Yesterday I had a meditation and relaxation session at the house of cancer. I was very late. I tried on loads of outfits but couldn't find something that looked even half ok, it was very frustrating and upsetting. Anyway, I got there late and joined in the last half hour. The organiser was a very calm looking man (as he should be). We meditated, which I'm used to after my TM experiences in UK and we did the meditation walk. That was a bit weird - pacing around the room and then we paced around the garden. To be honest, after I got over the weirdness of it, it was peaceful. It was good to feel the sun on my face and to relax, not have to think about anything.
In the afternoon I had a reiki foot massage which was very pleasant, not relaxing particularly, but my nipples were tingling all the way home so it must have had some effect. I asked him to focus on drainage as my left arm, hand and shoulder are still less sensitive than the right.
The most interesting thing was sitting around in the kitchen waiting for the therapist to arrive with the other participants. Evidently they were/had been all going through chemotherapy. They were talking about their hair falling out. Some of them lost their hair completely and decided to shave their head, others didn't lose their hair at all (a woman with very long, thick hair). They agreed that this horrible side effect was 'pas juste' - not fair and all of them were pretty annoyed about it. I was pleased to see I was not the only person who was annoyed at the treatment.
I have to say that I find the house of cancer pretty depressing - but I think it's important for me to do stuff during the day, to try to find something that helps me through - relaxation etc and to meet other people going through cancer treatement, especially when I'll be doing my radiation treatment. The woman on the reception is very kind and the LB saw me there, so she knows I'm making an effort.
I don't know if this is related or not but today I suddenly felt really grateful that I am here to be with my children and in my house, in my street and that the operation is over and the results are ok. I had this rush of gratefullness and I held Loic very tightly (well as tightly as I could). I think that possibly I've been in shock and that I'm coming out of it, realising that I can and will live. It doesn't mean there are no problems, I expect the radiation will knock me back again, and the nurse had a good old scrape of my nipples this morning which are still very damaged and unhealed and the breast and body issues remain. Maybe it's the fact that I can walk a bit further and do some small shopping for myself, I'm feeling more independent, I don't know. I also felt exhausted this afternoon and slept for 3 hours, which is weird as I went to bed really early last night. I think, again, it's all a manifestation of the stress which is finally coming out of my body now I'm not on 'alert' or on the edge of my seat waiting for results any longer. or waiting for painful treatment to come. It's been 3 weeks today since the operation. Mabye it takes that long to finally breathe again?
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