I don't know about you but I'm an absolute sucker for anything 'before and after' - make overs (after not always being the most flattering photos sometimes featuring over made-up women with unnatural looking hair), weight loss pictures, my eyes hoover up home decoration photos or D&Co everything changes in a week (which make me very jealous, making me long to be part of that programme), jewelry cleaning products photos with the dull and the shiny juxtaposed. Even those features selling roof waterproofing products - before green mossy roof, after bright shiny water off a duck's back photo. We all like a transformation, don't we?
And yes, paradoxically, I used to enjoy looking at cosmetic procedure photos - saggy bosoms, crooked noses, flabby tums, sausage looking legs, bingo wings, crepey looking eyelids - everything can be fixed and made beautiful, so they say.
But the before and after that I wasn't prepared for and am having problems with is my very own. Not that it would ever make a TV show or a magazine feature.
When we got our first dishwasher 11 yrs ago, my friend said that my life would be divided into before dishwasher and after. Yes, she was right, I couldn't live without it now, especially with a family's dirty dishes multiplying as the day goes on. Now I find myself dividing my life into another sort of before and after - BBC and ABC - before breast cancer and after.
The change in me, not only physically, but mentally, is so profound and deep that I can only remember my 'before' life as something very much in the past. And, despite that it was not perfect, I long for it. I regret its passing and I grieve for the (relatively) carefree person I once was. The lovely girls on the private Facebook group that I belong to call it a 'loss of innocence'. And indeed it does feel just like that.
I feel that fate has thrown me one of my worst fears and made it come true. And now, the gloves are off - fate is running havoc and I fear for what it might do now as a second act and the encore scares me to death. There are moments when this before and after comes into sharp focus like a knife running through me or a punch in the stomach that takes my breath away. My friend and I were looking at some photos from last year and I said, without thinking 'oh that's when I had breasts' and my shoulders slumped as I remembered it all - life wasn't always full of these fears and fright and discomfort and revulsion at my appearance. Last night was another of those moments.
I went out last night and there was champagne and friendship and loving and dinner and dancing. All of this in a beautiful central Paris location. So why did I find myself having to leave the dancefloor and turn away to look through the oversize windows out on the beautiful adjacent historic church and try to stem the tears flooding down my face? It was a song that set me off. We had a wonderful holiday in July - same old haunts in Brittany - but this time two whole weeks bathed in glorious sunshine and warmth - the sort of holiday that fills your soul with happiness and makes golden memories for ever, the sort of holiday where you actually get a tan and actually relax. My sons love pop music and we played this song over and over when the car winged its way down green country roads, windows open, the breeze hitting our faces singing at the tops of our voices with our hands up in the air 'like the ceiling can't hold us', laughing as we went. Such wonderful moments of carefree silliness.
This video captures the joy
And bam, back in Paris and finding a lump in my breast, and you know the rest.
I want to feel carefree again, I don't want to feel tainted and changed, but that comes with the territory, part of the deal. I know I have to accept it but it makes me so sad deep inside.
A wise and kind friend stood by me last night with her hand lightly draped over my shoulder. She said nothing but she stayed still, swaying slightly to the music, her presence comforting me as we both watched the city below in silence, tears streaming and my heart breaking again.
Sunday 30 March 2014
Thursday 13 March 2014
Green Tea Green Tea
As I mentioned, I have been keeping up the green tea habit (although I find that it's hard to keep up when I'm out working when I tend to choose coffee or tea tea).
I am waaay behind on my green tea reviews and I want to get these photos off my iphone, so here is a mega green tea review coming up!
There was an offer on venteprivee.com for the posh food shop Fauchon. I bought two of their green teas to test:-
Make: Fauchon Paris Beauté Thé Vert Parfumé, Belle Peau (beautiful skin), classed as a food supplement.
Orange and almond flavour which apparently gives the benefit of
- strong antioxidant
- rebuilds collagen
- smoothes wrinkles and lines
- purifies skin
- drains toxins
- intensely hydrates
and Make: Fauchon Paris Beauté Théo Vert Parfumé, Anti-Age, classed as a food supplement. This one apparently
- strong antioxidant
- protects collagen cells
- improves natural defenses
- slows skin aging
- intensely hydrates
I really liked the flavour of both of these teas, it was easy to drink and very pleasant. I had a slight preference for the Anti-Age tea with mint and mango as it tasted more refreshing. It had a feeling of luxury using this tea, as the tea bags were wrapped in swanky, scrunchy, shiny paper and the boxes were very attractive with their translucent green and pink plastic and silver stripes. A pleasure to use.
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Minus - not organic and the lovely packaging is not environmentally friendly at all. And I was a bit surprised when I looked at the ingredients:
Belle Peau: Chinese whole leaves green tea (86%), Granada dry extracts, sage, hawthorn, orange natural flavouring - so far so good - but then Additives:- maltodextrin and silica, Coating agents, - silica and sodium alginate, Decorating agents - strawberry fruit granules (glucose syrup, strawberries, fructose, modified starch (potato) thickening agent (E40) and then it gets ok again - matricaria camomile, orange peel, lemon peel, lavender flowers, almonds
Anti-Age: Chinese whole leaves green tea (95%), ginseng Panax CA Meyer dry extracts, grapeseeds containing OPC (what's that?), mint flavouring 1.5% and mango flavouring 1.5%. Additives; extracts' support: com maltodextrin and silica, Coating Agents; silica and sodium alginate. Decorating agents: red rose petals
Each tea bag contained around 5 calories.
I was a bit shocked and didn't expect such elaborate ingredients. I'll look more carefully next time. I don't think they will have done any harm but with all that stuff in them, they sure don't feel like a health food. But my skin was really nice after finishing these two boxes, I really could see a difference.
I am waaay behind on my green tea reviews and I want to get these photos off my iphone, so here is a mega green tea review coming up!
There was an offer on venteprivee.com for the posh food shop Fauchon. I bought two of their green teas to test:-
Make: Fauchon Paris Beauté Thé Vert Parfumé, Belle Peau (beautiful skin), classed as a food supplement.
Orange and almond flavour which apparently gives the benefit of
- strong antioxidant
- rebuilds collagen
- smoothes wrinkles and lines
- purifies skin
- drains toxins
- intensely hydrates
and Make: Fauchon Paris Beauté Théo Vert Parfumé, Anti-Age, classed as a food supplement. This one apparently
- strong antioxidant
- protects collagen cells
- improves natural defenses
- slows skin aging
- intensely hydrates
I really liked the flavour of both of these teas, it was easy to drink and very pleasant. I had a slight preference for the Anti-Age tea with mint and mango as it tasted more refreshing. It had a feeling of luxury using this tea, as the tea bags were wrapped in swanky, scrunchy, shiny paper and the boxes were very attractive with their translucent green and pink plastic and silver stripes. A pleasure to use.
Minus - not organic and the lovely packaging is not environmentally friendly at all. And I was a bit surprised when I looked at the ingredients:
Belle Peau: Chinese whole leaves green tea (86%), Granada dry extracts, sage, hawthorn, orange natural flavouring - so far so good - but then Additives:- maltodextrin and silica, Coating agents, - silica and sodium alginate, Decorating agents - strawberry fruit granules (glucose syrup, strawberries, fructose, modified starch (potato) thickening agent (E40) and then it gets ok again - matricaria camomile, orange peel, lemon peel, lavender flowers, almonds
Anti-Age: Chinese whole leaves green tea (95%), ginseng Panax CA Meyer dry extracts, grapeseeds containing OPC (what's that?), mint flavouring 1.5% and mango flavouring 1.5%. Additives; extracts' support: com maltodextrin and silica, Coating Agents; silica and sodium alginate. Decorating agents: red rose petals
Each tea bag contained around 5 calories.
I was a bit shocked and didn't expect such elaborate ingredients. I'll look more carefully next time. I don't think they will have done any harm but with all that stuff in them, they sure don't feel like a health food. But my skin was really nice after finishing these two boxes, I really could see a difference.
Oncologist check up
Last Saturday I saw the oncologist again for the first time since the radiotherapy finished. It was meant to be a month earlier but I put it off, wanting a rest. I chose the female oncologist as I find her more direct and helpful than my original one.
It was fairly brief - how was it going on Tamoxifen? Anything else? She looked at my breasts and did something that I never thought anyone would ever do when they see my breasts again, she whistled under her breath! She was impressed that the irradiated breast is in such good shape apparently. It's not hard, nor puckered (around the scars yes because it's shrunk) but she was very impressed. This lead me to google pictures of post irradiated breasts to compare, but I couldn't find any, however, Cancer Research has this good little article radiotherapy on breast cancer side effects I have something called hyperpigmentation which means that under my arm and around that area, the skin is noticeably darker. This is permanent apparently. The oncologist was not bothered about that at all (but I guess it doesn't affect her, does it?) Anyway, apparently my breasts are in good shape so that's good news.
The ultrasound I had for the right breast was looked and the conclusion that it was scar tissue (which in fact has gone down a little recently). The operator had suggested an earlier mammogram than the 4 month after radiotherapy one scheduled and the oncologist didn't agree - she said that the radiotherapy causes all sorts of changes in the breast tissue months after the therapy and a mammogram earlier would not give my body to go through those changes, so it's a mammo in May.
It made me realise that in France, things go very slowly, you are not expected to recover in a flash and be all dancin, singin again. Augmentation is not done quickly - apparently in USA and UK, lipomodelling can be done 3-6 months after surgery. This is not gonna happen here. Maybe it's a good thing because it gives your body a chance to rest and recover and your mind too. I have the impression that it's everything in it's own time here, which is not the same as inattention or neglect.
Next time I see the oncologist is October with blood tests results to see what Tamoxifen is doing to my body. If I have any problems in the meantime, I can call though.
I have another prescription for physiotherapy as my arm is still not right and tends to get stiff and painful after a week without physio. The oncologist was surprised that I was still seeing a psychologist but asked if it was useful and I said it was so I'm carrying on with that.
And that was that. See her in October! So me and dh ran to the car and got out of there fast.
How do I feel about this all? I was very stressed before the appointment - a mixture of going back to the hospital with all the bad news that I'd received there and nervouseness about what she might say, I was near to tears. On the way back I was near to tears too - maybe relief, I don't know. To be honest, tears are very near at all times now, bit of a heightened emotional state. Would be great if that calmed down to be truthful.....
It was fairly brief - how was it going on Tamoxifen? Anything else? She looked at my breasts and did something that I never thought anyone would ever do when they see my breasts again, she whistled under her breath! She was impressed that the irradiated breast is in such good shape apparently. It's not hard, nor puckered (around the scars yes because it's shrunk) but she was very impressed. This lead me to google pictures of post irradiated breasts to compare, but I couldn't find any, however, Cancer Research has this good little article radiotherapy on breast cancer side effects I have something called hyperpigmentation which means that under my arm and around that area, the skin is noticeably darker. This is permanent apparently. The oncologist was not bothered about that at all (but I guess it doesn't affect her, does it?) Anyway, apparently my breasts are in good shape so that's good news.
The ultrasound I had for the right breast was looked and the conclusion that it was scar tissue (which in fact has gone down a little recently). The operator had suggested an earlier mammogram than the 4 month after radiotherapy one scheduled and the oncologist didn't agree - she said that the radiotherapy causes all sorts of changes in the breast tissue months after the therapy and a mammogram earlier would not give my body to go through those changes, so it's a mammo in May.
It made me realise that in France, things go very slowly, you are not expected to recover in a flash and be all dancin, singin again. Augmentation is not done quickly - apparently in USA and UK, lipomodelling can be done 3-6 months after surgery. This is not gonna happen here. Maybe it's a good thing because it gives your body a chance to rest and recover and your mind too. I have the impression that it's everything in it's own time here, which is not the same as inattention or neglect.
Next time I see the oncologist is October with blood tests results to see what Tamoxifen is doing to my body. If I have any problems in the meantime, I can call though.
I have another prescription for physiotherapy as my arm is still not right and tends to get stiff and painful after a week without physio. The oncologist was surprised that I was still seeing a psychologist but asked if it was useful and I said it was so I'm carrying on with that.
And that was that. See her in October! So me and dh ran to the car and got out of there fast.
How do I feel about this all? I was very stressed before the appointment - a mixture of going back to the hospital with all the bad news that I'd received there and nervouseness about what she might say, I was near to tears. On the way back I was near to tears too - maybe relief, I don't know. To be honest, tears are very near at all times now, bit of a heightened emotional state. Would be great if that calmed down to be truthful.....
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