Chicken Kiev extravaganza

Saturday and Friday were good days for friendship.

We went over to south Paris to see old friends and their cute son and all of us went on to the Stade Charlety and their winter attractions, ice skating, sledding etc, which our children loved.  The children received an excellent balancing game (which they have played with a lot) as a present.  We had an excellent time all together.  I felt really proud of the boys when they helped the little one to get around the ice rink.  We stayed for pizzas and it was very warming to see our friends.  They didn't mind my topping up the Biafine in the bathroom and gave me compresses to ease the pain under my arm.  My girlfriend is extremely understanding and intuitive and it was really great to be able to talk freely to her.

Our old friends from Luxembourg passed by on Saturday morning to give us much needed hugs in person and a rather excellent box of Quality Street which I've been scoffing at a rate of knots.  It was great to catch up with them and their children; we hope to go over there to see them next year.

We also met a dear, sweet American friend for a coffee in Bercy and she brought boxes of chicken kiev and curry sauces from M&S, a new Kusmi Detox Tea for me, homemade banana bread and cute Xmas cookies and games for the boys (one of which we have all enjoyed playing together with great hilarity).  We had a long chat which was really lovely.  Hope to catch up again in early January.

All these outings really make our Christmas holidays at home much more fun and warm.  Friends are so important.  Thank you to those friends who made the last couple of days special, thank you for your presents and your thoughts, they are much much appreciated.  Thank you too for just being our friends.

Radiotherapy # 27, 6 to go

9h appointment, seen on time.  Very quick.  I asked the manipulators to speak to the doctor to tell her I absolutely wanted to see her and I expressed my discontentment that I had hardly seen her since I started my treatment.  I hope she'll be there Thursday, I'll call to check beforehand.

My burning has partly turned into shedding skin.  This is what it looks like under my arm and on the side of my breast (you can see part of the scar at the bottom).  The rest of the breast and chest are currently brown and very itchy and blistery.

 

So that's what'll be hiding under my little black dress for the New Year's Eve party.....

Honestly finding it difficult to get excited about a new year starting, it's just the same old shit continuing really. 

Today I'm grateful for my dh bringing Ferrero Rocher and white chocolate Magnums for everyone home from the shops

Radiotherapy # 26, 7 to go

GG is on a New Year jolly in Alsace so dh and kids took me to the hospital this morning.  A full waiting room and a little wait and all was done.  The radiologist took one look at my suffering skin and reccomended another even better cream, which I went out and bought immediately.  I think this is the last of their ammunition so I'm hoping it will give relief.

Next onto the doctor for myself and Théo (who has missed a vaccination apparently and has a bruised rib poor lad).  For me, I wanted a prescription for The Cure which the locum (who seemed young enough to be my daughter) couldn't find.  She asked me if there was anything else and I took a deep breath and said 'yes, I've found another lump in my right breast this time'.  I've had lumpiness under my scar leading from nipple to under my breast and the same kind of lumpiness seems to now be under the scar near my armpit.  It's been developing for a few days and with Xmas and all that, I didn't mention it.  She examined me and I started to cry (much to my embarassement, I didn't want to) so she reassured me that it's probably not cancer because it doesn't hurt (hmmmm I know another lump that 'wasn't cancer because it didn't hurt' and it turned out to be a 7cm tumour) but she advised me to get an ecographie asap and see her again on Thursday.

So, panicked, we spent some part of the morning calling round all sorts of places which were, of course, it being the holidays, closed.  After shouting at everyone in the house and crying I then had lunch and slept all afternoon on the sofa. wtf I just cannot face more tests and more heartbreak.

I determined to speak to the doctor on Thursday about all of this.  I refuse to run around like a headless chicken scaring the life out of everyone for two days.

Here's my new cream.  Tiny tube 15€ not reimbursed.

Today I'm grateful for the new cream

Breast Cancer - The Musical!

I've been invited to be part of a FB group comprising some lovely ladies, British, living in France and all with an experience of breast cancer.  It's great to be able to chat about the illness in English and sometimes give advice and sometimes get advice, all with a healthy dose of British humour.  Which brings me to this musical clip which one of the ladies posted.  I definitely found a ring recognition there, although I'm nowhere near as cute as the young woman in the lead role.

http://supportthefightagainstbreastcancer.com/breast-cancer-musical-short/?utm_source=social&utm_medium=bcaware&utm_campaign=breast-cancer-musical-short&utm_term=20131221

I wish I could find a lingère shop like this one!

Pre The Cure present

I was really surprised and delighted to receive this Instant Beaute coffret in the post from my wonderful friend, English Rose.  Thank you so much, it will keep me going nicely until The Cure, what a thoughtful thing to do, I am SO lucky.  Looking forward to choosing my treatment....;

Radiotherapy MEP, 8 to go

We came home because I had a MEP at the hospital which is a 'mise en place', literally, put in place on the machine for the new 8 sessions to come.

I was in place quite a long time which caused pain on the scars and to my shoulder.  x rays were taken both sides with new co-ordinates for the bed.  The new sessions will be on a smaller square on the scars under my new 'breast' on the left hand side which is a shame because that's the area which is giving me very painful stabbing sensations, taking me surprise, sometimes making me exclaim out loud.  I take pain killers during the day and at night as finding a sleeping position is difficult.  My whole underarm and arm and left breast and part of my chest are burnt dark brown.

Hard to go back to the hospital after 2 days off, I'm glad to be getting right on with these 8 sessions.  Some people take a break, either because they want to or because they are too burnt, but it's hard to go back.  I'd even forgotten to put my arm up - I said to the manipulator 'how can I forget?' she said, 'why would you want to remember something unpleasant like this?'  which I thought was pretty kind.

GG was not on form today, although it didn't prevent him from gassing non stop.  He has the typical French 'mal de foie' often arriving after festive periods and the indulgent eating that they involve.

I am hurting and feel depressed and close to tears that there are still 2 weeks to go.

Today I feel grateful for the kindness of the hospital staff.

Radiotherapy # 25, 8 to go

Forgot to post this before Xmas.  Number 25 is a good number to reach; normally radiotherapy stops at 25 sessions but the dr wants me to do an extra 8 to 'clean' the area where the tumor was, so there will be 8 targetted sessions to come.  Because I'm at 25 today we were allowed to take a couple of days off so we headed to Normandy for dh's family Christmas.  Not my idea of Xmas really, sitting around a table, not v joyous since dh's Dad died of cancer 6 yrs ago but great for the children who were delighted to see their cousins and had a great time.

Nice to have other appointments like being on time for an apero with friends, other than hospital ones, still.

I showed good face I think and dressed up for Xmas and acted like there was nothing wrong so everyone was relieved and I suppose they can see I'm not dying or looking ill 'mais tu as une bonne mine'.  Yes, well, whatever, I was sitting at the table on 24th evening burning up and getting stabbing pains on my scars, but I have a bonne mine so that's ok.

My sil, who had leukemia 10yrs ago and whom I admire a great deal for her courage,  and who has since opened her own hair salon and had a baby, said that the worries about the cancer do fade with time, which is good to know.

I'm grateful for 2 days off.

Radiotherapy # 24, 9 to go

A shortl wait but everything went smoothly this morning.  Got talking to the dance teacher in the waiting area, she seems very nice and was really looking forward to the school holidays.

A couple of older men were there too, one explained that he had prostrate cancer to begin with which went up to his thyroid and now he has it in his face.  His poor face was all dark red on the side where he'd had radio.  His oncologist wanted him to go for another scan so he was worried that there would be more cancer somewhere, apparently he goes for blood tests to see if there's a problem.  He was hoping desparately that there wouldn't be another cancer.  I bet.  I could tell he was having a really hard time keeping his morale.  I think that's what i'm really starting to worry about, what happens when the treatment finishes and you are still scared about it coming back and having to go through it all again?

Then this old guy in the corner pipes up 'it's important to keep your spirits up'.  I said I was sick of people saying that, as if it would cure or wouldn't cure if one didn't keep ones spirit up, like it's your fault that you're ill, and in any case, it's not always easy to feel good about having cancer.  He just kept repeating it so I said, ok, what helps you keep up your morale.  I was expecting him to say 'wife/children/family' but no, he said I'm 81yrs old and my Dad got to 95.  I have made my mind up to get to 95yrs old!  There's no answer to that!

I am having trouble sleeping as my breast is so itchy and sore and I'm taking strong painkillers before going to bed.  It's very dark brown under the arm and the breast on top is going dark brown and is very itchy.  There is also lots of painful stabbing feelings inside.

Had a fairly painful kine session this evening too, he's trying to stretch the scar, which is difficult when it's already very sore to touch, but the energetic spot massages of various parts of my arm and shoulder are pain relieving.

I'm grateful for my work today; a heavy day again but we played charades for the end of the lesson (it's a great way of getting lots of questions in English out of them very quickly)  and I found myself offering to demonstrate the first challenge and it was the 'Full Monty', so I was pretending to give a striptease in front of my goggle-eyed first years. 

I'm also really glad it's the Christmas holidays now, what a relief, although it will bring some challenges in looking after the kids all day and doing radiotherapy but it's good to see that time stretching out in front of me.

Radiotherapy # 23, 10 to go

I was at work for 8h30 and I worked to 17h then straight off to radiotherapy for 17h30.  I nearly fell asleep on the table during the rays.  The manipulators asked me if I had little bumps on the treated area and in fact they have developed during the last day or two.  Apparently these normally'brunis', new vocabulary to me, which was explained that they go brown, then the skin will drop off and reveal sensitive new skin underneath.  Nice.

I caught a quick photo of the blue door, lest I forget.

Today I am grateful for a very kind person who sent me a Christmas card with cinema tickets in it.  Totally unexpected but great to come home to after a day like that and to one of my students who said 'Madame you are a great teacher, really cool'  Hoping this is a good thing this 'cool' business!

empathy versus sympathy

I really liked this little animated short.

I have encountered a lot of sympathy and some empathy during the last few months.  I have been grateful for both.

But have found the empathy much more moving.  I know, though, that people want to say something and fill the empty space and sometimes it's they don't find the best words to fill the space with.  I am a little tired of silver linings to be honest!  I am trying to construct them for myself.

I will try to be more empathatic now when I hear bad news, I think I have been before but if I haven't, I apologise for any awkward things I might have said in reaction to hearing bad news.

http://www.upworthy.com/my-wife-didnt-get-why-i-was-so-into-this-woman-but-after-about-40-seconds-we-were-both-obsessed

Radiotherapy # 22, 11 to go

Dropped kids off at multisport 14h, taxi arrived at 14h45, arrived at hospital 15h02, seen straight away, left hospital at 15h15, back home 15h30.  Result!

Manipulators were very experienced today and there was no messing about.  Fab.  Makes all the difference.  Such a change from yesterday.

One thing, there's a lady I see in the waiting room sometimes.  She has a head of brown hair.  It was her turn after mine and I saw her waiting in the cubicle next to mine ready to go.  She had no hair:-(  It occured to me today that people with wigs must be obliged to take them off before undergoing the therapy.  And I felt embarrassed walking down the corridor and taking my top off to expose my mutilated breasts.....

Things to be grateful for today: experienced staff doing things quickly and being two thirds of the way through the treatment

Talking of hair, I just noticed today that my underarm hair on the left has all fallen out leaving a sort of stubble.  Also the hair follicles are like black dots all over my underarm.  This is new from yesterday.  Not really bothered about this but wondering if it will grow back and if so, whether it will grow back into fine wispy hair like the right or something else.  We'll see.  Not allowed to shave armpits for several months in fact.

Radiotherapy # 21, 12 to go - crying on the table

I was early for the session this morning, hoping that I'd been seen earlier as I had to prepare a lesson for my students.  Absolutely no chance!  I waited an hour to get to walk through the blue door (I think there was a back up as the yellow door machine was not working again).  So I lay there again for the 21st session, tits up in the cold room with 3 people peering over my chest and at my side and leaving me in the room alone to be zapped.  I don't know what happened but the tears just came and came out of my eyes, drippping down my face.  I wasn't sobbing, the tears just kept on coming and I couldn't stop them.  I couldn't move either to brush them away.

One of the manipulators came straight to me afterwards and asked me if my eyes were watering or if I was crying.  And I burst into tears.  I was quickly taken aside, a leaflet about the psychological services thrust into my hand, a handkercheif (well a paper towel) and my oncologist was on the phone as quick as silver.  He wanted me to stay and see him so I had to stay.  I wanted to stop the treatment on 23rd and take 24th off and he had to give his authorisation but in the end it turns out my 25 sessions will be finished on 23rd.  After that, there is the 'booster' phase which delivers targetted and stronger rays on the affected area.  I have the chance of starting this phase after a break of a few weeks.

I said I wanted to carry on and get it over with, although I did want to start on 26th so I can have a break at Xmas.

I waited 90 minutes for the oncologist to arrive who saw me briefly, examined me and said I could carry on with the booster sessions after Xmas.  To be honest I'm disappointed in him.  I haven't seen him for a month and he was very cursory and not very serious.  I think, though, that he wanted to be quick as I said I had to get to work. 

 Rushed home, rushed to work and rushed home for a session with the kine.

I was very tempted to cancel my class but I put my make up on and went out there.  The students were quite funny today.

Today I am grateful for lots of things:-
- the trainee (the not very serious one) who fetched the hand towel to dry my eyes with
- GG who came by and picked me up after the session
- dinner out with my two lovely friends
- a delicious escalope au citron with penne
- my work because if I'd stayed at home I would have gotten really depressed
- my two male colleagues that said 'you just need to remember that you are sexy' and 'oh you look great'  Not feelin' either but it's nice to hear it.
- And I am very grateful for the vigilance and reactivity of the kind radiotherapy staff.  I feel embarrassed about crying but I really could not help it.

Radiotherapy # 20, 13 to go

I worked all day from 9h to 16h and the taxi picked me up at work for the journey to the hospital.  I waited a little while to be seen but the session passed quickly once I was seen with the experienced staff this evening;  I was the last appointment of the day.

I was shocked to see when I looked at my side in the mirror in the changing room because my underarm and side are now very dark brown so the redness which is like a sunburn is really starting to have the appearance of a burn now.  My lymph node scar has become ugly - angry red and brown and painful.  I slathered on Biafine but the whole chest and breast is red, itchy and tingly.

I am exhausted and I have a stomach ache.  I started cooking and my only big casserole dish exploded on the cooker with the food in it, I was already crying with what, I don't know, tiredness, fed up-ness, emotion, pain, I just don't know, when the children came back from the pool.  They saw I was sad immediately and gave me huge hugs and kisses, dh didn't, he sounded like he'd had enough of me, which made me sadder.  I just wanted a hug.  He just kept saying 'what's wrong, what's wrong?'

Today I'm grateful for the support of my colleagues at work, although I did a day's work fair and square, but they are understanding and  I'm grateful for the fact that GG was too tired himself to chatter away on the way home so I could stare out of the window.

Trying on bras

I've been sort of keen but very apprehensive about this activity since my operation.

Before I used to buy 3 bras per year - one black, one nude and one white or maybe a colourful one, from either Bravissimo (shops for girls with big tits) or Debenhams where they usually have very nice, homely ladies to fit you and an excellent selection for larger breasted ladies.

Well, things have changed to say the least.

I spent around a month in my post surgery bra - a monstrous black nylon thing that became less and less tight as the swelling and bruising went down and ended up far too big for me and very uncomfortable.

I then graduated to two sports bras in thinnish material with no seams that were comfortable but gave no shape whatsoever, just a squashed and spreading appearance and with which I couldn't wear anything but high necked tops as the straps showed.

I was sort of looking forward to getting into a new bra because with big breasts there is nowhere in Paris I could shop for a bra without spending 70 - 100€ on a posh label.  I pictured myself in those little scraps of lace and patterns with bright colours adorning my new chest, pushing up and together my baby sized breasts to give a small but perfect cleavage.

I couldn't have been any more wrong.

Firstly, the surgeon has forbidden me from buying bras with wiring until further notice because they will damage the scarring and rub on the delicate skin and apparently most of all, they will hurt.

Secondly, the oncologists have told me to wear cotton sports bras for the duration of the radiotherapy and a month or so afterwards so the skin can breathe, repair and it will not be too harsh on the burns.  I was told off by the oncologist last week as I had invested in a Genie bra (one white, one nude and one black) which was reccomended on various Cancer Care British websites, for the duration of the radiotherapy, particularly as it has no seams and gives some support.  The great thing is also that the bras have little pockets and pads you can put in them so I could boost my meagre cleavage to give some shape under my clothes and place the pads to even out the size of the breasts.  Not ideal as there was still a sports bra squash effect, but better than the surgical bra for sure.

http://www.geniebra.com/

http://www.geniebra.com/seamless-bra.php  here's the bra I got.

Unfortunately it's not made of cotton and this was heating my skin and making the burns more uncomfortable says the doctor, so that has been put to the side for the moment.

I re-found my old sports bra in cotton with a thick band underneath and no seams and I've been wearing it since.  It's not tight and doesn't rub nor irritate.  However, the cups are baggy to say the least and just remind me what I've lost.  I have no shape at all under my clothes and I look pathetic (in the real sense of the word) if I look at myself in the mirror.  The radiotherapy has shrunk my left breast (as expected and warned by the surgeon side effect) and I am very lop-sided now.  It is excruitiatingly sad for me to be in this state.

I did venture into the bra trying on territory with my pal Steph, who was lovely and supportive and kind and brought me all sorts of cute things to the changing rooms.  Sadly mostly cute things that didn't fit as, although I have virtually no breasts, I still have a very broad (some may say fat) back and have plenty of fat under my arms which were sort of part of my old breasts but has been left there, so it sticks out.  Sorry if this is tmi.  I manged to try on the bras without having to look at my body by turning my back to put them on and turning to face the mirror when it was fitted, although the ugly scars did protrude out from the side too, spoiling the effect of the dainty-ness.

So my dream of the lacy, pretty pushed up came crashing down.  I did find that the moulded cups went some way to disguising my mutilation and evened up the size difference, but the fatty stick outs did not help.  Also, the pretty lacy things only go up to 36 and 38 was hard to find.

I had another go myself in Galeries Lafayette on a quiet Monday morning; they have a good selection of bras.  I found one lacy bra by Triumph which looked acceptable and managed to tuck in the fatty sides,  but it just made me look boyish and flat.  The pretty lace looked incongrous on my flat chest, like I was cross dressing somehow.  I cried so hard in that changing room.

Things were not good this weekend as I sat opposite an accquaintance, who had good sized breasts and a very low top on, for a long meal.  She was not trying to make me feel bad I think, in fact I imagine that she probably didn't give what I thought a second glance but her breasts glaring out at me in stark contrast with my flat, scarf covered chest (the scarf which I had to take off as it got too hot and I felt very exposed) made me super self conscious and depressed.  I would have been flaunting my best feature like her a few months ago and now I have nothing to offer in that department, or any other in fact.

And now this afternoon I tried to find a cotton sports bra (I don't think they exist, they are all breathable, plastic neon things with halter backs it seems).  I tried on those that had the highest cotton count and they were too small or looked absolutely ridiculous.  Tears were again dripping down my face with black streaky mascara, making my eyes puffy and small in the changing room.  I wanted to smash the mirror.

I was expecting a miracle I think, put a bra on and all will look like the adverts.  My chance to wear a Wonderbra.

Well the miracle didn't come and it's not coming.  I don't know where this leaves me apart from in a mess in my head and very unhopeful and massively self conscious and depressed.  I don't see that I'll ever be able to come to terms with this change.  I had a dream about my old breasts last night.  This is really killing me.

Iron Lady

Someone very kind took the trouble to drive from South Paris to our house, pick up a basket of ironing and delivered it back all crisp and ironed this evening.

THIS is what I'm grateful for today!

Wise words from a wise man about anything in life including radiotherapy or cancer or anything

Radiotherapy # 19, 14 to go

I was early today and hoped to be see asap but in fact was seen 15 mins after my appointment.  I was keen to get home and finish preparing my lessons for work today.  One of the radiotherapy students had to place me so it took longer than normal.  He is very cool and laidback this one (and pleasant and polite) and the experienced manipulators (women) were giving him a really hard time whilst instructing him today, in the nicest possible way.  I found it hard not to smile to myself.  He still has a lot to learn.

I explained that I was starting to burn and one of the manipulators advised me to change my cream to Biafine instead of Dexeryl so I bought some this evening.  If the Biafine doesn't work they have another cream that's even better she told me.  I explained that I'd read something about burning on the internet and I was told off because she explained that most people were more worried about what might happen in terms of burning than what actually happened and it makes the radiation more fearful than needs be for most people,  and that I should not scare myself.

I was nervous today as it was the most intensive teaching day I'd done since my operation - 3 lessons back to back and two of them 3rd years, who I find are more challenging.  On the RER on the way to work, I really felt like crying; I'm not sure why exactly, just the apprehension and tiredness there already.  I'd already taken two painkillers by then (mid morning) because of the pain.

I paced myself and spent more time sitting down during the lessons that I would normally (I'm usually on my feet most of the time).  And then the day was finished!

I slept for 2 hours on the sofa when I got home after applying my new Biafine, which is indeed very unctous and gave me great relief, and changing into my pj top which is non restrictive and made of cotton.

Today I was grateful for a job where I can sit down if I need to and I was grateful for a cup of tea and being able to put my feet up at the end of the day.

So, all I want for Christmas is

Breast Cancer Care Gift Baskets

I was browsing some Etsy sites and quite by chance I came across this page.  I never knew this kind of thing existed - only in the US....  I have received some lovely gifts which have all been very thougthful and very much appreciated,  so if you know a woman who might be needing a bit of a treat because of cancer, this might give you some ideas.  Some are very cute, a couple a wee bit ott to say the least!  Cancer gifts are not that easy to think of - so if you have this conundrum and you're looking for someone you know, here's the answer!

http://www.etsy.com/search?q=breast%20cancer%20gift%20baskets&view_type=gallery&ship_to=ZZ

This one is cute I think, comfort in a bowl.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/74597610/comfort-in-a-bowl-pink?ref=sr_gallery_21&ga_search_query=breast+cancer+gift+baskets&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=ZZ&ga_search_type=all

The Tutu Project

Here's a mad project to raise money for women being treated for breast cancer in the States, especially women who are uninsured for healthcare.  You can even buy your favourite print.

http://www.viralnova.com/tutu-cancer-pictures/

Watch the video they seem really nice, loving people.

and their website where you can purchase the prints to raise money

http://www.thetutuproject.com/about/

Radiotherapy # 18, 15 to go

It was long today, once again they had to take some pictures to ensure that the correct area was being treated and I was left in the room raised very high for quite some time as they checked.  I had begun to worry a bit as it was so long.  I'm beginning to feel the rays I think, or something on my skin on the second point of radiotherapy on my side, it's stiff and sore.

I saw the doctor today and she firstly suggested I change my bra to a cotton one with no padding - not so pretty (well hell, it's only a Genie bra, like a sports bra so it's not exactly pretty, how unpretty can you get?) but more comfortable apparently.  I'll have to find one somewhere.  And she told me I have 1st degree burns on my side, under my arm, on my lymphedema scar and covering the left hand side of my breast.  It is beginning to be painful and I was forced to put the cream on as soon as I got home and change into my pjamas which are loose.

This is not good with 3 weeks to go, I could end up with quite nasty burns if it keeps going this way:-(

Today I'm grateful to GG the taxi driver for telling me a funny story that made me laugh loudly and to the vietnamese manipulator who tried her rusty English on me.

Kind Kine

kinésithérapeute 

Définition du mot Kinésithérapeute : Le kinésithérapeute est un professionnel de santé qui pratique la kinésithérapie. Cette spécialité consiste en l'utilisation de mouvements actifs et passifs (mobilisation des membres, massages, électricité) dans un but thérapeutique et de rééducation.

or in English, physiotherapist

My arm was still hurting when I last saw the doctor and the scar for the lymph nodes was inflamed.  The whole arm was swollen on Saturday and I had bad pins and needles in my fingers.  The oncologist at the hospital gave me a prescription for 20 sessions with a physio to get full movement in my arm and stop the swelling.  What they are most worried about when lymph nodes have been removed is lymphedema http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lymphedema 

Actually I wish I hadn't read that wilkipedia link!  There are some pretty nasty pictures of advanced lymphedema and it looks like I'll have to wear some special apparatus when I fly in a plane from now on - yikes!  And the rate of development of lymphedema after cancer surgery seems to be very high (up to 89%).

 Anyway in an attempt to avoid this, I made an appointment to see a physiotherapist.  I had been advised to see one that can do manual drainage of swellings, otherwise if it's dealt with by a nurse or some other physios, the drainage is called a 'punction' which involves a large needle drawing off fluid.  I've had enough of needles for the moment.

I was a bit nervous, this is, again, another new experience for me.  I had checked that this guy did manual drainage and I'd chosen a physio just at the end of my road, not too hard to get to.

 He examined me (I could keep my bra on, hurrah!) and started massaging certain points and manipulating my arm and shoulders very very gently whilst chatting to me.  He seemed pretty gruff and no nonsense but I liked it that he had a laid back little waiting area with a fountain and classical music playing and his diplomas displayed.  He was wearing jeans and a shirt, very relaxed.  It hurt when he started rubbing certain points and I had to tell him when it didn't hurt any longer, which was quite quick.  He didn't push too hard or quickly but I did feel aching in my arm and fingers afterwards, which is normal apparently.

The session was not too long and he reccomended two per week, so that will last for 10 weeks.  He didn't think I had a high risk of getting lymphedema and he was hopeful to get full mobility in my left arm eventually.  He also said he'd get me to stop rolling my shoulders and hunching them up.  I said my Mum's been trying to do that for years so good luck to you!

As I left he shook my hand and said 'it's ok to cry you know, let it all out'.  I have no idea where that came from but it was a really kind and insightful thing to say.  So I've been having a little cry from time to time since.

It is so nice to have a medical treatment in a more normal atmosphere, relaxed and gentle after the stark, antiseptic, white, hard space and the aggresive treatment in the hospital.

 

 

 

 

Radiotherapy # 17, 16 to go

Over the half way mark!  All went to plan today.  GG's wife took me to the hospital as he wasn't available.  She's nice.

Today I am grateful to GG's wife for taking me to the hospital and for making me promise to her that I would put the Christmas tree up, even though it is the last thing I want to do (all I can think of is that I'll have to clear it up and put it away in a few weeks)

I did put the tree up, WE did, the kids and I.  And we enjoyed it.  Maybe the Christmas spirit touched us a little this evening.

The Battle We Didn't Choose

My Wife's Battle with Breast Cancer

A heartbreaking, touching record from a bereaved husband.

http://mywifesfightwithbreastcancer.com/

Yes they always say 'choose your battles wisely', but it's hard to come to terms with being forced to engage in a battle that you didn't choose, a path you didn't want to tread, a cause you'd rather not be involved in personally, vocabulary that you'd prefer that hadn't had to learn, going to places you never thought you'd go to, doing things you never thought you'd do, feeling things you've never felt before, saying words that you never thought you'd have to say, living with things that you never thought possible.

It's hard to understand why this battle has chosen you and why you have to follow this road - not in a 'poor me, it's not fair' type of way, (although there have been those moments of feeling very sorry for myself I admit) but a genuine puzzlement about why this has come, searching desparately for a meaning and a purpose in it all, grappling with it all, wanting to know why you've been forced to open that door.

I try not to think about this too much because I don't think there is an answer and I think in pursuing this line of thought, there lies only guilt, sadness, chlchés and madness.   If pushed I think the answer is that which was given to me by my Swedish friend Anna when we were struggling with terminating our first pregnancy because the baby would have been very ill.  She said in a very loving way, 'stop searching Claire, you'll never find an answer, all you need to know is 'Shit Happens'.

That's the only answer I can find.

“To the dumb question "Why me?" the cosmos barely bothers to return the reply: why not?”
― Christopher Hitchens, Mortality

Radiotherapy # 16, 17 to go

We are nearly half way, at that point where the plus is less than the minus.  The point on your mortgage where you are paying more capital than interest.  A certain relief but still, a mountain to climb and they tell me the second half is the worst.  We'll see.  The manipulators were kind, as usual and the sugary mint tea from the Ligue Contre le Cancer was very welcome.

I went to work after dropping off mil at the train station and it was quite tiring at work - this class is not difficult just hard to get into an animated state so I find myself walking around a lot, moving, being enthusiastic which took it out of me today.

After picking the children up from school I lay down under my lovely blanket and slept for 90 minutes.  I was shattered.

Alexandra's Mum came round tonight and dropped off a chicken dinner for tomorrow and a huge bag of satsumas - yummy and just what I'll be needing tomorrow to save cooking; the tiredness is catching up on me.

We shared a litle glass of champagne as we were celebrating dh's personal success at work which he found out about yesterday; he achieved it with no thanks to my help during the last couple of months for sure.  Well done him and great to get some good news for a change.

I'm afraid my breast has been really hurting today - very painful pangs inside some making me really start in pain and the skin has been itchy and the scar under my arm has been very painful and tugging.  Finally this evening I realised the skin on the breast has turned red and is sore and is itchy as I write.  I'm really disappointed now we are exactly half way and the burns are coming, despite all the care I've taken to try to avoid it - washing before with the right soap, taking the homeopathic medcine and applying the cream painstakingly every night.  Grrr.  it's a bit depressing that I have to face the same again but with the pain and burning this time, it will be a very high mountain to climb:-(

Anyway here's a photo of the satsumas to cheer up this post.

Radiotherapy # 15, 18 to go

Nearly half way!  Again, it was longer today although I was seen immediately as they took a picture to check the area being treated.  There were 4 people buzzing aroung me in the room which was weird and one manipulator did pick up that I was uncomfortable when I lay down.

I was very dizzy with my head turning like I'd drunk a couple bottles of wine.  I've been having dizzy spells like this for about a week now so I'll speak to the doctor about them.  I'm not sure it's related to the radiotherapy.

Also, it was strangely painful when during the treatment of my left side (I get treated on both sides) as the rays hit my skin today.  I wonder if the burns are coming....Anyway it's done for today.  mil came with me and seemed to cope ok with being in an oncology department (her husband died of cancer 5 years ago).  I wasn't sure she'd be ok but she was.

'Manda the fox came round with a lovely meal and chocolates and pastries which were gobbled up by my kids at gôuter time, and we had a good chat, it helped, really, to see her and just chat about normal things.

Things I'm grateful for today:

Spagetti with honey chicken, homemade pastries and chocolates (but I think that's something my children are more grateful for, i'm gonna fight for those chocs! see photo)

Chatting and two lovely cards that arrived this morning, one pretty Xmas card with cinema tickets in - we all want to go and see Amazonia so that will be great.  Thank you Hammanvirgin!  And for the funny, spotty cute dog too, thank you Madame H!

And lastly and not leastly, cocktails with friends at night:-))

Radiotherapy # 14, 19 to go

I was nervous today because it would be the first time I had done a radiotherapy session and worked afterwards.  As it was, I needn't have been anxious.  Radiotherapy passed as usual.  It took longer as they took a picture of the treated area to ensure it was correct which meant I was 'in position' for much longer, which hurts my arm and shoulder.  I had time to come home and tidy up because my mil was arriving that night and she doesn't like a mess (tough, this time, love!)  still, the living room is acceptable and her bedroom is clean-ish with fresh Lenor-smelling bedlinen, what more could a girl want?

I had one class still on work experience so I only taught two back to back, which was a relief because even in normal times Friday is pretty challenging.  And it was fine, love the students and enjoyed forgetting about everything else for a few hours, although I was pretty knackered after the last student finally left the room.  Then went to pick up mil.

Managed to get her to go to watch swimming whilst I had a little downtime and enjoyed a visit from the lovely Lisa and her cute as a button girls, so it was nice to chat.  She had ever so kindly brought us a bottle of Pulco (my favourite drink apart from champagne), croissants for tomorrow, a baguette and a fabulous Jamie Oliver inspired chicken pie, minted peas and carrots.

This was such a godsend not having to cook or even think about cooking after a pretty tiring day, relatively full, according to my new standards of activity.

Things I was grateful for today:

The bus driver who, on the bus to go and get mil, gave me back my 2€ when I tried to buy a ticket and squeezed my hand saying don't worry about buying a ticket.  Not sure why, I don't think I was looking particularly poor or needy, but it was nice and the hand squeezing was weird but nice too.

The fabulous chicken pie!

Chicken Pie
(Adapted from Jamie's 30-Minute Meals)

500g free-range chicken (you can use breast or thigh)
a knob of butter
1 bunch of spring onions
150g button mushrooms
1 heaped tsp plain flour (plus extra for dusting)
2 tsp English mustard
1 tbsp creme fraiche
300ml chicken stock
a few sprigs of thyme
1/2 a nutmeg, grated
1 sheet of pre-rolled puff pastry
1 egg
salt & pepper
extra virgin olive oil.

"Pre-heat the oven to 200°C. Chop up the button mushroom and spring onions and slice the chicken into strips or bite-sized chunks.

Heat a lug of olive oil and a knob of butter in a heavy-based pan over a medium heat. Add the chicken and cook for a few minutes. Add the mushrooms and spring onions to the pan with a tablespoon of plain flour and give it all a good stir. Mix in two teaspoons of English mustard, a generous tablespoon of creme fraiche and 300ml of good chicken stock (though I have used a stock pot and it was fine). Finally add some picked thyme leaves and a good grating of nutmeg, season with sea salt and pepper. Leave simmering on the stove whilst you sort out your pastry.

When I say 'sort out your pastry' of course I simply mean get it out of the fridge and unroll onto a dry lightly floured work surface. Using a knife, lightly criss-cross the surface.

Once your chicken filling has thickened up slightly, tip it into a ovenproof baking dish slightly smaller than the sheet of pastry. Cover the filling with the sheet of pastry; don't worry about the edges, just tuck them in around the filling.

Bake on the top shelf of the oven for around 15 minutes, or until gorgeously browned.

If you want to go all the way Jamie, serve alongside peas and smashed carrots."

Do try this at home!

Radiotherapy # 13, 20 to go

I am well pissed off!  The taxi was a whacking 45 mins late (again).  GG did let me know, but nearly at the time when he was due to arrive, leaving me no time to change my plans and ask dh to come home early to take me.  I let the radiotherapy dept know and they were very nice although my arrival was near to their closure at 18h.  If he had called me earlier I could have even taken the bus and train myself and arrived on time.

I shared the taxi with another radiotherapy client who was on his way home but was obliged to pick me up and drop me off first.  Poor guy had cancer in his jaw and had had his jaw practically rebuilt and was doing kine to learn how to open it and eat again.  He was also now doing radiotherapy.  I'm sure the last thing he wanted to do was pick me up and elongate his day.  He was very very nice but it was difficult to understand what he said, but we did have a conversation.  GG said that Thursdays were 'delicate' and could I not move my sessions to the morning?  That would mean I had to go in to see the dr on a Saturday morning so I flatly refused as I wanted the weekends off from medical appointments.

I arrived so late, which I was embarrassed about and the doctor had left for the day so I didn't get the weekly consultation (I am having more pain and redness at the edge of my other breast and stomach problems so I wanted to discuss them) and I wanted my ordonnonce for the cure in February, which she was planning to give to me today.  The actual session went fine but when I called the taxi to come home, he was still taking the other guy home and wouldn't arrive for at least 25 mins (make that 40 in taxi speak), so I disturbed dh and the kids to beg for a lift home.  GG sounded hacked off to lose the fare and just said 'oh you can sign the fare sheet tomorrow then'.

dh is going to try to work out something so I don't have to be at the vagaries of GG on a Thursday.  It' not the first time we've had this problem on this day.

This is just the end to a day when I was so flat out I dropped the children at school at 8h30 and went straight back to bed until noon.  I did absolutely nothing today apart from my medical appointments and I cancelled a night out with my friends because I was so tired.  A real bleergh day.

Today I am grateful, nevertheless - for a good appointment with the listening brunette psychologist who told me that it's no use having a nice pair of tits in a coffin (not her exact words obviously) when I talked about the mtg with the surgeon this week.  We discussed stuff I've been working on and worried about and although the appointment finished with me crying, it was good appointment.

Radiotherapy # 12, 21 to go

Arrived early and waited quite a while as the yellow door machine was not working so there was a back up of radiotherapees/clients/patients?  My appointment was late, so much more than usual that GG came downstairs to look for me.

I had a chance to chat to a couple of people whilst waiting.  It's quite delicate as to how much to ask people about their illness so I don't ask anything specific.  One woman was on her 3rd session after finishing chemotherapy.  She said she felt more tired doing the radiotherapy than the chemo, which she wasn't expecting.

I got blocked in the changing room, couldn't get out and a nurse snapped at me 'we're not ready for you yet' when I had to knock on the door to get out.  Then it was into the really cold blue door with four operators buzzing around placing me;  It was very weird to be lying there absolutely still half naked like a piece of meat whilst all these people were doing stuff around me.  It felt a bit miserable.  The trainee was nice though.

Today I'm grateful that I am not the dance teacher who has had chemo and now radiotherapy and was going to work after her session and I'm grateful that I'm not the napping lady who is clearly fighting for her life whilst having chemo and radio at the same time 'because it's more effective'.

Radiotherapy # 11, 22 to go

The Christmas decorations have been put up in the Oncology department.  Baubles on the changing room doors, tinsel on the doors and a Christmas tree.  Seems a little strange but it's nice of whoever made the effort.

All went to plan yesterday.  The trainee is back.

I had the children for lunch today with their friends so that was fun for them.

Today I'm grateful to have seen my children running back to school in the cold, sharp weather with the winter sunshine glinting on their heads and to see them smiling and giggling with joy.

New Sexyy games for me and dh?

It's been a month since I saw the surgeon and this evening we had an appointment with him.  I asked dh to go because I was scared that he'd make me look in his big mirror and I am not yet ready to look at my breasts on my body so dh was well briefed as to how to deal with the situation should it come up.  Obviously I have to look down on them when I wash but I don't want to see them on my body yet, it's just too hard already with the change in size, to see these small pathetic things on my front, but to actually look at these ugly things on my body, I don't want to get even more down about it so I don't look.  This is my way of dealing with it.

In fact he didn't try (maybe because dh was there, maybe not).  He did later suggest that I contacted the listening blonde because she might be able to help me with coming to terms with things.

He just looked at my breasts, felt them and noticed that the left was going red because of the radiotherapy.  He also mentioned that the scars on the left would heal more quickly as the therapy actually helps the healing process.  He suggested, jokingly, getting some on the right to get rid of the scars.

I explained that the flesh under the scars is very lumpy and hard and he suggested I massaged it with a moisturising cream.  'In fact you could massage them or you could ask your husband to do so'.  Now there's a great suggestion for a romantic, sexy game 'would you like to massage my partical mastectomy scars?'  Keep it to yourself, everyone will want some of it!

We talked about the future and I said that I was very much looking forward to seeing him again in the operating theatre for the breast augmentation and this is the one thing that is keeping me going to January 2015.    To be honest I don't know how I'm going to make it that far with these strange little breasts, especially the summer but I have no choice.

He explained that the proposed operation would be two or three sessions where he would take fat from my abdomen, put it in a centrifuge and reinject it into my breasts to even them out and give them more volume.  This would be done under general anesthetic and I would be in and out the same day.

HOWEVER, there was a however!  He has to firstly approve the operations, to check the skin is sufficiently elastic then he had to pass it for the approval of the oncology committee who might refuse.  Mainly because the fat injections would bring with them naturally occuring calcifications from the abdomen fat to the breasts and this might interfere with the surveillance for the return of the cancer.  So, they may prefer to keep the breasts as they are so that I can be sure I don't have any return of the cancer and not complicate things with the addition of more calcifications (non cancerous but they would show up on scans or mris as calcifications).  He said they have to think of health over aesthetics.  He also said that in his opinion they breasts were pretty good in terms of shape.  Well, it's flattering that he thinks so and I can't judge because I haven't seen them, but they are so small compared to my body and my body will never be in proportion.  I know he has to not promise something that isn't 99% sure but I thought it was a sure thing.

I was pretty gutted to hear this news although I had read already that this calcification matter was a complication for this type of operation.  But you know, as I'm writing this, I feel pretty angry that even my lovely, pretty kind surgeon might have lied (well misled me in any case) because I was pretty much led to believe that this operation that can take place only one year after the day of my last radiotherapy session, was something that I was entitled to and there would be no question that this would take place, no obstacles.  See my theory about doctors lying is proved yet again....

Readers, this is the ONLY thing getting me through this (apart from the short term very much welcome cure) in the long term, this is the only ray of sunshine that I can see, my only chance to have a reasonably normal appearance.  He said not to worry about it for the moment, just to get better.  But I hope you understand that I really need this to keep me going.  Lots of people have said 'maybe when you get to Jan 2015 you won't want the operations and I tell that of course I will want them' - they don't understand because they have not lived this horrible experience of losing something so primordial to them.

I'm a bit disenchanted and not ready to give up this fight.  I will go somewhere else and pay for the operation myself if needs be, frankly, if I can find someone to do it.  That's how I feel right now.  Like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet.

dh thinks the surgeon is really really kind and could not be nicer.  Next appointment 3 months after the radiation has finished.

Radiotherapy # 10, 23 to go

Taxi arrived early, I arrived in a full waiting room before my appointment but I was seen almost immediately and first!  I always feel bad when this happens, I can only guess that the other patients have appointments due after my own.  I hope so anyway.  I always make a point of saying hello to every single person in the waiting room and saying goodbye to those who are there when I get out.  I think it's important that we show some solidarity together.  We are all there for the same shitty reason, so why not exchange a small courteous word?

There was another trainee today.  He seemed more self assured than the last one and that gave me confidence in him.  Another lesson for life - look like you know what you're doing and people will trust you and believe you!

True to everything I'd read and heard, my breast is starting to hurt.  I've had bad pins and needles in the left from time to time right from the start.  It is starting to go red now, however.  This can lead to quite serious burns and I'm a little disappointed as I'm doing all I can to stave off the burns but the redness is starting already.  With so many sessions to go, I'm worried about what state i'll be in when I've finished the next 23 sessions.  We'll see won't we?  I can't do anything more than what I'm doing now.

My scars have been on the left have been hurting too right at the end.

Thing to be grateful for today: the smile and acknowledgement from the trainee and the manipulator when I came in the room and their concern for me when they asked what side effects I was having and GG for dropping me off in the centre of Paris so I could get out of the house on this sunny day.

And my lovely friends with whom I shared a meal this evening.