4 weeks post operative

It's now four weeks since my operation.  It feels like it was a million years ago but all so clear in my mind, like I was another person or in another life walking into that hospital on a beautiful sunny day.

What is it like 4 weeks after?  The scars under my breasts have completely healed; they still feel very raised when I touch them but all the stitches are out and they have, apparently, healed well.  They are not painful.

The left nipple graft has very nearly healed up.  The scar below from nipple to under breast is still weeping and bleeding a little.

The right nipple is still a mess of yellow, white and pink which weeps and bleeds every day.  The hole dug out by the surgeon does seem to be filling with flesh in though. 

My left arm is painful all the way down into my fingers and wrists and aches, especially my wrist, most of the time, especially when I try to stretch it out.  I have full movement in the arm, although it's painful in the shoulder when it moves.  The lymph node scar aches and stings still.

Daily care of the scars is a daily visit from the nurse to scratch at the right nipple and an application of Vaseline on the scars every night. I'm still wearing a tubi-fast around my upper body and the surgical bra over it.  This is annoying as I have to choose clothes with a high neck and loose ones so not to show the bandages and to show the outline of the bra, which is pretty bulky.

I've still not looked at my breasts, nor let dh look and still don't want to.  My spare tyre and stomach are still much bigger than my flat chest despite my attempts to eat healthily.  I've started doing 200 steps on my stepper every day but the effect will be subtle and long to come I expect.

I sleep on my own still as I have to sleep lying on my back with my arms out.  I've been trying to sleep on my right side but it's not very comfortable still and the advice is not to sleep on the left side as it may cause lympedema, which can arrive several weeks after the operation and can cause a permanently swollen arm.

http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/physicalsideeffects/lymphedema/whateverywomanwithbreastcancershouldknow/lymphedema-what-every-woman-with-breast-cancer-should-know-toc

Physically I'm much more active and can do most things in the house apart from lifting heavy things like the vaccuum cleaner or stretching up and I've taken public transport no problem.  I am tired very quickly and need to sit down frequently and sleep during the day most days.

Psychologically I am pretty much all over the place.  Everyone who sees me says I look great, they don't notice my body thing and it's as if I'm normal.  What they don't see is my chronic lack of confidence which seems to be increasing, my fear, my sadness, my frustration, my anger, my confusion, forgetfulness.  I don't like being in busy places and I'm scared someone will bump into me and hurt me.  I have mood swings and teariness and no matter how hard I try to overcome this, I'm not very successful.

That's what it's like for me 4 weeks later.