Apparently, David Bowie's son, Duncan, has broken his week of Twitter silence to post this thank you letter from a palliative care doctor. It is extremely moving. Made me wonder how those last moments were for Bowie, hopefully he was not alone and was feeling the love from those who were closest to him but also the love that all his fans have for him. Do read the letter, it's worth it.
http://blogs.bmj.com/spcare/2016/01/15/a-thank-you-letter-to-david-bowie-from-a-palliative-care-doctor/
Tuesday, 19 January 2016
Tuesday, 12 January 2016
David Bowie dies of cancer
It had to happen one day and I was dreading that day - my hero (I don't use this term lightly), David Bowie died of cancer. Bastardshitbollocksfucking cancer. I know, we all have to die of something one day - but he was relatively young and that disease strikes again.
My cool Aunty Beryl (who also died of cancer (breast cancer), v.young, btw) gave me my first ever single record when I was 9 - Space Oddity with Velvet Goldmine and Changes on the B side for my Birthday. I was hooked ever since.
I remember my friend's sister (who was older than me), dressing à la Bowie in tight short jumper, short, ankle-grazing flared trousers and doing her make up just like Bowie (well, that's how I remember it anyhow). Such glamour! I longed to be metropolitan and move in his circles instead of crossing lonely fields and walking dirt tracks in my little village.
The local disco was held in the function room of an isolated pub. I was allowed to attend the hard rock version and when my Dad came to pick me up he was impressed by the long lines of us rockers doing the 'gribo' to Jean Genie (in our tight jeans and leathers of course).
Moving on, at 18 years old, my boyfriend went to Miami with a friend and I was so sad and missed him like hell, but he brought me back the Charles Shaar Murray book about Bowie. How I devoured that book and learnt everything I could about my idol. As Bowie says 'all the directions of my work have started with a book'.
And jump to a naiive country girl arriving at University in digs where she was alone and knew nobody and didn't much like most of the people on the course. I brought David Bowie knock-off tapes in the Merrion Centre in Leeds - just thought I'd try something different. He accompanied my loneliness, my doubts, my fears, my successes, my failures. Through all the friendships, he was a constant. I dyed my hair bright auburn and had it cut short to be like him and then grew it out a little in the style of 'Man Who Sold the World' David. I listened to his music night after night in my little pink room, keeping the volume down so I didn't disturb the landlady's children in the bedroom next door. David was my escape as I wrote letters home. He was my outlet for the unhappiness and isolation I felt. I bought more and more tapes and he brought me to Velvet Underground, Lou Reed, Iggy Pop, Cabaret Voltaire, Bauhaus, the Cramps, Theatre of Hate, Sixousie and the Banshees, the Sisters of Mercy etc and my favourite album ever - Another Green World by Brian Eno. He made me see how everyone is connected and how good it was to have influence and partnerships. He made me visit an art gallery for the first time, read alternative books, watch modern dance, dress not like everyone else, dye my hair. He opened my eyes big time. He opened doors for me.
Fast forward to London, the 1980s. Time of big hair and shoulderpads and consumerism. Living in a bedsit starting to make my way in the world. An exciting new world, full of promise and glitz and bright lights and career progression. Out comes 'Let's Dance' - an anthem for the 80s. And David shooting one of his videos in Maida Vale near our friend Simon's flat. Blonde, healthy, casually-suited, fizzing with energy, this was a David that fitted perfectly with the time. Chameleon as ever.
And in that same period, Live Aid and his cheeky version of Dancing in the Streets with Mick. I sported my Katherine Hamnet oversized silk T shirt with the best of them and danced along all day and then all night on Primrose Hill overlooking the fireworks. What a great day, what a great memory.
Then divorce and Bowie's album 'Black Tie White Noise' was the anthem for my getting back on my feet and getting out there again, doing new things, meeting new people. They say 'jump' and I jumped back into action! One memorable day my colleague asked me to lunch in the private dining room at work where we found none other than Mr Bowie himself dining with Eduardo Paolozzi, the famous sculptor. There were no seats left except the ones next to David Bowie, so I dared to sit next to him for a whole lunch! He said 'hello' very politely. I said 'hello' and we ate our food. I wanted to scream and shout and lick his feet and tell him how much I loved him and his music. But I didn't - he was very low key and charming to everyone. Later the waitress stole his glass and gave it to me with his unfinished perrier water and lemon in it. I kept that glass for years.
Memories of working on a boyfriend's cottage in the middle of a field all day on a hot sunny summer day, decorating with the windows wide open and Bowie's greatest hits blaring out to the sheep, singing along at the top of my voice like nobody could hear me.
And jump into more recent times. Until 2002, I had never seen Bowie live although I had always dreamt of it. Finally, after my move to France, the chance came and despite being several months pregnant at the time, I was excited to see him at the Zenith in Paris. He came on in a blaze of white lights and went straight into 'Life on Mars', acoustic version. Tears of happiness streamed down my face and I couldn't stop them. What an amazing night. I'm glad my boy got to hear Bowie live, even if he didn't actually see him!
And in 2005, my second son was born on David Bowie's Birthday.
And even more recent. I spent a wonderful weekend in London with my old schoolfriends and our visit was centered around a visit to the exhibition 'David Bowie Is' at the Victoria and Albert Museum. It was absolutely fantastic. We stayed for hours, especially in the video room at the end of the show, we were enthralled. It rekindled all my enthusiasm and fascination for Bowie. We all remember our pal Barb sitting in the video room with her exhibition headphones on singing out loud to herself, we teased her so much!
I got cancer and I told my husband that when it's my time to die, I want 'Wild is the Wind' to be played at my funeral. That's the track that moves me most with its, heartrending, passionate, sensous, melancholy.
Enjoyed the DB Is exhibition much so that I went to see the show again in Paris in the new Philharmonic Building, with my children, who were reluctant, but appreciative at the end. The show is a very fitting tribute to an unparallelled career and to a man who has opened doors for many, who has made them see that there is something else other than the mundane and it's possible to be different and exotic. I've been fortunate to know his music and have all these happy memories of it, he has touched my life as he's touched so many millions of lives. I am glad to have been alive at the same time as him. RIP David Bowie. I am so sad you have left us all.
Friday, 12 June 2015
18 month check up - when you look better than your doctor does!
It was today. I had a feeling it would be ok as I had the mammogram and ultrasound a couple of weeks back and I got the blood tests back yesterday and they looked ok. But you never know until you've spoken to the expert.
It's been a long run of medical appointments. I've seen the cardiologist three times for an assessment, an ECG and what he described as the 'effort test' when I had to pedal a stationery bicycle for ages and ages and he monitored my heart as I did it. In fact, he said I kept going quite a long time, relatively speaking, and I was relieved to walk out of that appointment after hearing him say that there was no need that he could see for me to take heart medication and that I was just to keep an eye on my blood pressure. It seems that the radiation hasn't damaged my heart after all.
I then plucked up the courage to do the mammo and ultrasound. It was miserable as always there. I waited for ages, but at least now I know it's going to take ages so I plan. It was stressful, yes, of course it was. There were more moments during the ultrasound when the operator kept going over and over my painful scars and over and over various areas. In the end I cracked and said 'have you found something'? She said not and that nothing had changed since last time. I was relieved to get out of that appointment too, and to collect the results the next day.
And today I waited an hour - not so bad for this particular doctor. There are always emergencies to be treated in the World of Cancer and I always feel fortunate that it's not me with an emergency so I feel ok about waiting. There were a lot of old people in the waiting room today and a poor lady with a scarf and a mask over her mouth. She was taken away in a wheelchair for chemo I presume. It's such a bump down to earth seeing that, such a salutory reminder that I'm doing good and I'm LUCKY.
I have to say, when she asked me how I was, the word 'bien' came out in a very positive way, and I noticed that she was actually not looking so great herself. When you look and feel better than your doctor looks, there must be something going ok! In fact she explained that she's wearing a corset because she's hurt her back and it really does show on her face, she looks in pain. Hope she's prescribing herself some good drugs, perk of the job I guess.
The Doctor and I talked about the decision that the Cancer Committee had made in forcing me to wait another year for my reconstruction. I explained that it had made me very miserable. She didn't comiserate but I felt like she understood and she told me I'd already done 6 months and I only had 6 to go and it was for the better and the greater good this wait.
I explained that the surgeon had told me that he'd prefer to operate after the 2 year mark when the chances of it coming back were significantly lower. She said it wasn't about that at all but it was all about giving the flesh time to grow and recover and become more supple after the radiotherapy so the fat has a better chance of staying. I believed her. She's the dr that got me through radiotherapy. She knows what she's talking about.
Still odd to be examined again but I've sort of got used to it. I had an anxious moment when she put the xrays on the screen to examine them. I had a horrible thought that she'd find something they'd missed at the Cabinet. But she didn't and I was pleased to hear 'you're fine'. I don't have to have a mammogram for a year now but I'll see her in January and I have my prescription for Tamoxifen to keep me going another 6 months.
It was another appointment I was glad to leave and walk out of into the sunny day, hopefully leaving behind the hospital for another 6 months.
Next stop belated appointment with Doctor Pink for a gyne to make sure the Tamoxifen isn't giving me ovarian cancer. Great.
And then, the dentist (which I'm quite looking forward to because it'll mean all the other serious stuff is over for a few months).
And then the summer! Yey!
It's been a long run of medical appointments. I've seen the cardiologist three times for an assessment, an ECG and what he described as the 'effort test' when I had to pedal a stationery bicycle for ages and ages and he monitored my heart as I did it. In fact, he said I kept going quite a long time, relatively speaking, and I was relieved to walk out of that appointment after hearing him say that there was no need that he could see for me to take heart medication and that I was just to keep an eye on my blood pressure. It seems that the radiation hasn't damaged my heart after all.
I then plucked up the courage to do the mammo and ultrasound. It was miserable as always there. I waited for ages, but at least now I know it's going to take ages so I plan. It was stressful, yes, of course it was. There were more moments during the ultrasound when the operator kept going over and over my painful scars and over and over various areas. In the end I cracked and said 'have you found something'? She said not and that nothing had changed since last time. I was relieved to get out of that appointment too, and to collect the results the next day.
And today I waited an hour - not so bad for this particular doctor. There are always emergencies to be treated in the World of Cancer and I always feel fortunate that it's not me with an emergency so I feel ok about waiting. There were a lot of old people in the waiting room today and a poor lady with a scarf and a mask over her mouth. She was taken away in a wheelchair for chemo I presume. It's such a bump down to earth seeing that, such a salutory reminder that I'm doing good and I'm LUCKY.
I have to say, when she asked me how I was, the word 'bien' came out in a very positive way, and I noticed that she was actually not looking so great herself. When you look and feel better than your doctor looks, there must be something going ok! In fact she explained that she's wearing a corset because she's hurt her back and it really does show on her face, she looks in pain. Hope she's prescribing herself some good drugs, perk of the job I guess.
The Doctor and I talked about the decision that the Cancer Committee had made in forcing me to wait another year for my reconstruction. I explained that it had made me very miserable. She didn't comiserate but I felt like she understood and she told me I'd already done 6 months and I only had 6 to go and it was for the better and the greater good this wait.
I explained that the surgeon had told me that he'd prefer to operate after the 2 year mark when the chances of it coming back were significantly lower. She said it wasn't about that at all but it was all about giving the flesh time to grow and recover and become more supple after the radiotherapy so the fat has a better chance of staying. I believed her. She's the dr that got me through radiotherapy. She knows what she's talking about.
Still odd to be examined again but I've sort of got used to it. I had an anxious moment when she put the xrays on the screen to examine them. I had a horrible thought that she'd find something they'd missed at the Cabinet. But she didn't and I was pleased to hear 'you're fine'. I don't have to have a mammogram for a year now but I'll see her in January and I have my prescription for Tamoxifen to keep me going another 6 months.
It was another appointment I was glad to leave and walk out of into the sunny day, hopefully leaving behind the hospital for another 6 months.
Next stop belated appointment with Doctor Pink for a gyne to make sure the Tamoxifen isn't giving me ovarian cancer. Great.
And then, the dentist (which I'm quite looking forward to because it'll mean all the other serious stuff is over for a few months).
And then the summer! Yey!
Thursday, 11 June 2015
Tattoos
I've done a few tattoo posts. Many women find their 'new' bodies more acceptable and beautiful with tattoos, especially, it seems, after a mastectomy. It's really not my cup of tea this tattoo business but I might find myself having one on my very pale grafted nipple to even the colour out, or maybe I won't, I'm scared it'll hurt or be the wrong colour or something! However I think if those women who do have them over their scars feel better about themselves, then this can only be a really great thing. Good on them for finding the right thing to help them along.
Anyway, here's another bunch of tattoo pictures.
http://diply.com/auntyacid/tattoos-inspirational-art/138274
Anyway, here's another bunch of tattoo pictures.
http://diply.com/auntyacid/tattoos-inspirational-art/138274
This may make you cry
https://www.facebook.com/holley.kitchen/videos/vb.733071868/10153490757561869/?type=2&theater
This may make you cry. I love how this woman says what she says. She is my image of a brave person. She would not say she is brave, she would say, like I did when people said I'm brave, that we have no choice we just go on because we have to. But she IS brave and her little video deserves to be seen by many. It's more effective without the music, I found.
It is good to try to knock that bull**** stuff people say on the head. It certainly made me think about what I've said to people in the past. I remember at the Cancer House asking an old lady 'how are you?' She shook her head sadly and said 'not great right now'. I wanted the ground to swallow me up, I felt crass and stupidly insensitive and I didn't mean to be at all. In the Cancer House and in Cancer World, you don't ask people how they are. You say, 'how are you today?' or just 'hello, good to see you' is enough.
Good luck Holley Kitchen.
This may make you cry. I love how this woman says what she says. She is my image of a brave person. She would not say she is brave, she would say, like I did when people said I'm brave, that we have no choice we just go on because we have to. But she IS brave and her little video deserves to be seen by many. It's more effective without the music, I found.
It is good to try to knock that bull**** stuff people say on the head. It certainly made me think about what I've said to people in the past. I remember at the Cancer House asking an old lady 'how are you?' She shook her head sadly and said 'not great right now'. I wanted the ground to swallow me up, I felt crass and stupidly insensitive and I didn't mean to be at all. In the Cancer House and in Cancer World, you don't ask people how they are. You say, 'how are you today?' or just 'hello, good to see you' is enough.
Good luck Holley Kitchen.
Losing it (and gaining it)
Ha! Cryptic title.
It's been a long time since I've written here. I felt like I've been sort of saving up stuff and then never finding the time to actually write in between homework, housework and my work. (Yes, lots of 'works' in that sentence, just about sums things up right now.
But the big holidays are round the corner and the sun is shining so positivity reigns!
I was so terribly disappointed that I have to wait another year for my breast reconstruction. It felled me and made me quite depressed for a moment back there. However, my sister said 'you need a project to get you through this year'. She was right; I needed a focus and something to make me feel better and more positive.
The stinging remarks that had been made about my weight by various (every) health professional I met since I started this adventure in 2013 had been weighing heavy (ha!) on my mind and really not helping me feel better about the my breasts being mutilated. Whenever I thought about what this cancer had 'done' to me, it always came back to body image as the most important thing.
Then, by chance JLo handed me a book and said 'don't take this the wrong way but I thought this might interest you'. It was a diet book, a fun diet book, a psychological diet book, a realistic diet book written for weaklings like myself. I liked it and it made my decision clear - that my project would be to lose 15kg before I see the surgeon in September.
Better health, feeling lighter, feeling better about my body image, feeling proud, this ticked all the boxes. I started the diet the next day. It's working. I'm now 8 weeks in with various slip-ups but never mind, not huge ones and the eating plan does give you a lot of freedom.
So, I've virtually given up caffeine (I was on that road anyway since I came out of hospital), I try not to eat sugar and sugary foods. I don't eat carbohydrates. I don't eat 'carby' veg. I eat a lot of protein and salads and vegetable and I drink a lot of water. After 2 weeks without alcohol, I could drink a little and I do drink a little. It's not an anti-social diet at all.
To be honest it's a bit like the Atkins and the eating plan my GP reccomended, the GI Diet, which I'd tried before and liked. And it is working for me! At the time of writing, I've lost 8 of those 15 kg. It's an up and down and overall slow loss now but the graph is going down dear readers! I'm nearly back to the weight I was when I moved to France 15 yrs ago.
And I'm feeling good! Much much more energy (visibly). I have the energy to do stuff in the house now when I used to slouch on the couch after my work and didn't have the energy to do housework. My leg cramps seem to have stopped (maybe because I'm drinking so much water?). I don't feel full and bloated any longer. I am making healthy, informed choices about my food. The foot pain that made me feel like a grandma seems to have gone pretty much. I used to have terrible pain and could hardly walk on my foot if I sat for a while or stayed still (teaching 1:1 for example) I used to virtually crawl or limp across the room or upstairs. It's just gone! I have less (virtually no) wind and my skin is good and my eyes are clear.
The diet is here Pig to Twig
It suits me. It might not suit you. You might disapprove of it. You might love it, if that's what you're looking for. I am glad my friend put that book in my hand.
My change in body shape means that I'm much keener to look at my naked body (remember I couldn't do this for over 6 months after the op). My breasts are ugly still, this is no miracle cure! But my shoulders and chest are a nicer shape and I'm beginning to believe that this operation will take place and I will one day have the same sized breasts. And they will look good on my changed body. My muffin top has decreased by 8cm, my hips by 23cm, my waist by 11cm. My chest has gone smaller. My bras are on the tightest hooks. I have less boob, but this can be fixed.
What is great is that I can go into a lot of clothes shops and buy stuff or just try it on and sometimes it's too big!!! Sometimes it doesn't suit, sometimes I love and buy. But I am so enjoying feeling feminine again. I've started wearing heels now my feet don't hurt. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think that I genuinely look GOOD! This is a big deal for me.
So losing it means I have gained a great deal, notably my confidence and a lot of that old mojo back again.
Let's hope it continues.....
It's been a long time since I've written here. I felt like I've been sort of saving up stuff and then never finding the time to actually write in between homework, housework and my work. (Yes, lots of 'works' in that sentence, just about sums things up right now.
But the big holidays are round the corner and the sun is shining so positivity reigns!
I was so terribly disappointed that I have to wait another year for my breast reconstruction. It felled me and made me quite depressed for a moment back there. However, my sister said 'you need a project to get you through this year'. She was right; I needed a focus and something to make me feel better and more positive.
The stinging remarks that had been made about my weight by various (every) health professional I met since I started this adventure in 2013 had been weighing heavy (ha!) on my mind and really not helping me feel better about the my breasts being mutilated. Whenever I thought about what this cancer had 'done' to me, it always came back to body image as the most important thing.
Then, by chance JLo handed me a book and said 'don't take this the wrong way but I thought this might interest you'. It was a diet book, a fun diet book, a psychological diet book, a realistic diet book written for weaklings like myself. I liked it and it made my decision clear - that my project would be to lose 15kg before I see the surgeon in September.
Better health, feeling lighter, feeling better about my body image, feeling proud, this ticked all the boxes. I started the diet the next day. It's working. I'm now 8 weeks in with various slip-ups but never mind, not huge ones and the eating plan does give you a lot of freedom.
So, I've virtually given up caffeine (I was on that road anyway since I came out of hospital), I try not to eat sugar and sugary foods. I don't eat carbohydrates. I don't eat 'carby' veg. I eat a lot of protein and salads and vegetable and I drink a lot of water. After 2 weeks without alcohol, I could drink a little and I do drink a little. It's not an anti-social diet at all.
To be honest it's a bit like the Atkins and the eating plan my GP reccomended, the GI Diet, which I'd tried before and liked. And it is working for me! At the time of writing, I've lost 8 of those 15 kg. It's an up and down and overall slow loss now but the graph is going down dear readers! I'm nearly back to the weight I was when I moved to France 15 yrs ago.
And I'm feeling good! Much much more energy (visibly). I have the energy to do stuff in the house now when I used to slouch on the couch after my work and didn't have the energy to do housework. My leg cramps seem to have stopped (maybe because I'm drinking so much water?). I don't feel full and bloated any longer. I am making healthy, informed choices about my food. The foot pain that made me feel like a grandma seems to have gone pretty much. I used to have terrible pain and could hardly walk on my foot if I sat for a while or stayed still (teaching 1:1 for example) I used to virtually crawl or limp across the room or upstairs. It's just gone! I have less (virtually no) wind and my skin is good and my eyes are clear.
The diet is here Pig to Twig
It suits me. It might not suit you. You might disapprove of it. You might love it, if that's what you're looking for. I am glad my friend put that book in my hand.
My change in body shape means that I'm much keener to look at my naked body (remember I couldn't do this for over 6 months after the op). My breasts are ugly still, this is no miracle cure! But my shoulders and chest are a nicer shape and I'm beginning to believe that this operation will take place and I will one day have the same sized breasts. And they will look good on my changed body. My muffin top has decreased by 8cm, my hips by 23cm, my waist by 11cm. My chest has gone smaller. My bras are on the tightest hooks. I have less boob, but this can be fixed.
What is great is that I can go into a lot of clothes shops and buy stuff or just try it on and sometimes it's too big!!! Sometimes it doesn't suit, sometimes I love and buy. But I am so enjoying feeling feminine again. I've started wearing heels now my feet don't hurt. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think that I genuinely look GOOD! This is a big deal for me.
So losing it means I have gained a great deal, notably my confidence and a lot of that old mojo back again.
Let's hope it continues.....
Friday, 24 April 2015
wtf?
http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2015/apr/22/none-of-its-true-wellness-blogger-belle-gibson-admits-she-never-had-cancer
This woman needs help.
Yet another charlatan who has 'cured' her 'cancer' with nutrition and magnet treatments. How irresponsible and wicked to write those things.
This woman needs help.
Yet another charlatan who has 'cured' her 'cancer' with nutrition and magnet treatments. How irresponsible and wicked to write those things.
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