Waited 90 minutes for the oncologist appointment today. The only appointment the children had to come to and he was really late. Then he asks me how I am? How would he be waiting for a 10h appointment and getting in at 11h30? Bofffffffff.
The usual get your top off thing came. There is a problem with the end of the left breast scar where the stitch has come loose and it looks like my flesh is bursting out. The oncologist firstly brought dh round to look at it, before I had a chance to say 'no he hasn't seen my tits yet' and then took a picture with his phone and sent it to the surgeon asking if he needed to put a stitch in it. Apart from that, the fact that the right nipple is nowhere near healed doesn't concern him at all because it won't delay the radiotherapie.
So, radiotherapie it is. I have signed my treatment agreement which amounts to 33 sessions of radiotherapie in sucession (not weekends apparently). Allowing for sensitive machines that break easily, this could run into 2 months of daily appointments. I will also have a weekly appointment with the oncologist on Thursday afternoons to check that all is going well and possible xrays because well I don't know why.
The treatement also includes other treatments such as kine, psychologie and an estheticienne. I don't know what the latter means but when I had a drink with someone I know at Théo's school who has gone through bc, she said that each time she went for radiotherapie she was also allowed to go for a beauty treatment at the hospital so it wasn't like she was going just for the radiation. I'll be amazed if the local hospital has this facility but we can hope can't we?
The side effects of the treatment are listed as tiredness, skin irritation, trouble swallowing and dry throat, lowering of white blood cell count (so lower immunity? that'll be good in winter won't it?), lowering of red blood cell count (aenemia?) Can't fucking wait.
The appointment has been made for Bonfire Night 11h30. I'll have to pass through a scanner (big injection needed for this one), have points tattooed on my body so the machine can be set in the same place each time and bring all my medical records, identity and health card. They will take about an hour to get me into the correct position that they will use for each session.
I knew that some hospitals don't tattoo you but use a marker pen so I was disappointed to know I had to be tattooed. The oncologist made a joke about tattoos being all the rage and I said that I had enough reminders of this cancer let alone being tattooed thank you very much. See, I was in a really bad mood.
There are some precautions, eg, not to expose the area to sun for a year (I don't plan on doing any topless bathing for the rest of my life so that's ok).
It's all very humdrum for this guy I'm sure. Nothing to worry about, everyday stuff. I am nervous about it and was hoping for a short relief between healing from the operation and the onset of more side effects and more treatments. It all feels relentless and I have sort of lost my will to fight and ask questions - I just couldn't be bothered, I'm like 'whatever'. I had this long list but I couldn't be bothered to ask them. I feel worn down both in spirit and physically. I am no longer that aresey girl with big tits and an attitude to match, feeling good about herself who walked in smiling and joking two months ago, questioning and giving back as good as she got. At what point did I lose her?
I did ask if this course would stop the cancer from coming back. He reckons it lowers the chance of it coming back from 30% down to 5%, and if there are any cells they didn't take in the operation, it will kill those.
I know I have to do this but I really really don't want to. I feel tired of this neverending life of tests and hospitals. I know, I'm moaning but I genuinely feel just all hospitalled out right now and I don't see how I'm going to get the strength to get on and through this. I will, I have to but I'm not sure how.
Oh yes, I also have to have a scintigraphie osseuse to check that there is no cancer in my bones or any metasis. Yet another radioactive injection to come....This was in answer to one of the questions I did ask, whether there should be any more tests to check that there is no cancer anywhere else and I felt it was like 'oh ok, go and do this, just to check, put your mind at rest love'. Maybe it will put my mind at rest, let's hope so.
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