Jour J

It's my biopsy under MRI tomorrow.  Not sure I'll sleep tonight.  Glad to be working tomorrow to keep my mind off things and get me to 16h25.

I cried tonight, I suddenly had an attack of nerves.  My son came in to the bedroom and gave me the most lovely long hug, saying nothing.   What a sweetheart.

Nice messages from my friends who'd very kindly remembered the date.  Wish me luck.  Hope for a confirmation that all is WELL.

Date is set, at last

I persuaded dh to take me to the hospital on my only afternoon off.  It's quite near and by far the largest hospital building that I've ever been in - very daunting.  However, it was surprisingly easy to find where I needed to go thanks to a helpful reception person.

Found the office for appointments and duly handed over the results of MRI, bloods, mammo, echo etc.  Asked if I could speak to someone that day but the doctor wasn't there.  They promised to discuss the results the following day and call me.  They were quite friendly but I kicked myself for not asking them to call me asap as I was so stressed.  I did manage to get the doctor's name though.

In any case, it wasn't necessary as they called me back the next day, as promised.  Nice.  I have an appointment on 31st March for a biopsy under MRI.

I feel happy that I don't have to fight and push any more although 3 weeks is a long time to stress!  I tried to read something into the appointment not being straight away - maybe they don't think it's urgent, but I gave that up because maybe 3 weeks is the normal time for an appointment; it certainly was at the last MRI clinic.  So maybe it's just normal.  But it's not a rush, is it?  Yep, there I go again...............

And btw, it's Henri Mondor not Henri Mont d'or....quite liked the idea of Henri sitting on his mount of gold, but that's not how you spell it!

Started my running programme again this week, I'm back on track, even if my thighs are sore!

And the saga continues

I am seriously disillusioned with the healthcare system.  They say it's the best in the world and maybe it is in terms of curing people and treating them but it's TOTALLY crap dealing with actual human beings.

I'd been waiting for a call from the hospital for an appointment for the MRI.  After I'd waited a week, I called the Vero the oncologists secretary.  She said she'd chase the hospital.  Evidently she did (thank you Vero, thank you).  I received the long-awaited call whilst I was in a shop buying clothes.  I stopped everything and my knees and arms went weak.  However, no need to get excited.  I was told that they 'don't give you an appointment just like that, the drs need to see your test results'.  In fact, the conclusions had been already faxed by the trusty Vero but I have the actual test xrays and printouts.

I now have to take that half day off work and go to Henri Mont d'or and drop them off so the doctors can consult and 'maybe' give me an appointment.  For fucks sake.  I could have done that ages ago, certainly last week.  I've lost yet another week at least because of administration.

I was too shocked to be angry at the (not very nice) woman telling me this but when I put the phone down I burst into tears.  I left the shop and met dh then noisily sobbed in the car, mascara running down my face, voicing all my fears out there.

I am so stupid, I keep imagining myself doing chemo - they say imagine things and they will come true.  Well, before this MRI, I did imagine myself with a flat tummy and same sized breast mounds and I imagined myself on the beach in a swimming costume, not afraid, not covering myself up, proud and feeling good.  I was getting used to this image and it was positive and good.  Now it's all negative.  I am scared.

 There's someone I know who's just been diagnosed and a friend of a friend, both going to go through this.  It's not putting me in a good place thinking about them and the hard time they're going to have ahead of them.

I'm not sleeping.  I can't concentrate.  Cancer keeps coming into my head, even when I'm teaching.  This is awful.

Not even near getting an appointment.....

Finally, as I'd been steeling myself having to visit the big hospital with my file, the oncologist's secretary, Veronique (we are now on first name terms) called me back on Friday.  She'd spoken (as promised) to the oncologist and she said 'leave it in our hands, I'll get back to you'.  That was really great news, frankly.  I told her, again, that I would take an appointment whenever I could and would cancel my work if necessary.

Anyway, today she updated me on a message saying that she'd faxed through my file to the hospital and now it's up to the doctors there to decide if and when I get an appointment and how urgent it is.  Unfortunately, it's out of her hands but she's going to follow up and let me know as soon as she has news.

I was pretty depressed by this, although I totally appreciated her help.  It's just more waiting and more waiting.  I am strung tight as a piano wire and eating myself to death in the meantime.........