rien grave

A short and tardy update.

Vero, the oncologist's secretary called me whilst I was teaching.  I don't usually answer my phone during lessons, but I took the call anyway as she is so difficult to get hold of.

She said 'I suppose you haven't had the results of your biopsy, have you?'  I said 'no, what are they?' (heart beats very fast at this point).  She said 'ilya rien grave' - there's nothing serious.  She didn't say what it was (I didn't ask) but that's all I needed to know really.  I made an appointment to see the oncologist in early May for another Tamoxifen prescription and there we go.

That conversation that lasted all of one minute brought an end to my 2 months of worry!

Last time I had a biopsy I hadn't told anyone about it except my family.  This time I had a lot of people to tell the good news to.  I hope I've told everyone.  In a way it's been more pressurised as more people knew about it, but in another way, it's been nice to know that people care.  I posted on Facebook - a slightly enigmatic post, not wanting to give details, but to let those who knew what I wanted them to know.  I had a couple of FB friends who put ?? as a comment but you know if they want more information, they can pm me or even call.  I didn't want to put it all out there.  (Although here I am writing a blogpost).  Yes, I see the irony.

Anyway, we drank champagne to celebrate and I got a little bit tipsy on a night out with my friends that week and there we go, life goes on, another drama replaces that one.

I feel more 'ough' than 'yippee' - this has really taken it's toll on me and my family and friends, it's been a long 2 months, too long by far.  I thought I'd feel yippee but 'phew' is good enough, really.  My friend said 'oh at last you'll be writing a happy blogpost', but I don't think so, a relieved blogpost, for sure.

Not sure if I want to launch myself into the medical field again and do the reconstruction now.  Not sure at all.  Maybe this will change with time.  I want to keep away from hospitals for a while after that nightmare experience.  My Mum, who doesn't want me to do this operation and sees it as unnecessary plastic surgery (possibly a vanity operation, I dunno), said I was beautiful as I was, which was nice of her and very sweet.  I reminded her that I was still deformed and she didn't have to look in the mirror at that every day or avoid going swimming or the beach because of a mis-shapen body.  Obviously, there's still a need for change in my head.  But not right now.

Thanks so much to all of you who have sent messages, called and just been really nice, supportive people.  It's all about the people.

Biopsy under MRI

The day came and now has gone, thankfully.

dh dropped me at the entrance and quickly found a parking space.  I went down into the bowels of the mega hospital to register.  My legs and arms felt weak as I was walking into the hospital and I was shaking, I was pretty nervous to say the least.  I was immediately ushered to the waiting area and was surprised to be called very quickly, ahead of time for my appointment.  Great.

A very nice gentle giant called Kevin showed me the changing room and the gown and once I'd undressed, sat me down to put in my line and the syringe.  I explained to him that I wasn't great with needles.  He was fabulous - gentle, calm and got the line in absolutely no problem.  Virtually no pain.

I waited in the changing room and the doctor came in to explain what was going to happen.  I was pretty cool with the MRI business - I knew the drill and I wasn't really frightened about it.  Her explanation of the biopsy part of things was pretty good, I thought.  Apparently I would have several ceramic needles put into my breast and their positioning would be checked by the MRI machine so I would be in and out of the machine a lot.  A machine (she called it a robot) would take the samples would make a weird noise when it did it, but I shouldn't feel anything).  They would give me a general anaesthetic and I would have to wear a plaster for the next day or so.  She also said that she'd seen my previous MRI and could see nothing to worry her but she knew that the surgeon wanted to check there was nothing before he did the lipofilling.  I was surprised to know that the test would last around an hour - that's longer than I thought.

Ok, so that was the theory.  Got installed as comfortably as possible with foam arm rests, ear protectors and a foam rest for my head.  My left breast was clamped into place and I think I felt them put a belt around my body so I couldn't move.  I was flat on my stomach with my arms above my head, right hand holding the syringe attached to my arm by a tube and a small alarm was placed in my left hand in case I wanted to stop the test at any time.  I later had to let go of this because I was seriously tempted to stop.....

I went into the MRI machine as normal, lots of noise, I counted backwards and tried to chill.  The liquid was inserted into my body via the syringe and it was cold.  I stayed very still and the doctor said I was doing fine.  So far, so good.  Then it all went pear-shaped.

The bed was pulled out of the machine and the doctor came to my side and told me she was putting in the anaesthetic.  It hurt but I thought 'that's good, it's over now, I won't feel anything else'.  There were a few 'ow ow ow' but I thought that would be ok afterwards.  She didn't wait very long before she put the first biopsy needle in (maybe too soon).  It hurt like hell.  I shouted out, involutarily and it felt like my side was being crushed and the sharp point really hurt.  The bed went back into the machine to check the needle was well positioned. It came out again for the next needle.  She asked me if I was 'always so sensitive' and said she would give me a second dose of anaesthetic as the first evidently wasn't enough or not working.  Then she put the second bipsy needle in.

It was absolute agony.  I cried out again and started to get very very stressed.  Lovely Kevin came over and put his hand on my back and told me to breathe.  I thought I was going to be vomit with the intense pain so he put a little dish under my face to be sick in, I was hot and cold and that horrible hot before you vomit.  Then back into the machine.  Then out for another needle, then in again.  Each time the needle caused me to cry out in pain, it was like never-ending torture.  I ended up weeping, defeated the whole time, I was exhausted.  Tried to keep my body from sobbing as I knew I had to stay still.  I think this happened 5 times,  the needle and in and out stuff, I don't know.  Somehow it all blurred into one whole nightmare experience.

I dropped the alarm because I was too tempted to stop the test, it hurt so much. The doctor asked me if I wanted to stop, I said no I have to do this.  Carry on.

Once all the needles were in place (I think there were 5, maybe 6, I don't know), the biopsy process started and I felt a sort of aspiration, something being sucked out of my breast and there was a noise, as the doctor said there would be.  The first one hurt a bit, I could feel the flesh being sucked out, but it was just unpleasant.  The rest I didn't feel so much and the last 2 I didn't feel at all, just the noise and a weird sensation.  I figure the anaesthetic didn't reach where the first few needles went in.  Surely she should have tested my sensitivity before trying to put them in so she knew I was numb?

All this time I was strapped to the bed, face down.  I couldn't see what was going on, my gown had exposed my bottom as it was pushed to the side (I had my knickers on) but I felt so so vulnerable and terrible.

Finally she said 'it's done, we have the samples'.  I could hear her ordering about the staff telling them to get test tubes, plasters....I then sat up and she said 'don't look'.  So I did!!  The machine was covered in blood, my bright red blood with pools of it on the left where the biopsy had been taken.  I could see she was panicking and she told me that I had moved during one of the needles so the opening was 'larger than expected' and was bleeding.  She didn't want to stitch the bleeding but put several sticky strips on it then the staff went away and came back with a huge sticky bandage that she stuck on.  I think I had been pretty severely damaged.  I had blood on my stomach, although they tried to mop it up.

Just to show you that I'm not a moaning Minnie, here's a photo of where they did the biopsy after I'd taken the bloodied bandage off (1 day later).  This cannot be normal.  I have to wait for these sticks that are holding the wounds together to drop off, apparently.

I said I was sorry to have shouted but it hurt so much, I couldn't help myself.  She said that she was on the Cancer Commission when they discussed my case and, as a doctor, she knew what a biopsy was (ie, how painful it was I think) and she wanted me to wait 6 months as the 'thing' might have gone away by itself.  But she said 'no, you wanted a biopsy at all costs, so you got one'.  I said I had already waited 2 months and the thing was still there and I was so stressed that I wanted to know if I had cancer again or not, surely she could understand?  No reply, just frantic trying to stop the blood from coming.

I stumbled towards the room where Kevin took out my line gently and thanked him for his kindness to me.  Said goodbye and I was free to go.  dh was there waiting for me.  He said he could hear me shouting in pain.  I shook and shivered all the way home, and cried.  I think I was in shock.

We ordered a curry and I was allowed to watch a stupid girl film to relax me.

The area hurt like hell and I took a lot of painkillers that evening (Doliprane not Aspirin) and I slept well, despite being uncomfortable.

Today I did absolutely nothing.  Cancelled my class and watched tv, ate chocolate and crisps.  I am exhausted and weepy and in pain.

There, I just wanted to get it all written down.  This was an absolutely horrible experience - much worse than the first 2 biopsies and I am feeling very unsettled and exhausted a defeated (not sure why).  I'm just glad it's over now.  The experience was horrendous.