18 month check up - when you look better than your doctor does!

It was today.  I had a feeling it would be ok as I had the mammogram and ultrasound a couple of weeks back and I got the blood tests back yesterday and they looked ok.  But you never know until you've spoken to the expert.

It's been a long run of medical appointments.  I've seen the cardiologist three times for an assessment, an ECG and what he described as the 'effort test' when I had to pedal a stationery bicycle for ages and ages and he monitored my heart as I did it.  In fact, he said I kept going quite a long time, relatively speaking, and I was relieved to walk out of that appointment after hearing him say that there was no need that he could see for me to take heart medication and that I was just to keep an eye on my blood pressure.  It seems that the radiation hasn't damaged my heart after all.

I then plucked up the courage to do the mammo and ultrasound.  It was miserable as always there.  I waited for ages, but at least now I know it's going to take ages so I plan.  It was stressful, yes, of course it was.  There were more moments during the ultrasound when the operator kept going over and over my painful scars and over and over various areas.  In the end I cracked and said 'have you found something'?  She said not and that nothing had changed since last time.  I was relieved to get out of that appointment too, and to collect the results the next day.

And today I waited an hour - not so bad for this particular doctor.  There are always emergencies to be treated in the World of Cancer and I always feel fortunate that it's not me with an emergency so I feel ok about waiting.  There were a lot of old people in the waiting room today and a poor lady with a scarf and a mask over her mouth.  She was taken away in a wheelchair for chemo I presume.  It's such a bump down to earth seeing that, such a salutory reminder that I'm doing good and I'm LUCKY.

I have to say, when she asked me how I was, the word 'bien' came out in a very positive way, and I noticed that she was actually not looking so great herself.  When you look and feel better than your doctor looks, there must be something going ok!  In fact she explained that she's wearing a corset because she's hurt her back and it really does show on her face, she looks in pain.  Hope she's prescribing herself some good drugs, perk of the job I guess.

The Doctor and I talked about the decision that the Cancer Committee had made in forcing me to wait another year for my reconstruction.  I explained that it had made me very miserable.  She didn't comiserate but I felt like she understood and she told me I'd already done 6 months and I only had 6 to go and it was for the better and the greater good this wait.

I explained that the surgeon had told me that he'd prefer to operate after the 2 year mark when the chances of it coming back were significantly lower.  She said it wasn't about that at all but it was all about giving the flesh time to grow and recover and become more supple after the radiotherapy so the fat has a better chance of staying.  I believed her.  She's the dr that got me through radiotherapy.  She knows what she's talking about.

Still odd to be examined again but I've sort of got used to it.  I had an anxious moment when she put the xrays on the screen to examine them.  I had a horrible thought that she'd find something they'd missed at the Cabinet.  But she didn't and I was pleased to hear 'you're fine'.  I don't have to have a mammogram for a year now but I'll see her in January and I have my prescription for Tamoxifen to keep me going another 6 months.

It was another appointment I was glad to leave and walk out of into the sunny day, hopefully leaving behind the hospital for another 6 months.

Next stop belated appointment with Doctor Pink for a gyne to make sure the Tamoxifen isn't giving me ovarian cancer.  Great.

And then, the dentist (which I'm quite looking forward to because it'll mean all the other serious stuff is over for a few months).

And then the summer!  Yey!

Tattoos

I've done a few tattoo posts.  Many women find their 'new' bodies more acceptable and beautiful with tattoos, especially, it seems, after a mastectomy.  It's really not my cup of tea this tattoo business but I might find myself having one on my very pale grafted nipple to even the colour out, or maybe I won't, I'm scared it'll hurt or be the wrong colour or something!  However I think if those women who do have them over their scars feel better about themselves, then this can only be a really great thing.  Good on them for finding the right thing to help them along.

Anyway, here's another bunch of tattoo pictures.

http://diply.com/auntyacid/tattoos-inspirational-art/138274

This may make you cry

https://www.facebook.com/holley.kitchen/videos/vb.733071868/10153490757561869/?type=2&theater

This may make you cry.  I love how this woman says what she says.  She is my image of a brave person.  She would not say she is brave, she would say, like I did when people said I'm brave, that we have no choice we just go on because we have to.  But she IS brave and her little video deserves to be seen by many.  It's more effective without the music, I found.

It is good to try to knock that bull**** stuff people say on the head.   It certainly made me think about what I've said to people in the past.  I remember at the Cancer House asking an old lady 'how are you?'  She shook her head sadly and said 'not great right now'.  I wanted the ground to swallow me up, I felt crass and stupidly insensitive and I didn't mean to be at all.  In the Cancer House and in Cancer World, you don't ask people how they are.  You say, 'how are you today?' or just 'hello, good to see you' is enough.

Good luck Holley Kitchen.

Losing it (and gaining it)

Ha!  Cryptic title.

It's been a long time since I've written here.  I felt like I've been sort of saving up stuff and then never finding the time to actually write in between homework, housework and my work.  (Yes, lots of 'works' in that sentence, just about sums things up right now.

But the big holidays are round the corner and the sun is shining so positivity reigns!

I was so terribly disappointed that I have to wait another year for my breast reconstruction.  It felled me and made me quite depressed for a moment back there.  However, my sister said 'you need a project to get you through this year'.  She was right; I needed a focus and something to make me feel better and more positive.

The stinging remarks that had been made about my weight by various (every) health professional I met since I started this adventure in 2013 had been weighing heavy (ha!) on my mind and really not helping me feel better about the my breasts being mutilated.  Whenever I thought about what this cancer had 'done' to me, it always came back to body image as the most important thing.

Then, by chance JLo handed me a book and said 'don't take this the wrong way but I thought this might interest you'.  It was a diet book, a fun diet book, a psychological diet book, a realistic diet book written for weaklings like myself.  I liked it and it made my decision clear - that my project would be to lose 15kg before I see the surgeon in September.

Better health, feeling lighter, feeling better about my body image, feeling proud, this ticked all the boxes.  I started the diet the next day.  It's working.  I'm now 8 weeks in with various slip-ups but never mind, not huge ones and the eating plan does give you a lot of freedom.

So, I've virtually given up caffeine (I was on that road anyway since I came out of hospital), I try not to eat sugar  and sugary foods.  I don't eat carbohydrates.  I don't eat 'carby' veg.  I eat a lot of protein and salads and vegetable and I drink a lot of water.  After 2 weeks without alcohol, I could drink a little and I do drink a little.  It's not an anti-social diet at all.

To be honest it's a bit like the Atkins and the eating plan my GP reccomended, the GI Diet, which I'd tried before and liked.  And it is working for me!  At the time of writing, I've lost 8 of those 15 kg.  It's an up and down and overall slow loss now but the graph is going down dear readers!  I'm nearly back to the weight I was when I moved to France 15 yrs ago. 

And I'm feeling good!  Much much more energy (visibly).  I have the energy to do stuff in the house now when I used to slouch on the couch after my work and didn't have the energy to do housework.  My leg cramps seem to have stopped (maybe because I'm drinking so much water?).  I don't feel full and bloated any longer.  I am making healthy, informed choices about my food.  The foot pain that made me feel like a grandma seems to have gone pretty much.  I used to have terrible pain and could hardly walk on my foot if I sat for a while or stayed still (teaching 1:1 for example)  I used to virtually crawl or limp across the room or upstairs.  It's just gone!  I have less (virtually no) wind and my skin is good and my eyes are clear.

The diet is here Pig to Twig

It suits me.  It might not suit you.  You might disapprove of it.  You might love it, if that's what you're looking for.  I am glad my friend put that book in my hand.

My change in body shape means that I'm much keener to look at my naked body (remember I couldn't do this for over 6 months after the op).  My breasts are ugly still, this is no miracle cure!  But my shoulders and chest are a nicer shape and I'm beginning to believe that this operation will take place and I will one day have the same sized breasts.  And they will look good on my changed body.  My muffin top has decreased by 8cm, my hips by 23cm, my waist by 11cm.  My chest has gone smaller.  My bras are on the tightest hooks.  I have less boob, but this can be fixed.

What is great is that I can go into a lot of clothes shops and buy stuff or just try it on and sometimes it's too big!!!  Sometimes it doesn't suit, sometimes I love and buy.  But I am so enjoying feeling feminine again.  I've started wearing heels now my feet don't hurt.  Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think that I genuinely look GOOD!  This is a big deal for me.

So losing it means I have gained a great deal, notably my confidence and a lot of that old mojo back again.

Let's hope it continues.....