Day 7 out of hospital

I've not much felt like writing this week, I've been tired and it hurts my arms and shoulders to type.
So it's nearly a week since I came out of hospital and 9 days since the operation.  How's it going?

Everyone I've seen has been surprised how alert and capable I've been, expecting me to be holed up in bed or drooping on the sofa.

Daily routine: There have been times during this last week when I was only fit for the bed or sofa and have needed to rest, but I've been showered, dressed, skincare routine done every day and sometimes hair blow dried.

Movement in arms: I've been progressively getting more comfortable and my arm movements have increased gradually.

Dizziness and Nausea: The horrible dizziness that befell me started to slow down about Wednesday, although as I type my head is a little bit fuzzy from looking down.  The nauseau has pretty much stopped.

Walking: I can walk for longer.  I've been talking a walk nearly every day.  Some days I've overdone it and had to sleep before dinner, but it's not a problem walking and it's been nice to get out and feel part of the world.

Tiredness: I am much more tired than before, although I get a burst of energy in the early evening, I can't do as much as before and luckily, with all the help, I'm not having to try to this week.

Sleeping: I'm sleeping better, ie much fewer sleep interruptions although I have been sleeping late (1am ish) and a few days I've 'slept in' to 10h and had a little nap in the afternoon or early evening.  Still some crazy, some horrific dreams but not every night.  I think that's due to the large dose of coedine before bedtime.  I can't not take this one as it means I can sleep without pain.

Voice and throat: Back to normal after 5 days after the op, no sore throat now

Pain: I wouldn't really say that I have had a lot of pain, some yes but I've been and still am, uncomfortable but I've been taking the meds and they have worked.

Wounds: the nurse who visits daily tells me that they are healing fine and are normal.  I've tightened the big 24 hour bra because it was rubbing me so it moves around less.  I wonder if swelling has gone down around my breasts or I've lost a bit of weight there as it's on the tightest fit now.

I'm still bruised all over but most bruises are now yellow or purple.

My breasts are sometime itchy and swollen and hard and feel like they are being pulled down which is uncomfortable.  I also have quite strong twinges in them and some violent pins and needles.  They are still very misshapen as far as I can see down the cleavage (although I'm not really looking)

The lymph node cut has been the most painful as it's in a place that rubs.  Today it seems better although it rubs towards the end of the day mostly.

The wound on the right has been weeping with yellow liquid this week which was a little alarming, but it has stopped now and the nurse told me it was not the sign of an infection.

How is my head? this is the bit i'm worried about.  If I'm left to my own devices my mood falls into melancohly  and sadness almost immediately and I cry.  I'm worried about the results of the biopsy, if the lymph nodes have been affected, what are the next steps and how extensive they will be (which all depend on the biopsy results).  I'm dreading a possible second operation, nervous about radiation and terrified of chemo.  I know I could expect good news but frankly, all news has been bad or worse news up to now so I've lost confidence that there could be good to come.

I am also firmly inconsolable for the loss of my breasts.  I don't really have any any more, frankly he may as well have done a double mastectomy in my eyes, he almost did.  I have not really looked at my chest but from the daily dressings change, I can see that the small teenage bud breasts that are there are also misshapen, bruised and are flat in places, sticking out in others.

My clothes ALL look absolutely ridiculous.  I have a huge fat muffin top with nothing on top and a fat tummy so it will be impossible to find the correctly sized clothes when the breasts are finally considered healed.  I used to love buying clothes - everyone who knows me would consider that I always dressed well and looked good, despite my size.  This won't be something I can even do now.  I don't know if I should throw them all away or what to do.  I threw another bra away this morning.  As far as I can see, the cancer will now be affecting my life every single day with a reminder of how shit I look compared to before every single day.  It's hard to consider that for the rest of my life.

I cannot go out in public without a scarf or coat or baggy cardigan to protect me from the view of others and believe me, that's what everyone who's seen me who knows me looks at first, it's almost involuntary.  I'd like to teach next week (couple of hours) but I don't see how I'll have the confidence to stand up in front of a class and do so.  I don't even have the confidence to pick up my sons from school and see the Mums outside.

My sis thinks I'm still in shock and maybe she's right.  I still cannot believe that a week or so ago, I had marvellous big breasts that made me sexy and gave me proportion and that I loved.

The psychologist called me yesterday and talked about 'relations intime'.  I actually laughed out loud when she said it.  I cannot believe that I would want to show these excuses to anyone, nor that anyone would wish to look and as for feeling them, well they have no feeling in them and I would not want to touch them nor have someoene else touch them.  Out.of.the.question.  Not sexy, no no no.

She also talked about the breasts not being 'mine' for the moment as they are still the object of medical scrutiny but reminded me that in a few weeks, the bruises will be gone, the stitches out and they will belong to me and my body and I'll have to 'reappropriate' them.

She doesn't offer any answers or anything, she just brings up the subject and lets it sit in my head for digestion.

And my head has plenty to digest.....