I was a great swimmer when I was young. I swam up to 3 times a day. I was quite successful and swimming brought me a lot in terms of developing my confidence, my personality, my perseverance, some travel with the British team and all over the UK, a little fame (but no fortune - swimming was purely an amateur sport when I was young).
Throughout my adult life, I've come back to swimming time and time again, for sport, for relaxation, for stress relief, for fun, for feeling okay in myself.
I chose the hospital where I gave birth to my children because they had a little pool and pre-birth swimming classes. Floating in the water feeling like a whale was such a wonderful feeling and such a lightness and a high.
In the years just before cancer, I tried to get fit by swimming and I never succeeded because after a few lengths, my shoulders were agonising afterwards with stiff neck and I often had a frozen shoulder. I think this might have been something to do with the cancer developing in my breast - sometimes a sign of bc is frequent frozen shoulders - this I found out from Dr House, and sadly not my dr - he could've saved me time if he had ordered a mammogram when I had frozen shoulders. This inablility to swim was so frustrating because I loved being in the water, I felt good, in my element, at ease, elegant and powerful.
After being operated on, I found it impossible to put on my swimming costume and go to the pool - I was so ashamed of my lop-sided, strangely-breasted, muffin top body. I went to the beach and put in my jelly breast to make me look what I thought of as 'normal'. But when my kids wanted me to swim in the sea I couldn't because I had my false breast in. Their faces were disappointed but understanding.
This reluctance to show my body in a swimsuit continued for several years. I refused to go swimming with my children (even though they were great swimmers and loved being in the water - like me, especially on holiday - like me before). I never told them why, I just said no. I refused invitations to go to the pool, to join in keep fit classes in the pool, to go in friends' pools. It was all 'no'. Much to my enormous regret and frustration. I just couldn't get past this. I didn't want anyone ot see my horrible strange chest and look at me, stare, make fun of me, talk about me, point at me.
No use telling me that people had other things to worry about than my chest and that everyone had their own hang ups. The potential for embarrassment was too great to take the chance, partly fuelled because the guards at my local pool knew I'd been ill and I curiosity to look is great when you know someone's lost their breast. I didn't want the stares.
I tried once, going to a pool where I wasn't known and walking onto the poolside (the worst bit) with a towel wrapped round my top. I was stopped just after the footbaths and told I wasn't allowed to enter the pool with a towel. I begged to be allowed, exaplained my case - first time after the op and all - but no pity was given and I was told to go back to the changing rooms and come on the poolside without the towel. It was harsh but I did it and felt hugely uncomfortable. I virtually shuffled over double to the changing rooms with my arms crossed over my chest.
But you know, time passes and things change. We were due to take a holiday in the mountains in the summer a couple of years ago and I was really looking forward to it. It was a beautiful resort and the lovely modern residence has a swimming pool. Here's the building in winter
Les Fermes de Chatel, Haute Savoie
and here is the swimming pool
and the view in winter
and here's one part of the local public swimming pool complex - that view - it's real!
So, I gave myself a talking to and figured that nobody would know me on holiday, I would never see those people again, never. So what if I looked weird? I just had to get from towel to pool and you'd have to be really staring at me if you wanted to see the weirdness in all its glory. In fact, most people would look at me because I was overweight and not lopsided. So, I decided that I would enjoy the pools and I would swim when I wanted to. And I did! and I had a great time. First time was difficult, but after that I started not to care. How can you not love swimming in this pool with such a beautiful view?
I think this new attitude also came with the fact that I'd restarted meditating. More of that in another post........
So I re-found my element - water! I've signed up for aquagym for two years now and I swim when I want. It's a wonderful feeling. I'm so grateful to have it back.
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