How far would you travel for a nipple?

Here's a man who's found his niche market!

This touching 5 minute video shows the story of a feisty woman who had a double mastectomy and her visit to Vinnie Myers in Maryland.

Vinnie is not a doctor or surgeon but a tattoo artist who seems like a pretty cool guy and he specialises in creating 3D nipple tattoos for women who have had a mastectomy.  I have heard that in hospital, after a reconstruction by implant, women are offered stickers to replace their nipples and eventually tattoos if they wish.  The problem is that it's not necessarily a speciality for plastic surgeons and they have difficulty in matching the colour of a remaining nipple in the case of a unilateral mastectomy or the creating something with a natural look as they have around just 12 pigments to choose from.  Vinne hand mixes the pigments and tries to match it as well as possible to the skin colour and original nipple colour.

As the patient says, "there's a lot of bad nipples out there".

Apparently, people have flown in from as far as Dubai to 'get a Vinnie' and his tattoo parlour does 1500 - 2000 nipples per year and is at full capacity.  He was about to give up the nipple business when he received a call telling him that his sister had breast cancer, so he felt this was a sign to continue his work, even though he finds it less artistically challenging that the classic tattoos.  He now works with several US hospitals.

As the woman in the story says, nipples are a taboo subject but she just wanted to "look normal again".  Trying to see the light in small things, her little dance of happiness at the end is poignant and the moment is bittersweet, but she was happy with her new nipples and good for her searching out the best, despite the long journey.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Egq2qnnXSPY

Vinnie has plenty of links if you Google him.  Here's an impressive set of his work and before and after photos.

http://community.breastcancer.org/blog/qa-with-vinnie-myers-3d-nipple-tattoo-specialist/

It frightens me to know how close I came to not having a nipple on the left breast where the tumour was.  The surgeon had to take off so much tissue and skin that he was forced to take away the part of my breast where the nipple was, so he grafted the nipple back on during the operation.  It's not the same as the right hand side.  There is absolutely no feeling in it and it's paler than the right and not perfectly shaped, but it's mine and it looks real!  I was not prepared for this, it was a terrible shock to know that he'd done this.  I wish he had prepared me if he could have anticipated this.  It was one of the first things he told me once I'd come round.  At that point I felt completely numb and shocked, but looking back on it, I feel very shivery and sad and pretty angry that I had to go through that.  I envy you your nipples!

9 months post surgery

Time creeps on and I find myself 9 months away from that horrible day and that 5 and a half hour operation.  9 months today exactly.

If you're reading this and are about to embark on your own dance with cancer, I hope that this gives you hope that there is life after cancer, because I've found that there is!  The realisation has come slowly and in jumps and starts, gradually, but there are more days when I believe it than there are days when I don't believe it and I'm thrust back into those black thoughts, concerns and days of anguish.

I'm still seeing a psychologist weekly.  It's helping me with getting on and dealing with issues that were there before the cancer and have reared their head and are proving a barrier to constructing a new life.  The Listening Brunette is still in my corner, telling me truths when I need to hear them and helping me make sense of the fuzz that is my thought process.

That said, I'm in a mode right now where I am scared that the cancer will come back.  I was had terrible dizziness yesterday and breathlessness and was scared.  I think it will always come back to the cancer now, whereas before I was more likely to brush things off as a cold or tiredness (which in reality was probably what it was).  As I say, it goes in fits and starts.

The good news is that I have actually looked at both of my breasts - on Sunday before La Journée Glamour.  I was brushing my teeth and noticed that my chest was showing in the mirror.  I have the habit, since the operation, of looking away and not seeing that glance in the strategically positioned mirror, it's become an automatic reponse.  But on Sunday, I thought well, let's look, today is a fresh start so why not do this as well?  I'd already plucked up the courage to look at the right breast alone and that was more ugly and weird than I thought.  The left was ok, just ok, not pretty or natural but the scars were mabye less evident than I thought (I have only been feeling them whilst putting on Bio Oil every night, so maybe they feel larger than they are) and the grafted nipple very pale because I guess it hasn't got blood flow?  I haven't yet looked at myself naked and looked at my 'breasts' on my body.  It will come.  I still don't consider them as breasts, just lumps of fat and certainly not sexy, not at all, nowhere near, never again........

My new bra was a turning point psychologically (that's another post) but it does mean I can wear lower cut tops and even (gasp), show a tiny cleavage.  It has helped me enormously to move on.

Physically I still have pain on the scars, particularly on the left hand side and some of the scars are numb and raised despite the Bio Oil.  No underarm hair on the left radiated armpit.  Still stained brown but maybe slightly lighter than before.

I have embarked on a modest exercise plan: an abdominal plan which increases every day for a month and almost every day I do 1200 steps on my stepper with some arm and shoulder exercises.  I also get on my bike quite frequently.  My body has changed thanks to this, I think.  My arms are slightly firmer (still bingo wings and I'm no Michelle Obama!) my legs are a better shape for sure.  My tummy has gone down and so has my muffin top (but nowhere near enough).   I'm a work in progress.

I'm eating much less and much better than before.  Not perfect, but a real change and I drink plenty of green tea and very little tea or coffee (not been a problem at all to change that).  I have lost a tiny bit of weight, really tiny considering the lifestyle changes I've made, but maybe muscle does weigh more than fat????!

My periods stopped  3 months ago with the Tamoxifen.  I have hot flushes now and again, some during the day now as before it was only nightly.  They are, for the moment, copeable.  My taste buds have changed - I have gone off crisps!  This is a revelation!  They were my favourite 'sin' food since I've been really small, but I don't like them so much these days.  And I don't like very strongly flavoured food, as in, food that tastes artificial.  Maybe this is the pills, maybe this is the new eating plan.  I am simply not attracted to the things I was before.  I also don't like so many brightly coloured clothes, which is a shame as I loved bright colours before so my wardrobe is full of them.

And clothes, yes, I am chucking out clothes on a daily basis.  Too big, far too big for me.  Some things make me hugely sad to discard - a pretty expensive jacket that I purchased for my neice's wedding only 2 years ago - miles too big.  I may try to get it altered.  But I am chucking with abandon.  Maybe it's my body that's changed (no tits and a smaller body) or maybe it's my attitude, I'm not sure.

I'm also chucking out things from the house too.  I am much more cut throat in my decluttering.

I have joint pains sometimes (Tamoxifen) and sometimes nauseau (Tamoxifen?) and for sure, I am much more tired than I used to be and more likely to give in the towel and go to bed than snooze on the sofa and try to stay awake.  I have less physical strength and I tire much more easily.  Less is possible but still, something is possible!

I also have, since I started taking Tamoxifen, a nasty aftertaste in my mouth at all times, which is unpleasant and particularly 'yuck' if I'm thirsty.  And my nails are very fragile, so I'm continuing to take a supplement and looking after them, which at least seems to make them flake and break less.

I am concerned about the upcoming 8 weeks holiday as I have no teaching and may find myself at a loose end with 2 bored kids so I'm trying to plan for that, rather than fall into a depressive state.

My work is still uncertain, not because I had cancer, but because I was made redundant last August and haven't replaced that work, I haven't felt confident enough to apply for the few part time jobs that are out there, but there are new things in the pipeline and I'm waiting to see what comes to fruition for September.

I feel like my life is divided into 'before cancer and after cancer', but it's not the only division I've experienced, there's 'before and after France, before and after kids' for example, it's good to be able to see that this is not the only division or big change that's happened in my life and that that's what it is, a change, to assimilate and not the end of the world.  I'm still a work in progress and sometimes I fall but I get back up and life goes on but I'm grateful that I have a life to go on with.

La Journée Glamour!

I heard about this day at the Seminar at Gustave Roussy with my friend.

It's a day specifically for women who have had cancer and subsequent treatments and who finished their treatments at least 3 months ago.  The Day is organised in several French cities throughout the year and run and financed by an Association called Clairs Horizons whose goals are:-

«promouvoir, d’entreprendre et de soutenir toutes activités liées au développement et à la promotion des relations humaines et à la communication.

Et particulièrement  pratiquer, promouvoir ou entreprendre  toute action ou activité visant à informer, encourager ou soutenir les personnes atteintes ou ayant été atteintes du cancer et /ou leur entourage.»

Loosely translated; "To promote and undertake all activities linked with the development or promotion of human relations and communication and in particular practise, promote and undertake all actions or activities which inform or support people who have or have had cancer, or their family or friends." 

The Day has two objectives

1. For women to regain their self-confidence and their femininity.

2. To communicate advice about nutrition and exercise.

The Day was ran by Nathalie Stamoulis (see biography in this link)

http://www.lajourneeglamour.com/#!qui-sommes-nous-/c9vn

who looked absolutely radiant and sophisticated in her beautiful pink dress.

Here's how the Glamour Day is described on the website:-

http://www.lajourneeglamour.com/#!droulement-de-la-journe/c1e1d

I applied for a place on the Day back in May and was a bit worried that I hadn't heard anything, but was delighted when finally the confirmation of my place came through.  It was something I was really looking forward to and I proudly told my friends about it.  I was seeing as a fresh start, a new step in the right direction and I was really excited about being pampered!

The Day was held at a 4* hotel, Hotel Regina, in central Paris.  It's an old, traditional hotel of the classic style with a pretty terrace.  Even the loos were pretty!

The day kicked off with coffee and tea and water (on one of the hottest days of summer so far).  Nathalie explained how the Day would unfold and opened with a Group Share.  I didn't feel confident enough to speak out in front of everyone (there were about 20-30 women there) and it was hard to hear, so I listened as well as I could to everyone elses story.  There were some shocking, sad stories and it was an emotional time for both the women telling their story and those listening.  Nathalie's assistant went round the room with a box of tissues, dispensing them when necessary.  Everyone who wanted to speak got a chance and nobody interrupted; we all waited quietly if the speaker needed to cry.  It was a very privileged and intimate moment that we all shared.

I found listening to other stories very humbling.  They all seem much more unbearable and infinitely harder than my own and to be honest, I felt like a bit of an intruder as I felt my experience was nowhere near as bad as others' and I felt guilty that I had got off relatively lightly.  Nobody made me feel like that, only my own feelings were giving me that, it must be said.....best to address that with the Listening Brunette tomorrow!

Then Nathalie gave us some psychological tools and advice about how to cope with difficult times and how to think about cancer and our fears through a visualisation exercise, how to eat well, what to avoid and the importance of exercise.

After lunch, it was the exciting part!  I walked into the coffee room after lunch, which was abuzz with activity - on one side was a bank of hairdressers cutting and blowdrying the participants hair, on the other side, a bank of chairs at a long table chocca block full of make up, Payot skin care and girls' stuff with a line of participants being made up.

Whilst we waited our turn, we talked and exchanged experiences and snacked on delicious mini desserts (sorry didn't get a photo).  I was made up by a lovely young woman who spent a long time on my face and made my eyes really 'pop' with orange/gold make up and coral lipstick.  It really was very pretty and my neigbour complimented me!

Then, off to the hairdresser for a blow dry (I had had my hair cut on Thursday so no need for that).  After a surprisingly short blow dry, I was impressed by the volume the hairdresser had managed to give me.

Afterwards, I posed for the very charming photographer on the terrace.  He'll be sending me the photos by email and I can even ask him to Photoshop the bits I don't like!!  I also participated in a little demonstration of how to fix false eyelashes.  This is particularly important after chemotherapy as the patients frequently lose their eyelashes and sometimes they don't grow back or become a lot finer and sparse.  One lovely lady had a tumor in her eye and the false eyelashes really made a difference to her confidence.

After a group photo and thanks to all, we went home with a goodie bag with Sothys products and some very useful information sheets from La Ligue Contre le Cancer regarding eating and exercise.

Everybody during the Day was kind and friendly - the participants, the hairdressers, make up artists, the organisers, the hotel staff, the photographer.  It was really great that everyone was so open and willing to share their experiences and feelings.  It was all the more suprising as, coming from an Anglophone culture, I am well used to sharing my feelings with people I don't know, and laying myself open, but all the more suprising was I find that usually French people are much more reticent at opening up to strangers and it normally takes a long time for them to be honest and frank, but not today.  So, well done to the facilitator for setting the scene, making it safe to speak and encouraging everyone to share if they wished.  I had some very moving individual conversations over coffee which continued on the metro when we all went our separate ways home.

I think the most poignant thing of the day for me was hearing a young woman who kept her hat on all morning.  She cried a lot during the group share and when she spoke she said she didn't consider herself brave at all when compared to the rest of the women in the room, she thought she lacked courage.  She seemed very sad and later explained that before the chemotherapy she had had waist length hair which her father shaved off for her as it began to fall out; it was evidently a source of real grief for her.  She was a changed woman after the make up and hair.  She had found the courage to take off her hat and reveal her fine short brown hair which was shiny and curled around her face.  Her made up face was glowing and beautiful and she had a wide smile to match, she was delighted with her appearance.  As we kissed goodbye, I said 'lose the hat if you can', you are beautiful like that.  I hope she does.

It was a very good day.  Thank you to Clairs Horizons and all of those who participated and made La Journée Glamour possible.

Green Tea, new delivery!

 

I received a delivery of green tea today ordered from venteprivee.com where you can buy products from good brands at reduced prices.  I jumped on the site when I saw that Kusmi were having a sale!

Here are my purchases (from the top):-

Green Tea with Mint, Green tea with rose, strawberry green tea and almond green tea.

Plus a gorgeous silver tin with Wellness Teas (Detox, Boost, Be Cool, Euphoria, Sweet Love and Algotea - tea with seaweed)

I am coming to the end of a rather average box of Clipper tea (I feel a review coming on) so I am dying to get on and taste these goodies!

And just to remind you how great green tea is

benefits-of-green-tea-that-you-didnt-know-about

Anyone for a swim?

My friends pointed out this article in the Daily Mail.


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2638741/Who-says-need-two-Finnish-designers-create-new-swimwear-range-specifically-women-mastectomy.html

I think these costumes are absolutely horrible, unflattering and would make you an object of curiosity in the swimming pool or on the beach.

One of the designers said 'I do not want to hide, I do not want to stop swimming, I do not want to undergo extensive plastic surgery operations and I do not want to be forced to use the uncomfortable prosthesis on the beach'.  I get her, I do, I want the same but there are other ways of achieving it, what's wrong with a Speedo?

I think the costumes are radical and won't work because most people don't want to be radical or make a statement, they just want to be normal and look normal and even and not lopsided.  It's a choice to go there and decide to go topless on the beach when you've had a breast operation, and yes, of course, everyone should be accepted as they are.  But in reality that's not the case and most people just want to blend in.  And by the way, most mastectomy or breast operation scars are not neat like in the photos, they can be red, angry, raw, brown, raised and very apparent.  A scar is a scar.

Take these costumes away please, they are hurting my eyes!

The Mother Ship

A month or so ago, I found out that my friend who lives in the same small town as me had been diagnosed as having breast cancer.  I was really shocked - she's young and has 3 very young children.  And worse, she had to have a mastectomy and will start the first of 8 chemotherapy treatments soon, then she'll have to do radiotherapy.

Her diagnosis brought up all sorts of feelings for me and gave me a taste of what it was like to be on the other side of breast cancer - the supporters side.

As news came in from her day at the hospital where they did a biopsy and gave her the results immediately and the prognosis that it was cancer and then the whammy of the mastectomy, then the chemo to come, it brought back awful memories of that period when I was doing all those tests and waiting and waiting and fighting to get the right decision and feeling so out of control and shocked and sad and alone.

I offered my help in whatever way I could, of course, as did her other friends, and we have had quite a few exchanges, cups of tea and outings together.  I hope that by being able to share these things with her, it has helped her to not feel so alone as some of our conversations have been very graphic and down to earth, we've discussed some things that only people who have been through or who are living with the disease can understand.  I've also passed on some useful names and addresses of health care professionals that I found to be sympathetic and effective.

The day of her mastectomy and lymph node removal, I felt so deeply sad for her.  Not in a pitying way (this is the last thing she'd have wanted), but in a way that I felt sad in my very bones and my heart that she had this day where this horrible thing was going to happen to her, that she had to go through and that this was going to change her life.  I called a friend who also knew and we shared our feelings of sadness.  It felt pretty powerless too, waiting for the news, hoping she'd get through ok and that there wouldn't be any complications.  I imagined how my friends and family must have been feeling when that was happening to me.  It was truly a joyless day.

It did hit me hard and brought back dreadful memories and I am worried about how she's going to fare with the next bit, but on the whole, I hope I have brought her some help and someone to talk to and (as nothing is one-sided), I have also been able to talk to her in a way that I can't talk to others who are not going through it.  We have brought each other comfort, I hope.  And I got to meet her lovely Mum, who, sadly, was also diagnosed with breast cancer 5 yrs ago.

One of our outings was to the hospital Gustave Roussy, where she was operated on.  It was just before her surgery and maybe this outing brought us both a little 'too much information'.  It was a seminar in a very nice lecture theatre 'Cancer du Sein: Mieux Vivre La Chirurgie' (Breast Cancer, how best to get through the surgery).

First of all, the hospital itself was a revelation.  I have never been anywhere so huge.  This building was so big I couldn't even get it on my camera (I know I need an iphone 5 with panoramic view), and there are many outbuildings behind it too.  The hospital is considered as one of the top cancer hospitals in France, and is world renown for it's advances and research.  It's called the 'Cancer Campus'.  Personally, I was a little overawed by the size of the place and I think it was better for me to be in a smaller hospital that I knew already and I think my treatement (certainly my operation) was the right one for me and I may not have got that treatment in a larger hospital where I might have felt like 'just a number'.  However, in such a large specialised place, you can be sure that you're getting the most up to date information, access to great specialists and the support system seems excellent.  I feel like I haven't been so well supported and the support that I've got I have had to find and fight for myself.

A large hospital does give you a sense of being looked after and having the best care, so I'm really glad my friend was looked after properly.   I know, however, that it was difficult to get to as it's in the south of Paris and not so easy to access by public transport.

Anyway, I arrived for the last two topics on the seminar 'Questions sur l'image de soi, la sexualité, et le vécu après mastectomie' (Questions on your self image, sexuality and life after a mastectomy).  It was very useful to hear the psychologist speak and gave me some points to discuss with the psychologist I'm seeing on a weekly basis.

The last presentation was 'Reconstruction mammaire: les techniques classiques et récentes (injection de graisse Brava)' (Breast reconstruction, classic and new techniques (fat injections and Brava)).  This was the one I was particularly interested in.  This was also the one with a little tmi for both of us I think.  Lots of photos, really upsetting graphic photos, before and after, vials of fat all blown up to huge size on the screen.  Lots of photos that amazed me, too, as to how surgeons were able to reconstruct women's breasts to look so very similar to the remaining breast or the original ones.  I wanted to reach out of squeeze my friend's hand - she was going to have her surgery in a week's time and all this was to come.

Afterwards was useful too as there were various stands for associations linked with breast cancer, so I came away with some very useful information and we chatted to the person who is present in the sort of drop-in support centre in the hospital.  I found out about 'La Journée Glamour' (more of that to come after next week) and like I say, the support services in such a huge place are fantastic, such as the seminar that day.

My friend had a good as can be experience in the hospital, her surgery went well.  The room was bright and cheerful with coloured bedspreads.  She stayed in for around a week and she had all good things to say about the nurses and the hospital and her Mum spent all afternoon and evening with her every day.