1st Mammogram

 

A couple of weeks ago I had my first post surgery mammogram.  It was 4 months after the radiotherapy had finished; not before because apparently the effects of the treatment are still going on for that time and at 4 months, normally the tissue has settled somewhat.  True, I've still been having pains in my left breast as during the radiotherapy.

I decided to go back to the Centre where I had the mammogram and ultrasound where the cancer was discovered, not because it's great service (they are always running late, even at 9h) or because of the atmosphere - it's a very basic place, no frills and a bit depressing to tell you the truth.  I went back there because I have a history there and they have all my previous exams stored, so they can do a good comparision.  And, after all, they did discover the cancer so they must be doing something right.

dh kindly said he would take a half day and accompany me for the mammo; it was a tense time for both of us so we were both hoping to get some comfort from each other.

I finally went into the examination and did the (pretty painful) mammo, although I had pre-warned the receptionist when I made the appointment that I would be very stressed and possibly upset, so the operator was nice and told me to stop when the machine hurt (and she did stop).  She left me to look at the clichés and I slipped my top on.  After a long wait, she returned and said that more xrays were needed.  I immediately jumped to the conclusion that there was a problem and they'd seen something.  She said not, but my breasts were so different (just a bit!) than the previous xray that they needed more pictures to gather a new batch for a control group.

More pics taken and I was left to wait again.  It was really long, I walked around the room, stressed, cried a bit, got scared, hyperventilated, played on my phone, tried to read a book.  All the time thinking that she'd come back and say 'we found something, you have to do more tests'.  I imagined myself going through another biopsy, another operation, chemotherapy.  In short, I imagined the worst in that cold room.

Then the doctor came back, not the operator, and said that the xrays looked clear.  You can't imagine the huge sigh of relief that I gave.  I felt like I'd run a marathon, my body was weak.

I did, however, have to come back for an ultrasound which I hadn't even noticed was on the prescription so I made an appointment for 2 weeks time.

Which was yesterday.

I waited one hour to be seen, playing Farm Heros Saga, trying to read.  The tension mounting.  Then I was in.  It was the same place where I'd found out that I had something suspect, the same view from the bed, the same lighting, the same white wallpapered wall next to my face, the same coat peg.  Everything was etched on my mind.

The ultrasound lasted over 30 minutes.  There were a couple of times when the Doctor left the room to consult my previous test results, in particular the ultrasound I had in January to check out the right breast.  It was extremely painful on the scar tissue and I was wound up like a spring.  I thought I'd be a bit less stressed as I'd already had a good mammo result, but I was more stressed.  I think it's the bad memories of the ultrasounds I had had when I was pregnant or miscarrying.  I don't have many good memories of ultrasounds in my life.  The bad ones have overshadowed the joyful ones, that special time where you see a foot, a hand, a face and movement of your baby.  For me they have mostly been about bad news.

It seems that the 'ball' in my right breast has diminished in size slightly, which is good but apparently it's not going to go away the doctor thought.  I also have all sorts of calcifications, nodules, fibrous bits, just a lot going on down there.

The final conclusion however was that there was nothing 'méchant', nothing bad.

I walked out stunned and hurting a lot on and in my breasts and with a headache.  I think I was in some sort of shock about the whole procedure, never mind the result.

I waited for the written results and like a knight in shining armour, dh came through the door as I was about to leave.  I'd told him I needed a drink, he said 'I'll bring a bottle of water', I said no 'a drink', a real one.

Most of all I wanted to be home with a headache pill.  I cried so much in his arms when we got home.  I hadn't realised how much I was scared of a bad result.  I'm crying while I write this.  I hadn't realised how much I really didn't want to go back to that cancer situation, the tests, the needles, the hospital, the fear.  I didn't feel joyful at all about the result, I just felt numb and like I'd had a reprieve, but for how long this time?  I know too that next time it's a mastectomy and chemotherapy, not just radiotherapy and a lump removal.  It hangs over my head, like I'm glad I escaped but I don't really believe that I have escaped.  The cage door is open but I can't step out of it.

I know this is a point where I could start to turn the page and I'd like to, but I'm scared to.  It's like tempting fate to say 'yes I had cancer but it's all over now'.  How do I know?, how can I be sure?  How do I live on with the knowledge that one day there might be a little unexplained ball, it's happened already could it happen again?  In short, how to reconcile the possibility of falling ill with the will to live a happy life.  Must it always be there like a black cloud on a sunny day?  I thought I was doing ok, I had had moments when I didn't think about cancer at all, when I could logically see that it was part of my past and not part of my present.  But it sort of will be part of my present for ever now.

I understand now why women say 'take off my breasts'.  I never understood that before, but I do now, it's the most radical kind of surgery for breast cancer but I understand why they would want to be rid of those two lumps of fat on their chest that cause them so many problems.  I totally get you, Angelina.

The lovely ladies on our closed FB page who have all gone through this were a real source of comfort last night, I know they understand, they have been in my shoes.  Glad they are there.

And while I get myself primed for thinking about a reconstruction (which I'm feeling very ambivilent about right now), I guess things will get better with time, as they say about most traumas.  It's just not time yet.

Seven Classes of Breast Cancer Test Offers New Hope?

The BBC report that a new test that can identify the seven classes of breast cancer could be available in UK within 2 years.

There are 10 different types of breast cancer.  If the particular type of cancer is identified, then treatments can be tailored and made to suit the individual, instead of patients enduring 'catch all' treatments that, while possibly proving effective (not always) against the cancer, may cause needless harm or prove unnecessarily difficult to endure.

If the specific type of cancer is identified and targetted, in the long run, the treatment will be more effective and possibly cost effective.

 

At the moment, identifying the different types of cancer can only be done by expensive and lengthy gene testing, however, with this new test, we are even closer, as Baroness Delyth Morgan, the Chief Executive of Breast Cancer Campaign says to the 'holy grail of personnalised medicine'.

Breast cancer pathology has already come a long way since the days of every patient enduring chemotherapy.  My tumor was screened for in situ cancer and infiltrant cancer plus the HER2 status which means the tumor is hormone sensitive, leading to my taking Tamoxifen.  If it wasn't hormone sensitive I'd be taking different drugs and would maybe need to have had chemotherapy.

Baroness Delyth Morgan says that the goal is to overcome breast cancer by 2050.  Not sure if that will happen, but it would be truly great if it did.   I read a statistic that 1000 women die of breast cancer every MONTH in UK.  Each of those women are someone's mother, daughter, friend.  Too many.

Anyway, read this and get the whole story.  It would be a great stride for breast cancer patients and their survival rates if this test was made widely available.

http://www.bbc.com/news/health-24732987

Green tea Green tea!

Yes, more green tea, I am really enjoying my role as taster and reviewer!  It's good to ring the changes and see what delicious beverages there are out there.

My first was a present from my parents and bought from Sainsburys in the UK.  They gave me two boxes of this Free Trade tea, one with a peach flavour, the other mint flavour.  I liked them both very much.  Light, refreshing and not too perfumed.  Perfect at all times of the day (apart from after 18h because if I drink tea after then I my sleep is even worse than normal).

Hell I can't rotate it!

I don't know how expensive the tea was (rude to ask when it's a present dontcha know?) but Sainsburys own brand is probably quite reasonable.

+ points - great tasting everyday tea, Free Trade, non bleached bags
- points - can't get it in France!

The second tea is a really serious bag of tea leaves.  This was very kindly brought to me by a lovely lady who had come all the way from the next town on the train to deliver a home-cooked meal when I was just out of hospital.  She'd added all sorts of other treats, this tea included.  I simply cannot express enough gratitude to the people who came round during that very difficult period bringing delicious food, drink and treats or coming round to pick up ironing or deliver cakes or magazines and with it showing their love and concern.  It warms my heart still to think of the care and outpouring of concern that they showed and believe me it helped me enormously and also helped my children, and showed my scared husband that there were good guys and gals in the world and sometimes that good things happened, amongst the horror and sadness that we'd come across.

So, back to the tea.  I don't like to make a pot unless I have visitors and a friend showed me these really neat disposable tea bags which are on sale in a local posh kitchenware shop.  They are so dinky and easy to use and not messy.  With the other tea infusers like the metal balls and the like, I find they are messy to use and take too much time to clean.  These little paper bags are quick to use and disposable (and biodegradable too).

So, the tea.  It's called 'Destination Premium' Hubei and Fujian Chinese tea, floral and refreshing.  It's flavoured with jasmine so the taste and smell is floral.  The bag lasted for ages as I only needed a few leaves to make a cup strong enough for me.  I had to be careful not to leave it to steep too long as that made it too strong as well.  However, the tea never had that bitter taste even if it was left a long time in the cup.

The taste was more full-bodied than other teas I'd tasted and the floral hints made it an aromatic pleasure.  Don't know what the price is but it's probably a very economic way to drink green tea as the bag lasts so long.  Ingredients: Green Tea only!  No additives.

+ Bag lasts for ages and great if you like floral teas and strong tea with a stronger flavour, organic. 
- Not good if you don't like stronger teas or floral taste or smell and can't be bothered with tea bags

And the third tea today is a Kusmi Tea, luxe de luxe!  This was a treat from a lovely friend.  I'd been saving it since Christmas and now I've nearly finished it:-( I've written already about the historic Kusmi teas and how they have updated their image and are now uber-fashionable (in Paris at least).  The packaging is gorgeous and the mix is interesting.  This tea is called 'BB Detox' and it contains green tea, maté, rooibos, guarana and dandelion.  It is also grapefruit scented.  The best thing about this tea is opening the tin in the morning and inhaling the smell!  It's heavenly.  Not strong but refreshing and delicious.  A real pleasure.

The tea itself (and it's tea leaves) is light, non bitter and very easy to drink.  Slips down nicely.  You're left with a refreshing taste and a feeling of having your thirst really satisfied.

I'm not sure if it detoxifies but it feels clean and afterwards my pee is pale yellow (sorry tmi).

Although the tea was a present, I did look at the price in my local shop and it's really expensive, so it's a luxury and a really generous present.

+ The smell and the light taste and the feeling that you might be doing good things for your body.  The packaging and the cheerful yellow are a pleasure to look at too.
- The price