.

Welcome back Mummy!

Théo made this sign for the front door to greet me when I came back from hospital.  It was the best thing to see in the world, apart from my kids' smiling faces.  I can't bring myself to take it down because it makes me feel loved and happy and welcome when I trudge back from a hospital dr/psychologist etc appointment.  It might be even more happy when I come back from the radiation sessions.  That's why I'm keeping it up.  dh thinks I should take it down.  What do you think?

Throwing away Bras

This weekend, I threw away 4 bras that I'd forgotten I had.  I'd already thrown away one that had been stained by the marker pens of the surgeon and another that I went into the hospital with I left in the bin at the hospital.  Yesterday I couldn't bring myself to throw this favourite one though. WhatthefuckamIgoingtodowithit?  I'm never going to be this size again.

Pinkwashing

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/leisha-davisonyasol/october-pinkwashing_b_4102424.html

Here's a new phenomen - pinkwashing.  It's Pink October, you probably haven't managed  not to notice.  It's been a bit weird for me, being so close to my operation and all the after-effects, and having millions of people doing stuff for breast cancer at the same time and seeing all the pink products in the shops, although I'm not well enough to go into Paris to see if the department stores have stocked up on pink products.

I think it's great that people are willing to get sponsors and run to raise money for cancer (not sure about getting your breasts out to 'support' cancer though, I just don't get it that flaunting the things that I have lost are going to make me feel better) and have coffee mornings and stuff and I absolutely support the idea that people are more aware of breast cancer, that bc is less of a taboo to talk about, that women might be more likely to check their breasts or have a mammogram whilst they're being bombarded with pink.  This is a brilliant effect of Pink October. 

I think it's a little more suspect that companies are getting on the bandwagon sometimes not giving any of the profits whatsoever to research or bc organisations and just getting us to salve our consciences with a 'pink purchase'.

So, check where the profits are going before you buy if you want to buy.  I admit that I did buy some Essie pink nail varnish last October because some of the profits went to bc research, but I didn't check which organisation.

If you want to do something more directly, send a donation to a cancer charity.  I remember when my Grandma died of breast cancer, my Mum asked for no flowers but for people to donate to Macmillan Cancer.  Or, if you really want to help, volunteer for a local organisation or hospital that helps cancer patients directly - I wonder about delivering a small care package to give to someone who is encountering a bc related surgery, or even better, do what my lovely friends are doing - bring a meal round to a neigbour, or a box of green tea, an old paperback, a DVD, today's newspaper, a plant or a bunch of flowers or some chocolates if you don't know them very well or something for their children, offer to take them to an appointment, look after their children, do some small shopping for them, do their ironing.  That is truly helping with the cause of breast cancer, I promise.

In that vein, I thank the lovely B who has ironed a big bag of ironing for us and tonight brought round a deelish quiche and a supper for us.  She even went to the trouble of stiching up a pair of Théo's shorts that needed mending and were accidently put in the ironing pile.

If you're thinking of donating and you're in France, I could only reccomend, so far,

étincelle - www.etincelle.asso.fr because I had a great experience with them on Saturday (I will blog about this later)

or La Ligue nationale contre le concer - www.ligue-cancer.net because they produce really great, informative booklets telling you all you need to know about all the aspects of cancer.  I received a useful one 'comprendre la radiothérapie' on Saturday

And in UK

Breast Cancer Care or Macmillan for their informative web site and fabulous helplines

I found the picture accompanying the article shocking.  This poor girl has evidently had chemo because her head is shaved, maybe to shrink the tumour before the operation.  Double mastectomy, how shocking for her, and I was chilled to hear that her lymph nodes had exploded because they had been invaded so much by the cancer - what a horrible image to imagine.  The bottles she has are drains fixed in her back to evacuate her wounds.  They are unpleasant and annoying and hurt when they come out.  Her plight makes me glad for my current situation.

Apologies to any FB friends who have already read the article.

Green Tea Review 3

Kusmi Tea Detox: Delicious blend of maté green tea and lemon grass, perfect for the body and mind, 20 muslin tea bags

Kusmi Tea is the absolutely most hip, trendy, branché tea in Paris right now, and has been for a few years although the company has existed since 1867.  The packaging is what does it - super cool, fresh gorgeous colours for each different tea, hippy, Indian type graphic images, sumptous traditional label.  This tea is in all the hip places and billed to tourists as something to take home as a souvenir.  It's presented in small boxes, very small boxes, small cute round tins and large cute round tins.  No hip household should be without a selection looking good in the kitchen.

Well, my household evidently isn't hip as we had only one tin of their Love Tea received in a goody bag after a trendy party and I threw it out because actually I didn't like it.

So I wondered when I received a wonderful care package from an American friend, who has her finger on the pulse, it has to be said, and in this thoughtful gift was a box of Kusmi Detox Tea in a vibrant deep peppermint coloured box.  I expected that it might be like the Love Tea, a bit strong, not much flavour (I hoped it wasn't), I expected it would taste the same as the other cheaper brands and was all about the publicity.  I didn't expect it to live up to the hype.

But, dear readers, it DID live up to it's reputation for popularity.  It was thoroughly delicious, light, refreshing, almost like sipping nectar.  The tea bag never outstayed it's welcome no matter how long it was steeped for as the tea never became bitter or unpleasant tasting.  I could not stop drinking this delicate blend, I could have drunk it all day and sometimes did.  And now it's all gone:-(  The lemon grass sometimes tasted curious, slightly like garlic, strangely enough, but not always (mabye it was to do with what I'd already eaten).  The tea is, like it says on the label, a delicious blend of maté, green tea and lemon grass.  The blend is perfect, not too strong and just so refreshingly slightly zingy on the tongue.  

If you're not converted to a green tea habit and think it's a good thing, splash out and try this one, it may convince you!

And the pleasure of looking at the pretty box and feeling the springy string attached to the pretty tag attached to the luxurious muslin tea bag, where you can see the generous helping of tea.  It's almost a sensual pleasure to use this tea.

Packaging - gorgeous, a pleasure to look at
Taste - best so far
Price - oups, here's the glich 11,80€ for 20 bags

+ taste, packaging, pleasure to use
- the price and it's not organic, little plastic bag holding tea bags could maybe have been more ecologically friendly - in brown paper maybe

Going out

I managed to get out twice this week - Miss Texas and I shared a v enjoyable tête à tête in a local resto - much nicer than our usual venues of late - waiting rooms, radioactive medicine centres etc.

And I finally got back on the RER for a night out with the Scottish bird and English Rose.  We saw a touching film 'TS Spivet' in 3D - yes 3D for adults, last time I saw a 3D film it was Happy Feet 3 or suchlike.  It was a beautifully shot piece showing some lovely scenery.  I managed to find an outfit (a cardigan) that covered my breasts over a matching tunic jumper so I felt ok and after our meal at Cour St Emillion outside (so I could keep my cardigan on), it was all dark in the cinema so that was fine too.  I felt fragile on the train, particularly as the RER return service stopped due to a suspect package and I had to walk quite far to catch another metro so I was hurting by the time I arrived at the metro.  There werene't any spare seats and asked outright for a seat on the crowded metro.  I just stood there and said I felt unwell, please could I have a seat and a kind woman stood up (the men didn't budge btw).

It was good to feel part of the world again and good to be out there.

Soup and surgeons

Today an absolutely delicious vegetarian soup arrived with an interesting looking lentil, tomato and veg pasta sauce which I'm keen to try out.  Such a sweet lady arrived with it all neatly labelled and tucked in a neat thermos bag so the food was still warm, even though she'd taken the trouble to come on public transport.  Together with a still hot wholewheat, cereal baguette, lunch was very filling and delicious.  She also gave me a kind gift of organic real green tea leaves with jasmine, which I'll be pleased (I feel a review coming on) and a bonus of real strong cheddar cheese, which I miss a lot!  Waaay, thank you so much.

Meeting with the surgeon this afternoon.  I had a dilemna that Z advised me on.  I never feel I have the time to ask questions because I go in the treatment room, take off my kit and lie on the bed then the surgeon comes, instructs the nurse, gets a bit of work done on me himself and goes to the adjoining room so I feel a) vulnerable lying down and half naked and b) like I don't want to bother him with questions once he has a scalpel on my nipple, I'd rather he concentrated frankly.

So Z and I concocted a tactic which included hanging on to my t shirt and trying to stand up or at least sit up.  In the end it wasn't necessary.  I was the last of the patients to be treated (I waited about 10 mins, not long mind) and I had the dr all to myself in the treatment room.

He told me that the Commission had sat on Tuesday night and had approved his and the oncologist's reccommendations that I follow a course of radiation.  However, the surgeon had asked that it start in one month's time because of the problems with my healing and my nipples.  That's a bit of a bummer because the radiation will be 25 treatments and could last from 6 - 8 weeks and that will take me over the Christmas period so we won't be able to come home for Christmas and it just makes everything a lot longer.  Remember that I can only have my breast augmentation one year after the radiation stops, so this makes it all that much longer to wait for.

Still, it's radiation that I'm waiting for not chemo.  Gotta appreciate that.  Apparently it will be over the whole surface of the breast and the breast may become red and hard at first.  Can't bloody wait.

The previous surgeon that was initially going to operate had apparently been asking for news of me, which I was touched by.

The treatment today involved the nurse on one side looking after the left graft, tugging and pulling and cutting out the stitches around the nipple. Simultaneously the surgeon was doing his usual  dig into my right nipple taking out the dead skin.  He managed to hit living skin (he knows that because I have a tendancy to say 'owwww' quite loudly when that happens) and he worked on other skin that had no feeling and was dead.  I bled a lot and had to take pain killers afterwards.  The nipple now has exposed glands and looks yellow and bloody.  The good news is that I don't have to return for more torture for two weeks.  (Although the nurse will continue the good work but they are considerably more gentle).

I asked my questions before I had to get undressed so that was excellent.  In 15 days I can take this horrible surgical bra off and wear what I want on my breasts.  That will be another thing........bra buying.

The surgeon and the nurse were absolutely lovely today.  The nurse stayed longer and asked me how I was.  I said I was having difficulties coping with the situation, she thought I'd been hiding it well as I was always cheerful and talkative.  I said it wasn't worth crying the whole time was it?  We had a long talk about the effects of the surgery and the possible augmentation in a year's time.  It was a satisfying rdv.

Rose Magazine

My Little Paris offered this App on the iphone this week.  It's a trendy cancer online magazine which is really informative, it really 'spoke' to me.  I got loads of information from it including a very informative article about radiation therapy with stuff that I hadn't read anywhere else, and I never knew that Claudia Tagbo who takes part in a programme that we love, 'Vendredi, Tout est Permis' has had breast cancer too.  She is absolutely wild and mad and she's on national tv leaping around, she's really funny.  Good for her.  How gorgeous is she?  There's fashion advice, make up advice and also a section for work where you can put your CV on line and employers are (apparently) trying to employ women who have had breast cancer - positive discrimination.  I'll believe that when I see it but maybe I'll leave my CV anyway.  I'm looking forward to the next issue already!

http://www.rosemagazine.fr/

Ateliers in cancer house

Yesterday I had a meditation and relaxation session at the house of cancer.  I was very late.  I tried on loads of outfits but couldn't find something that looked even half ok, it was very frustrating and upsetting.  Anyway, I got there late and joined in the last half hour.  The organiser was a very calm looking man (as he should be).  We meditated, which I'm used to after my TM experiences in UK and we did the meditation walk.  That was a bit weird - pacing around the room and then we paced around the garden.  To be honest, after I got over the weirdness of it, it was peaceful.  It was good to feel the sun on my face and to relax, not have to think about anything.

In the afternoon I had a reiki foot massage which was very pleasant, not relaxing particularly, but my nipples were tingling all the way home so it must have had some effect.  I asked him to focus on drainage as my left arm, hand and shoulder are still less sensitive than the right. 

The most interesting thing was sitting around in the kitchen waiting for the therapist to arrive with the other participants.  Evidently they were/had been all going through chemotherapy.  They were talking about their hair falling out.  Some of them lost their hair completely and decided to shave their head, others didn't lose their hair at all (a woman with very long, thick hair).  They agreed that this horrible side effect was 'pas juste' - not fair and all of them were pretty annoyed about it.  I was pleased to see I was not the only person who was annoyed at the treatment.

I have to say that I find the house of cancer pretty depressing - but I think it's important for me to do stuff during the day, to try to find something that helps me through - relaxation etc and to meet other people going through cancer treatement, especially when I'll be doing my radiation treatment.  The woman on the reception is very kind and the LB saw me there, so she knows I'm making an effort.

I don't know if this is related or not but today I suddenly felt really grateful that I am here to be with my children and in my house, in my street and that the operation is over and the results are ok.  I had this rush of gratefullness and I held Loic very tightly (well as tightly as I could).  I think that possibly I've been in shock and that I'm coming out of it, realising that I can and will live.  It doesn't mean there are no problems, I expect the radiation will knock me back again, and the nurse had a good old scrape of my nipples this morning which are still very damaged and unhealed and the breast and body issues remain.  Maybe it's the fact that I can walk a bit further and do some small shopping for myself, I'm feeling more independent, I don't know.  I also felt exhausted this afternoon and slept for 3 hours, which is weird as I went to bed really early last night.  I think, again, it's all a manifestation of the stress which is finally coming out of my body now I'm not on 'alert' or on the edge of my seat waiting for results any longer. or waiting for painful treatment to come.  It's been 3 weeks today since the operation.  Mabye it takes that long to finally breathe again?

Useful breast cancer addresses and web sites

It's pink October, Breast Cancer Awareness month.  I picked up a leaflet  in the chemist which was quite informative regarding breast cancer treatments and there were some useful addresses on the back which I'll share with you.

Vivre comme Avant
14 rue Corvisant
75013 Paris
01.53.55.25.26
www.vivrecommeavant.fr

Ligue Contre Le Cancer
14 rue Corvisant
75013 Paris
01.53.55.24.00
Support, help, advice, listening 0 810 111 101
www.ligue-cancer.net
Committees in every Départment in France
The Ligue produces an excellent thick booklet about breast cancer 'Comprendre le Cancer du Sein' and I've found it really comprehensive and useful

Europe Donna France
14 rue Corvisant
75013 Paris
01.44.30.07.66
www.europadonna.fr

Etincelle
27 bis avenue Victor Cresson
92130 Issy-le-Moulineaux
01.44.30.03.03
www.etincelle.asso.fr
Present in Ile de France, Normandie, Languedoc-Roussillon

L'institut national du cancer
www.e-cancer.fr/cancer-du-sein

I'm going to have my introductory interview with Etincelle this weekend.  They are primarily concerned with helping women with cancer feel better about their appearance and offer make up, hair, nail sessions plus psychological support.  I'm hoping they'll be able to offer me some help to feel better about how I look.

If you're experiencing breast cancer in France (I'm very sorry if you are) or if you know someone who is, then maybe these addresses will give you a head start in seeking information, assistance and support.  Best of luck.

Cancer is a full time job!

Busy day today.

I took the children to school for the first time in 3 weeks.  It was nice to do something normal and to pass by the familiar faces dashing to get to the door in time.

Then off to see the oncologist and a long wait.  Thank god for the trashy mags I'd been given.  It was odd sitting in the waiting room with all the other cancer patients, some alone, some with all their family present.  The oncologist was in a rush, he had a busy day.  I didn't feel like I could ask any questions this time but I have a proper mtg with him in 2 weeks when we'll finalise the next step.  He is 99% sure it will be a course of radiation and then hormonetherapie (drugs).  The final decision depends on the Commission that sit tomorrow night.   I have to call him on Saturday to find out what they decided.

I have the full results of the operation biopsy now and it seems that the surgeon had taken two sentinel nodes, I thought it was only one.  In any case, both were 'libres' meaning non cancerous I assume.  The level of my cancer is Stage One T3

T is the primary tumour and 3 indicates the size of the tumour, on a scale of 1 - 4 (so it was pretty big on the scale).  Here's an explanation on how breast cancer is staged (classified).  I noticed that T4, the next step is a cancer growing into the chest cavity or skin.  That is scary knowing that the next step was the cancer invading my body.  I feel very lucky to have discovered it when I did.  We came close.

http://www.cancer.org/cancer/breastcancer/detailedguide/breast-cancer-staging

I have another prescription for pain killers as I still need them.  I was a bit horrified that I had to take off my top and show my breasts and felt very self conscious as I'd talked to Patrice before about having large breasts and he had seen and examined me before.  He was discreet enough not to make a comment on the change in them thank goodness, it would have floored me.

He thinks radiation can start in 2 - 3 weeks depending on how I heal up.

A nurse came into his office when he was finishing the consultation and he said 'oh you won't have the pleasure of meeting Hayley because you won't be doing chemo'.  I said well that would have been nice but in all honesty, I'm pretty glad I'm not getting to know her better.  She agreed.

There was one lady in the waiting room who was evidently very ill.  The secretary had to bring her a painkiller and this poor lady was burping and coughing.  She then lay down on the chairs and went to sleep.  When I came out of the office, she was waiting outside.  I think she was going to get to know Hayley.  I felt very sad for her.

Luminous Lisa brought some more delicious soup and yogurtt and kindly took me to sort out a problem at the unemployment benefit office.

Just before we left, the nurse arrived (I'd forgotten about her) and noticed that the wound on my back was very swollen and full of liquid and  and some of the scar was open and other bits hard.  She strongly suggested I spoke to the surgeon about it, today.  It is starting to cause me problems in moving my arm, it's becoming less and less mobile and more painful.

I called him and was told to come immediately so we did a dash in the car after asking a friend to pick up the children from school, hoping they wouldn't be too upset that we weren't there.

I was seen immediately (very impressed) and the surgeon and a nurse looked at the problem.  They didn't think there was a problem, they said it was normal and it would go away gradually.  He said that, however, he would take the opportunity to clean up my nipples whilst I was there though.  Oh shit!  So he attacked me with a scalpel, once again gouging out the dead skin.  On the right nipple I could feel the scalpel very clearly and it *really* hurt.  He apologised and said it was a good thing because he was hitting skin with nerve endings.  On the left nipple, it begain bleeding copiously when he cut it which again was a good sign apparently because it means that blood vessels are starting to link to the nipple graft.  So I left with good news but bloody and very sore nipples, they are aching as I write.  The car journey home was hell with all the bumping.  Double dose of pain killers tonight I think.

Green Tea Review 2

Monoprix Thé Vert aromatisé à la menthe, 25 teabags

Lovely green box with very attractive graphics - I love Monoprix products since they have redesigned their image

I find mint tea very refreshing so I thought this would be a ideal combination.  However, I didn't take to this tea.  No matter how little the tea bag is steeped, there is always a dry, sightly too strong flavour to this tea.  If the tea bag is left too long the tea is so strong it is undrinkable (to my taste).

Packaging: Lovely green box with very attractive graphics - I love the look of every Monoprix product - they have a very strong graphic image.
Tea bags: There are 25 tea bags individually wrapped in clear plastic bags.
Price: 1,19€

+ not expensive, love the box, mint and green tea is a good mixture, tea bag tab holds teabag in place whilst in cup
- too strong for my taste, with a slightly bitter, dry taste no matter how long it's steeped for, plastic wrapping around the tea bag can't be very ecological

So this was not my favourite at all so far.

A good Sunday

What was a pretty awful start to the we ended up as a pretty good end to it.

I was up until 4am thinking, crying, mourning this morning.  Maybe this is tmi but I was thinking about sexual encounters I've had in my life where my breasts played a starring role - and there have been quite some!  (I didn't mean to go that way but one jumped into my head and then others followed).  I was bereft to realise that this was in the past and wouldn't be repeated.  Maybe it's important to remember, though, and say goodbye and to move on the best I can, maybe I can't move on without being sad first.  Here's a thoughtful blog post.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/08/27/9-reasons-its-time-to-move-on/

Anyway, back to the daylight hours of Sunday.....

Friends in our road had offered to take both children for lunch and for the afternoon so we were blissfully free and calm this afternoon after homework stress this morning.  This was already an excellent thing.  Then a lovely visitor with a chicken and delicious organic veg and books, DVD and a great card in hand came through the door.  It was so nice to chat and share a green tea - the posh Kusmi detox one.

We had to get some more compresses as the nurse is running low so we went off to the pharmacie open in a nearby town to get some and dropped in on some friends who lived nearby for a coffee.  One of these friends asked dh for my number so she could call but she said she didn't call because she simply didn't know what to say and how she might find me.  She found it much easier to see me in person so she could see I was still me and I was the same person and not some pale shadow suffering in bed or on the sofa.

If I have any advice for you if you are hesitating about contacting someone you like who is ill,  I would say don't call because you don't know what state they will be in, probably simply delighted to hear from you but you never know and it's scary for the person calling because you don't know.

I would send them a text or an email or a card telling them that you are thinking of them.  If you want to open a conversation with them, tell them to call you, remind them of your number and they will call if they want to but it's equally just fine to let that person know they are in your thoughts.  It means A LOT.  Don't be scared.  It's worse when you do nothing.

Then another kind heart came through our door with books and chocolate cookies and fajitas and lots of love, all the way from Paris.  It is just so fantastic to speak to these generous, wonderful, sweet, thoughful friends.  The kindness today touched me (and my dh) to tears.  Not just today but the cumulation of the kindness that's been coming our way from all over.

I know my posts are not always cheerful or upbeat and I hope that nobody who has shown me such kindness feels that their efforst were for nothing.  I think it's normal to feel a lot of the stuff I'm feeling and If you had not been there to pick me up I would have disappeared through the cracks already, so thank you for keeping my head above water.

Out of the house

I took my first ride alone on public transport on Friday, to the meeting with the Listening Blonde.  It was fine.  I felt fragile and still feel weepy so I'm glad I didn't come across any difficult situations that so easily arise when living in a busy city where people can be quite rude and mean.

The LB is much better in person than on the phone it has to be said.  She actually smiles and it's easier to talk to her.

She let me talk and she also talked a bit about the long term effects of cancer and how it's life-changing and I'll never be the same.  She didn't give me a hard time about looking at my ugly breasts, in fact she didn't talk about it.  I explained how destroyed I am that I have not one single item of clothing that looks anywhere near not bizzare on me in my wardrobe.  She advised me to use a handbag that went over my chest rather than on my shoulder.  I talked about a meal I'm going to with my friends this week and how I'm scared about how I'll look and how I can't find anything that looks ok on me.  She suggested wearing scarves and brooches to take the eye elsewhere.  Being as I'm not the Queen, I don't think a brooch is quite my look but I do have millions of scarves so I'm going to experiement with them.  She suggested planning my clothes well in advance.

I also went out for a sushi with the children and dh today then on to Decathlon for winter coat and flipper purchases for the kids not me (although I would relish an opportunity where I was required to wear flippers right now - maybe jumping off a jetty into a warm blue sea and swimming with the dolphins, yes I can dream).  I enjoyed the meal a lot but I had a lot of pain after sitting so long and my breasts hurt intensely at Decathlon and started oozing yellow liquid, in the end I couldn't walk I was in so much pain.  I was so glad to get home and slept for 2 hours afterwards.

Cancer has changed my life for the better NOT!

I'm still kicking against 'cancer changed me life for the better' - the LB told me someone had expressed this very eloquently in one of the group meetings.  I wanted to say 'you know how cancer has changed my life?'

- it's made me frightened of hugging my children in case I hurt myself
- it means I can't bend down to kiss them goodnight in their beds
- it's given me a complex and made me terrified about going out of the house
- it's made me scared of meeting people I know
- it's made a whole wardrobe of lovely clothes redundant
- it's taken away my self confidence
- it makes me put out my arms to protect myself when anyone comes near me in case I get hurt
- it's made me frightened full stop
- it's taken away my belief that I'm a lucky person
- it's taken away any hope of a sex life or of feeling sexy in future
- it makes me cry every single day
- it's frightened my family and friends
- it has made me bitter and angry

So, you see I'm quite far off the radar of the serene, tranquil, self caring, better person. 

After effects of surgery

I didn't want to taint my good news post with moaning.  In fact I know some of you will be saying to yourselves (and someone did say it to me)  'ok the cancer's gone will you just stop complaining about your tits now?'  I understand a reaction like that because the goal of the op was to get the cancer out and check whether it has spread and good news is great news and if the goal is reached then the rest of the 'stuff' surrounding it is just stuff and a bit of moaning yeah?  Well, if you think that, please stop reading and let's leave this thing  finishing on a high note, ok, be glad for me, I'm cured, the cancer is gone, all is well.

However, it is, for all of you who are continuing to read, most definitely NOT the end of the story neither psychologically nor physically.  This cancer thing drags on and its effects are life lasting.  This is what you either don't realise or don't want to accept when you're first diagnosed.  You break a leg, it gets fixed, all is well.  Unfortunately, as I'm realising more and more, this is not the case with cancer and I am not ready to accept it yet but I will have to.

The surgery is still causing havoc.  My right nipple (the good one) has a necrosis (the skin has died on it due to lack of blood supply) so the skin has gone black.  I tried to save it by massaging the flesh around it frequently in the hospital as the surgeon spotted it as a potential problem straight away.  So, it didn't work and the surgeon spent some time during our appointment digging into my nipple to scrape away the dead black skin.  It was painful and quite disgusting.  You know it's gross when both the surgeon and the nurse say 'don't look, don't look'.  My nipple has the appearance of a crater now with a pretty deep hole in it and it bled a lot afterwards.  I felt quite ill after the appoinment and had to lie down for a bit.

During the appointment some stitches were taken out below the breasts, not all but I believe it's a gradual process so as not to put too much pressure on the newly healed skin.  It didn't hurt when they were taken out.  Slightly terrifying with a nurse wielding a scalpel near your breasts, so it's better if you don't look at that either.

She also took out the non dissolvable stitches on the grafted left nipple which has begun to bleed and ooze yellow liquid.  I'm told this is lymph and not pus and apparently this is an ok thing.

I'm still bruised and have below the surface bruises which are causing swelling and pain.  Below my breasts feels like I am on fire at the end of the day and it feels like someone is pricking me with pins on my nipples plus I have sharp pains and aches in my breasts from time to time.  I am constantly aware of my breasts and chest.

Good news

I saw the surgeon on Thursday.  He told me some good news - that the lymph node taken had tested negative for cancer and that the tumor he had taken out was 7cm with a 2cm margin around it which is clear of cancer cells, thus, as far as he's concerned he took all the cancer out.

This is truly good news.  I'm particularly relieved and oh so very grateful about the lymph node as if that hadn't been negative, it would have necessitated a much different treatment and would have moved the cancer up a stage - this is when it becomes really serious.

So, the operation can be classed as a success. 

2 inspirations today

Thank you to the person who sent me, anonymously, a book called 'Fighting Cancer from Within'.  I was grateful and look forward to reading it.

Thanks also to S who delivered a pork roast with all the trimmings and sauce for dinner and said that she and a group of other women had thought of me when they were doing the Odyssea run last week in Vincennes, just round the corner from us.

http://www.odyssea.info/paris/

She said that there must have been a wave of pink t shirts visible from space - I see that there were
32 000 participants this time.  I rashly said that I'd like to be the person doing that race next year (hey only the 5km, let's not get too ambitious, the 10k can wait).  I know it's a bit stereotypical, someone who's had bc (let's hope it's gone in a year) donning a pink t shirt and running but I had started running in July in a hope that I could do the Parisienne for Breast Cancer before all this crap happened, but then I found a lump in August and it all went to pot.

It's certain that I'm going to have to get fitter if only so my boobs are larger than my muffin top (and we are nowhere near right now which is causing me so much upset and making me feel really deformed), so why not have an aim, as S said it's not a bad thing to have an aim is it?. Well, let's see how this all goes......I have to get out of the house first.

It was very nice to be thought about though.

LIfe goes on

Had a bit of a rotten afternoon yesterday.  Lovely ladies came in the morning to drop off delicious food and much more - thank you!  This was the only reason I got out of bed yesterday, so good on  you for motivating me.

I had a call with the Listening Blonde scheduled for 15h so I waited in for that.  I was pretty angry when the call finished.  I was actually looking forward to the call; many things had been bothering and upsetting me and I needed to talk to her about them.  Well, the briefest call ever which basically just confirmed our mtg on Friday.  She did ask if I felt able to leave the house to get there.  It will be the first time I've travelled by public transport so it will be an Event but we both thought it was important that I got out.  However, when I started to try to tell her how shit I was feeling, she pretty much cut the conversation and left me crying.  Ca va pas!

Afterwards I was so frustrated so I called the Breast Cancer Care helpline 00 44 808 800 6000 in UK and talked to an absolutely lovely lady who herself had had a mastectomy 16yrs earlier.  She knew exactly how I was feeling, she let me cry, she told me what she thought and sent me some more resources to draw from.  That's what I needed, impersonal, expert, caring advice from someone who didn't mind if I cried a bit.

I can't drop the LB because she's part of the Cancer Committee who decide what treatment I get so she is my conduit of letting the oncologist and surgeons know how I'm doing, but I wasn't impressed yesterday.

I meant to go for a walk after and it was almost time for the end of school.  Our friend had offered to pick up the children and take them to her house whilst dh picked them up later.  This was because I didn't feel okay about standing outside school feeling in full spotlight of everyone.  I really wanted to pick up my kids, to show them that I could do normal things again and I was longing to see them and it seemed stupid that I was here and they would be somewhere else so, on the spur of the moment I called my friend who kindly came by the house, picked me up and took me to school to pick them up.  I was well covered in a baggy coat and a scarf (despite the Autumn sunshine).  I felt very nervous, especially when I saw all the Mums I know, but the 3 Mums who I know well all gave me a big kiss and a squeeze and we didn't talk about it.  I hid behind my friend and managed to do something normal at last.  There was a tricky moment when a nice Dad said he hadn't seen me for ages, was I working, was I giving my English lessons etc because his son was interested in returning.  After replying very vaugely, which seemed rude to me and confused him, I just said I'd been operated for cancer and I was having a rest until January.  Well, he is a vet and he's kind of a doctor and he's very discreet and sensible, so I thought he'd understand.  He nodded understandingly didn't ask any more but said his son would be interested in January. 

I'm not sure that the children really appreciated what a huge effort it was for me, well I'm sure they didn't.  They just dumped their schoolbags at my feet and went off to play footie with their friends in the sunshine.  The only thing they were interested in is that I brought a bag of Percy Pig sweets as a treat and soon they had been offered around to everyone and had all been scoffed.

So life goes on.

Kidspeak

Théo ' no I'm not upset you shouted at me Mummy, Aunty Sarah said that if you shout it means you're getting better so you must be getting a lot better now'.

Loic 'Mummy, I'm glad you're getting better (ahhh Mummy sighs) ......because when you're better I can have a hamester'

Waitrose does pink pasta

http://www.waitrose.presscentre.com/Press-Releases/Waitrose-support-National-Breast-Cancer-Awareness-Month-with-the-launch-of-pink-pasta-cbf.aspx

It's Breast Cancer awareness month in October I think.  Believe me, we are more than aware of breast cancer in this house.  Here's an unusual way of 'celebrating' breast cancer.

I quite fancy some pink pasta, I expect it makes quite a pretty meal.

Thanks for this P x.

Week Two of healing

I'm still getting better.  It's easier to move around, I feel less tired, more normal and not dizzy, I have more energy, I can do small stuff around the house.  The weeping in the breasts has finished.  I am more mobile.  But this week although progress is markedly slower, being out of the initial healing stage, there are things that are I'm finding out.  My left arm is seriously painful, not on the lymph node cut, there seems to be some tendon which is very tight and very painful which is worrying.  My nipples are still bleeding and weeping a bit every day thanks to the extensive bruises below them.  My breasts are still misshapen and flat and bruised and yellow in places.  The stitches below them seem to have healed to a wide, raised scar line under the breasts with the stiches still in place.   I have lots of places where my skin is numb.

Towards the end of the day my surgical bra really hurts, rubs, irritates and my breasts seem to be burning up, particularly underneath and around the edges of the bra like if you've worn a shoe and bare feet for the first time in the summer and you can't bear to take another step because it hurts your skin on your feet.  At the end of the day my breasts have lots of twinges and 'pull'  and have strange shooting pains and sometimes I get very strong pins and needles.  My shoulders and arms are still tired.  I can't reach up very far without feeling like it's pulling.  Sometimes my breasts are really hard and I think they are going to explode.

The painkillers are less and I'm getting by with less medication.  I made my first walking trip to the chemists on my own this evening, to renew my prescription.  I was tired afterwards and scared of meeting anyone I knew on the way (I didn't).  I'm feeling more normal but I think it's dangerous territory because you still need to take it easy and it's tempting not to.  So I'll get my arse back to the sofa.

Night night.

Thanks Little Sis

A post dedicated to my Little Sis who gave up a week of her life last week and flew by herself into the unknown to offer help to her post-operative Big Sis.

If I was trying to put my sock on (still can't do that without pain), she was there putting it on for me.  If I was feeling tired lying down and thought 'I fancy a cup of tea', her cheery head would pop round the door asking if I wanted a cup of tea.  If I was having problems putting on my cardigan or t shirt, she would magically appear and help my arms through, if there was something on the floor that I started to bend down to pick up, there she was before me telling me not to do it.  And it goes on!

Being newly addicted to Downton Abbey, I am beginning to realise what it is to have a lady's maid or a butler and a cook and a housemaid and nanny.  She was all of those things rolled into one and we had fun too!

I hope she enjoyed herself too, I think so.  It was very brave, though to come here not knowing what state I would be in and to look after me and my family with such good cheer, brightness and willingness.  It took so much pressure off dh and the children had a ball in a week that would have been very hard for us all otherwise.

A big THANK YOU!

With a little help from my friends

So how can I say this differently without risking repeating myself?

Today, my first day on my own since the op, I was nervous how things were going to go as I had had a Big Cry Session last night about things and was hoping it wouldn't shape my day.

I received a call from Miss Texas; we had a good chat, text from St L saying that the Scottish Cook was coming over with lunch.  I was really looking forward to it - the Scottish Cook came from far far away and brought her finest curry and tonnes of other stuff including curry and food and green tea and books and sweets and Orangina for the children and ironing perfectly folded from herself and from two v kind ladies whom I have never even met.  And not to mention her good cheer and commonsense which was just what the dr ordered.

The excellent curry, just to make your mouth water...

Tonight, another text from St L telling me who was passing with lunch tomorrow plus texts from Little Sis, neigbours who are tomorrow taking the children to school and picking them up in the evening.  Emails filled with love and understanding too, esp one from the Baker who has had her own struggle with body changes after cancer was discovered.  She knew exactly how I was feeling.

I don't like singling out specific people because this is only a typical day.  On another day, others will be passing by with food, magazines, DVDs, books, help in the house, taking away ironing, bringing shoppping, for a coffee, for a chat, taking me for a ride in the car, filling up my washing machine, sending me stuff in the post, presents, cards, oh the list seems endless.

All the people I know and love are giving their very best and as much as they can to make sure this old bird gets through all this sh**.

It begs the question of how can I ever thank them and how can I ever repay them?  I hope I've done some of that in the past, I believe that random acts and selfless of kindness not expecting a return and thinking about people are very important, (dh has often said I am 'too kind') but hopefully this has  served me well in my hour of need.  But right now I feel I have been given so much that the scales are definitely on my side right now, so when I'm stronger I need to tip the karma scales back to level.  It may not be the people who have been kind to me this time around, it may be towards others, but I think what goes around comes around in the world.  BE KIND!

Although, I am having problems deciding if cancer is part of that karma cycle and why it came my way.  Maybe you just have to be the best person you can in life and because you try, then there are others willing to carry you through the bad times and that's the karma return, and the cancer has nothing to do with that, it's just a shitty thing that happens?

So here's the song in my head right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBDF04fQKtQ

Green Tea

I talked about life changes earlier in September, and those which will now be necessary and those which will be favourable in an attempt to stop the cancer reoccuring or becoming mobile and those which will make me more healthy and stronger.  I think, on the whole, we do not like change, it can be hard and I am not one to embrace the Google philosphy 'change is your friend', although it's being forced on me right now.

One change that I have managed to make without too much difficulty is learning to drink and like green tea.  I am happy to drink it, I find it refreshing and tasteful and much lighter than 'normal' tea, but I have always liked camomile tea at night so I already liked the herbal teas.  I know they are difficult for some people.

Green tea is pretty mythic.  Icontains polyphenols called catechins.  One of these (EGCG), is one of the most powerful nutritional molecules against the formation of new blood vessels by cancerous cells.  This molecule is destroyed during the fermentation to make black tea but is found in large quantities in unfermented (green) tea.

After 2 - 3 cups of green tea, EGCG becomes plentiful in the blood and spreads through the body via the capilliary vessels (which surround and feed every cell in the body).  EGCG settles on the cells and blocks the switches - the 'receptors', the function of which is to set off the signal that allows penetration of neigbouring tissue by foreign cells, such as cancer cells.  This function, in addition to the blocking of the creation of new blood vessels to transport the cancer, plus the detoxifying effect of green tea (it can eliminate cancerous toxins/carciogens that cause breast, lung, oesophagus, stomach and colon cancer from the body), makes green tea a powerful tool against cancer.

Apparently children with brain tumours also experience a more powerful effect of small doses of radiation if their molecules are firstly sensitized by the harmless green tea molecules.

Green tea is also even more powerful when combined with soy.

How Many Cups of Green Tea per Day?
In a group of Japanese women suffering from breast tumours that had not yet mestasized (the cancer was still in situ and had not yet started to move around the body), researchers found that those who consumed 3 cups of green tea per day had 57% fewer relapses than those who only drank one cup per day.

How to drink it
Green tea must be steeped for  5 - 8 minutes to release its catechins.  Do not store green tea as it loses its benefits after one hour so if you make a pot, don't keep it too long.

Thanks to David Servan for the above information, which I have paraphrased from his excellent book 'Anti Cancer'.

I'm not stupid, I  know that there are no magic solutions and no anti cancer pill (maybe one day) and just one small thing will not be a huge turnaround in my health,  but I reckon I can't ignore something that seems to give so many benefits and is so simple to keep as a good habit.

So I've decided to do a green tea taste survey to bring the best of the bunch to you, in case you felt like changing your habits.

First under survey is Hema Fair Trade Green Tea lemon.

Packaging; plain white box, clear graphics with attractive lower case t in a tea pattern.
Tea bags; pretty little transparent bags with a small tag
Taste: You can see from the tea bag that there is a very small quantity of tea in each dose.  No matter how long I steep the bag, the tea never takes a bitter taste.  It is very light and gentle and easy to drink with the taste of a touch of lemon.  Personally, I'd prefer a little more body to the tea but this tea is refreshing, light with a delicate flavour which is not overwhelming, more like an infusion than an actual tea.
Price: sorry can't remember but it was not expensive like most products in Hema

+ not expensive, pretty tea bag, light flavour, Fair Trade
- a little too light tasting and tag a bit too insubstantial to 'hold' the bag in the cup and has a tendancy to fall into the cup

1st post surgery rdv

I didn't know what to expect, maybe a little look over and yes you're doing fine, ok bye.

The surgeon did a look over and then took off the hard round bandage (the mushroom cap) which was covering the transplanted nipple, both the nurse and the surgeon were looking over my chest at it anxiously.  When the stiches were removed all round, they both looked in intently with a 'ah, oui, c'est bon, ah oui, ok' so I knew someting, at last, had gone right.  The transplant had taken, it seems, so I have a nipple on both sides, so that was good news - at last something to rejoyce about.

The dressings were reapplied and I was told I can now have a full shower - yeah!

Up to now I've been topping and tailing but this morning I was actually nude in the shower without the horrendous heavy bra I have to wear 24/24.  It was sheer pleasure to feel the shower gently massaging my back and neck and chest and upper arms, the water running gently down, caressing and cleaning my skin.

I know that people say that you begin to appreciate the small things in life, and before cancer, I did try to, but that shower was a fantastic illustration of how a small thing can really be intensely appreciated and pleasurable.

It is harder to escape seeing my breasts, though as I have a mirror in the bathroom and a full length one as I come out of the bedroom, but I do not want to see those little bruised and battered things.

The issue of seeing my breasts didn't come up as I was in a little room for changing dressings only, there were no mirrors, not the surgeon's big office.

The surgeon insisted again that I could do the dressings myself and I explained that I couldn't actually reach, so he pointed at my husband indicating that he could do them.  I said that I preferred to have the reassurance of a nurse to tell me everything was as normal as well as to do the job properly.  I wonder if this insistence is something to do with dh learning to look at and to touch my breasts again?  And for me to alow him to do that so he can start the relationship with them again by touching and helping me.  Am I missing out on someting or an opportunity if I don't let him change the dressings?  Anyway, he's pretty squeamish, he couldn't even bring himself to cut our babies' cords at their birth so maybe it suits him too?  Maybe I should ask him.

Day 7 out of hospital

I've not much felt like writing this week, I've been tired and it hurts my arms and shoulders to type.
So it's nearly a week since I came out of hospital and 9 days since the operation.  How's it going?

Everyone I've seen has been surprised how alert and capable I've been, expecting me to be holed up in bed or drooping on the sofa.

Daily routine: There have been times during this last week when I was only fit for the bed or sofa and have needed to rest, but I've been showered, dressed, skincare routine done every day and sometimes hair blow dried.

Movement in arms: I've been progressively getting more comfortable and my arm movements have increased gradually.

Dizziness and Nausea: The horrible dizziness that befell me started to slow down about Wednesday, although as I type my head is a little bit fuzzy from looking down.  The nauseau has pretty much stopped.

Walking: I can walk for longer.  I've been talking a walk nearly every day.  Some days I've overdone it and had to sleep before dinner, but it's not a problem walking and it's been nice to get out and feel part of the world.

Tiredness: I am much more tired than before, although I get a burst of energy in the early evening, I can't do as much as before and luckily, with all the help, I'm not having to try to this week.

Sleeping: I'm sleeping better, ie much fewer sleep interruptions although I have been sleeping late (1am ish) and a few days I've 'slept in' to 10h and had a little nap in the afternoon or early evening.  Still some crazy, some horrific dreams but not every night.  I think that's due to the large dose of coedine before bedtime.  I can't not take this one as it means I can sleep without pain.

Voice and throat: Back to normal after 5 days after the op, no sore throat now

Pain: I wouldn't really say that I have had a lot of pain, some yes but I've been and still am, uncomfortable but I've been taking the meds and they have worked.

Wounds: the nurse who visits daily tells me that they are healing fine and are normal.  I've tightened the big 24 hour bra because it was rubbing me so it moves around less.  I wonder if swelling has gone down around my breasts or I've lost a bit of weight there as it's on the tightest fit now.

I'm still bruised all over but most bruises are now yellow or purple.

My breasts are sometime itchy and swollen and hard and feel like they are being pulled down which is uncomfortable.  I also have quite strong twinges in them and some violent pins and needles.  They are still very misshapen as far as I can see down the cleavage (although I'm not really looking)

The lymph node cut has been the most painful as it's in a place that rubs.  Today it seems better although it rubs towards the end of the day mostly.

The wound on the right has been weeping with yellow liquid this week which was a little alarming, but it has stopped now and the nurse told me it was not the sign of an infection.

How is my head? this is the bit i'm worried about.  If I'm left to my own devices my mood falls into melancohly  and sadness almost immediately and I cry.  I'm worried about the results of the biopsy, if the lymph nodes have been affected, what are the next steps and how extensive they will be (which all depend on the biopsy results).  I'm dreading a possible second operation, nervous about radiation and terrified of chemo.  I know I could expect good news but frankly, all news has been bad or worse news up to now so I've lost confidence that there could be good to come.

I am also firmly inconsolable for the loss of my breasts.  I don't really have any any more, frankly he may as well have done a double mastectomy in my eyes, he almost did.  I have not really looked at my chest but from the daily dressings change, I can see that the small teenage bud breasts that are there are also misshapen, bruised and are flat in places, sticking out in others.

My clothes ALL look absolutely ridiculous.  I have a huge fat muffin top with nothing on top and a fat tummy so it will be impossible to find the correctly sized clothes when the breasts are finally considered healed.  I used to love buying clothes - everyone who knows me would consider that I always dressed well and looked good, despite my size.  This won't be something I can even do now.  I don't know if I should throw them all away or what to do.  I threw another bra away this morning.  As far as I can see, the cancer will now be affecting my life every single day with a reminder of how shit I look compared to before every single day.  It's hard to consider that for the rest of my life.

I cannot go out in public without a scarf or coat or baggy cardigan to protect me from the view of others and believe me, that's what everyone who's seen me who knows me looks at first, it's almost involuntary.  I'd like to teach next week (couple of hours) but I don't see how I'll have the confidence to stand up in front of a class and do so.  I don't even have the confidence to pick up my sons from school and see the Mums outside.

My sis thinks I'm still in shock and maybe she's right.  I still cannot believe that a week or so ago, I had marvellous big breasts that made me sexy and gave me proportion and that I loved.

The psychologist called me yesterday and talked about 'relations intime'.  I actually laughed out loud when she said it.  I cannot believe that I would want to show these excuses to anyone, nor that anyone would wish to look and as for feeling them, well they have no feeling in them and I would not want to touch them nor have someoene else touch them.  Out.of.the.question.  Not sexy, no no no.

She also talked about the breasts not being 'mine' for the moment as they are still the object of medical scrutiny but reminded me that in a few weeks, the bruises will be gone, the stitches out and they will belong to me and my body and I'll have to 'reappropriate' them.

She doesn't offer any answers or anything, she just brings up the subject and lets it sit in my head for digestion.

And my head has plenty to digest.....

Pillows, cookies and cupcakes

I am SO grateful for the fantastic network of friends and family around me, believe me, I do treasure every contact and word you send, it is keeping me going.

More of the help I'm currently receiving deserves a long post but here's some pretty pics.

The Association to which I belong sent me a gift.  Normally they send flowers to members in difficult positions but I'm not keen on that so they sent me something altogether more useful - a pillow that I can tuck under my arm to sleep more comfortably and believe me, it's not even out of the bag and it was tucked under my arm and I was sleeping!  The pillow is from moonlightpillows.com and is specifically made for breast cancer patients who have had surgery.  It is soft and pink (my favourite) and arrived with a pretty giftcard in a gauze bag.  I liked the story that the makers made them initially for a friend who had cancer and was having difficulty sleeping and then that increased to giving one to each woman who was diagnosed in the local hospital.  And now they are international.  Thanks to those who made this happen, it's lovely and just the job. 

MT made a brief stop to deliver lunch and dinner for Sunday.  She enclosed two lovely things - Walnut Whips from her recent business trip to London (I know I have very international friends don't I?) and two made from the heart cookies from her young daughter Chloé to 'make me feel better'.  The Peppa Pig one really made me feel better, thanks darlin'.

And we came home from a short walk this afternoon to find a box of cupcakes at the door!  Wow!  We shared them as dessert at dinner and we found them absolutely delicious.  These are from my friend who runs her own Cupcake Business and shop in Paris 18th called Sugar Daze http://www.sugardazecupcakes.com/fr/.  They were the best, thank you and the photo doesn't do justice to the sparkly one in the corner.  Nobody can be sad with a cupcake in their hand.  Not that I'm droppin names or anything but I wonder if these cakes were the same sort that a famous footballer who once had a stint in a famous Paris football club ordered for his young child's Birthday, or maybe they were the same ones eaten by the Oscar winner at her party last week!  

(And of course thanks for the care package too, tootootootoo kind).

Really night night

How to be firm with your plastic surgeon

Thanks for the suggestions re how to handle this situation.

During a Long Night of Deep Thought (one of many), last night, I decided that I would explain to him before he'd asked me to strip down and face his long mirror that I appreciated his professional skills and since this operation, have a great admiriation for the work that surgeons do.  (The surgeon whose son I teach is the hand surgeon at the Clinique where I was and she came to see me after doing several operations that day and she said she's shattered at night on a Friday.)

So, with the greatest respect, my breasts are his handiwork but they are also part of my body and for the moment I do not feel ready to see my body and it is no reflection on his work.

I even practised it in French at 2am in my bed!

Night night!

A great blog, cancer is not a gift

http://www.chicagonow.com/cancer-is-not-a-gift/2013/06/advice-for-those-newly-diagnosed-with-cancer/

Advice for newly diagnosed people.  I like this woman's writing and I'll be reading her blog a lot more, I think I can learn from here although her cancer is different from mine.

She also did a good blogpost about swearing for Mums Who Drink and Swear and I know I use language that some of you may not use in your daily life (yep I swear a lot), so here's her article.

http://www.chicagonow.com/moms-who-drink-and-swear/2013/10/god-doesnt-care-if-you-fking-swear/

And no, cancer is not a gift to help us 'grow' wrapped in shiny paper and tied with a pink ribbon, it is a dirty, stinking, evil smelling, nasty bin bag full of gunk and shit.