Telling your parents of your cancer diagnosis

 

Here's a moving piece from a Dad who describes how it was to discover that his daugher had breast cancer.

http://www.chicagonow.com/when-you-put-it-that-way/2013/10/norman-when-a-father-discovers-his-daughter-has-cancer-123/

My parents aren't journalists and they don't express themselves so publicly and they are not really known for their emotional outpourings. If my Dad phones then it's usually to tell me bad news and on the scarce occasions that he answers the phone, we chat for a bit and he passes my Mum pretty quickly.  He just doesn't like talking on the phone.

I've been talking to my Mum once a week for a few years now, we usually chat for a good 40 minutes and exchange news.  I really enjoy our conversations.  I often turn to my Mum for advice, especially about the children.  In August one of my sisters had a suspect lump in her breast and my Mum was keeping me up to date with the news and the eventual conclusion that it was, thankfully, benign.  This was one of the factors that pushed me to get my breast examined when I felt a strange mass in it.

I told my Mum once I'd had the mammo and kept her up to date with the other tests.  She was resolutely positive during the waiting period for the results of the biopsy, when I was not particularly confident, to the point of annoying me with her positivity.  I suspect she had her reservations but was keeping them to herself.  She called me more often during this time and I was glad of that support.

When the results came in, I waited a day before telling my family.  I wanted to be clearer and less frightened and upset when I called them so I could speak gently without crying.  I called my sisters first, mainly so that one of them could go round and see my parents after I'd called them.  I know she'd cheer them up and say the right things at a time when they would be, most probably, shocked.  My Mum also had a heart attack a few years ago, so I wanted my sister to be there in case Mum was feeling stressed and upset.

So I called and told Mum the news calmly without any pussyfooting around the subject, just a clear unambiguous statement, which much have caused her so much pain and hurt.  It's really hard to bring bad news to your friends and family, bringing all that misery and sadness and worry when they might feel really helpless being so far away.

Later that day, my Dad called me, just to hear my voice and I was very upbeat and jolly,  I think he felt reassured that I was sounding just like myself.



Since then, Mum (and sometimes) even Dad have been calling every few days checking in how things are going.  Cards have been sent, presents have been sent for me and the children and dh to cheer our spirits.

I try to be honest about how I'm feeling, although I might 'filter' it a bit so that it's not too much to hear from afar but my parents know pretty much everything that's going on although I think it's the first time, apart from when breastfeeding, that I've discussed my nipples with my Mum!

I'm only sad that we can't get to UK for Christmas - we do France and UK alternatively for Christmas, although I much prefer UK!   I will still have radiotherapie sessions to do at Christmas and they can't be interrupted.  Also, we would normally buy our tickets in October as they are so expensive for Christmas and we didn't know what was going on at that point so we couldn't book.  So we'll be at home for Christmas, celebrating as a family with any friends who might be around at the time.  I'd be really happy to see my parents, the last time I went to UK was in April for my Mum's 70th Birthday.  Anyway, we'll go next year sometime.

The most heartbreaking thing was a text received from Mum just before my operation saying that she wished it was her going through it and not me and she would gladly do that for me.  Oh how the tears flowed.  There's othing like the love of a mother.