Had a bit of a rotten afternoon yesterday. Lovely ladies came in the morning to drop off delicious food and much more - thank you! This was the only reason I got out of bed yesterday, so good on you for motivating me.
I had a call with the Listening Blonde scheduled for 15h so I waited in for that. I was pretty angry when the call finished. I was actually looking forward to the call; many things had been bothering and upsetting me and I needed to talk to her about them. Well, the briefest call ever which basically just confirmed our mtg on Friday. She did ask if I felt able to leave the house to get there. It will be the first time I've travelled by public transport so it will be an Event but we both thought it was important that I got out. However, when I started to try to tell her how shit I was feeling, she pretty much cut the conversation and left me crying. Ca va pas!
Afterwards I was so frustrated so I called the Breast Cancer Care helpline 00 44 808 800 6000 in UK and talked to an absolutely lovely lady who herself had had a mastectomy 16yrs earlier. She knew exactly how I was feeling, she let me cry, she told me what she thought and sent me some more resources to draw from. That's what I needed, impersonal, expert, caring advice from someone who didn't mind if I cried a bit.
I can't drop the LB because she's part of the Cancer Committee who decide what treatment I get so she is my conduit of letting the oncologist and surgeons know how I'm doing, but I wasn't impressed yesterday.
I meant to go for a walk after and it was almost time for the end of school. Our friend had offered to pick up the children and take them to her house whilst dh picked them up later. This was because I didn't feel okay about standing outside school feeling in full spotlight of everyone. I really wanted to pick up my kids, to show them that I could do normal things again and I was longing to see them and it seemed stupid that I was here and they would be somewhere else so, on the spur of the moment I called my friend who kindly came by the house, picked me up and took me to school to pick them up. I was well covered in a baggy coat and a scarf (despite the Autumn sunshine). I felt very nervous, especially when I saw all the Mums I know, but the 3 Mums who I know well all gave me a big kiss and a squeeze and we didn't talk about it. I hid behind my friend and managed to do something normal at last. There was a tricky moment when a nice Dad said he hadn't seen me for ages, was I working, was I giving my English lessons etc because his son was interested in returning. After replying very vaugely, which seemed rude to me and confused him, I just said I'd been operated for cancer and I was having a rest until January. Well, he is a vet and he's kind of a doctor and he's very discreet and sensible, so I thought he'd understand. He nodded understandingly didn't ask any more but said his son would be interested in January.
I'm not sure that the children really appreciated what a huge effort it was for me, well I'm sure they didn't. They just dumped their schoolbags at my feet and went off to play footie with their friends in the sunshine. The only thing they were interested in is that I brought a bag of Percy Pig sweets as a treat and soon they had been offered around to everyone and had all been scoffed.
So life goes on.
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